Roll Call 187

I forgot my mental health meds for like one day and I was feeling great and then I took them today and I felt so nauseous. I think they are making some of the nausea worse that I’m feeling. And I don’t mean feeling great mental health wise but I mean I was feeling great physically!

Medication nausea and pregnancy nausea together… it’s so unbearable.

Who else is ready for Halloween?

So ready!

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The IOP Pdoc was perfectly nice. He is just a nurse practitioner so I don't trust him as much as I trust my Pdoc who is a neuropsychiatrist. But he did say we have some wiggle room with the Latuda if we need to go up on the dose. At least he was on time and the appointment didn't take too long (since I'm at work!).

I keep getting Halloween Dollar Tree ads on this site!

I threw away the rest of my caffeinated coffee. So now I have none, just decaf. I don’t drink soda so that’s not an issue. Now I just have to make it through some hellish withdrawal probably over the next week. But it’s the only way to get myself to stop for awhile. If it’s not already in the house I won’t be tempted to go out and buy it because to be honest I’m lazy anyway and don’t feel like going to the store most of the time.

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I’m ready for Halloween all year long, all 365 days. I’m obsessed with it, it’s on of my favorite holidays.

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I don't like costumes or pumpkins etc

No jk lol

The dead spirits.. Graveyards.. Ghosts.. Halloween is a special time for us people sanitized and always ignoring of death.

I have at least adjusted a little more to the Provigil. It seems to energize me, which is good.

Also, I haven't really heard whether the jobs I applied to are a go or not. I guess I will wait whether I get firm offers.

I stress a ton about being able to handle a full time or even part time job, but I think it would help me not ruminate so much.

Yeah rumination is a problem for me too. I was tempted to call out from work today but I didn't because I would have been ruminating all day. Plus I had stuff to do at work today. I could have done it tomorrow but I have a couple of big things tomorrow and would rather spend my time on those things tomorrow.

UGH. After dealing with some hallucinations, I relapsed last night. I told my case manager R who is pretty stern about it but thanked me for my honesty. If I SH again I have to sign some sort of re-commitment contract for the IOP. Not sure what that is but I don't want to know so I can't relapse again while in this program. Then this morning I took a chance and emailed the T...J to let her know and to apologize for breaking our contract. R is going to let her know but I wanted to be the one to tell her. She thanked me for my honesty and said that my safety is number one concern and to contact her or R if I SH again before Friday but otherwise we'll talk about it on Friday. So far my insurance has only approved 10 days. R said this is common and he has to keep asking for more. I hope he can get more because 10 days is only 3 more meetings. I think I need more than that. Stupid insurance. I'm mad at them. I'm mad at myself. I haven't told my parents (yet) so that'll be interesting. I did tell two of my support peeps and they were really supportive and stuff like that. UGH. so many mixed up emotions. But I am trying not to judge the emotions. That wouldn't be good. And I have some homework to do before I see the T that way I have "worked on" it. She didn't assign it but I got the idea from one of the IOP classes.

It's funny because I didn't used to like Halloween. (I think it is my Judeo Christian Background). I was never comfortable celebrating it. But the past several years I have been helping out at our Church's Trunk or Treat. And it's cute seeing the children in their costumes and they are excited to get candy and stuff and I sort of got over my fear of Halloween. Now I can enjoy it. I don't like anything too scary, bloody, gory, or anything but regular stuff I can handle.

I had a bit of a scare with tropical storm Nicholas yesterday but it turned to be not much of a storm--only a few trees down and I lost power for a few hours in the afternoon. But I was pretty anxious about it.

I am sorry you experienced that. It's stressful trying to get insurance to pay for IOP - I can relate to that. In my case, they didn't pay any of it. Of course it varies. It's just cause I have a high deductible.

Anyway, it's okay to be mad at insurance. I think we've all been there.

Hope you can get the help and support you need from the IOP though. In my case, it really helped me out of a tough spot. Not saying my life is perfect now, but hopefully the IOP will help you out.

I really should try to get a shower this afternoon. UGH. I really don't want to. But I either need to do it this afternoon or tomorrow morning. And I know I'm not going to feel like doing it when I get up at 4 AM. IDK why it is so hard to get a shower. I usually feel better after I get one but getting myself to get my self in the shower is like pulling teeth. I haven't showered since Saturday so I am past time.

Having that chocolate peanut butter banana smoothie. It tastes really good and has no added sugars, just the sugar that occurs naturally in the banana, and also has spinach blended into it. It tastes like chocolate peanut butter ice cream kind of

That sounds delicious! I've been treating myself now and again to Tillamook's chocolate peanut butter ice cream. It could have more peanut butter for my taste but it's good and creamy! Enjoy!

I have a phone appointment with my primary care doctor tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well.

I don't know if I like this modafinil stuff...