Roll Call 187

Reality is starting to give me serious trauma. I don't want to exist.

God I want some spaghetti and garlic bread, that would be so good right now

Edit: omg my short term memory is so bad, I posted this like 5-10 minutes ago and then I was thinking to myself "I know I posted something, but what did I post?"

I need.. more energy.

Everything I'm doing is the same.. learning..

I go hiking sometimes but I need something new. I'm alone in all I do.

I'm gonna take a stim nap

Couldn't manage to meditate today. Lately, I've only been doing like 5 minute meditations instead of my usual 20 minute ones. Well, for today, that is. I think it's better for me to do shorter ones because my mind just gets lost during the longer ones and that's bad for psychosis I think.

I feel like that sometimes too. I don't necessarily know how to deal with it.

I lied down for a while. Then my dad was on facetime with my mom. They argued a bit. My mom told him that I'm not doing well - I said that I don't know what to say. He mentioned something that made my mom cry.

I told her not to lecture him because he'll use that to make fun of her - But she said that she has to do that because it gets him off of his pedestal and he becomes the man she fell in love with etc..

I told them both that I feel like this whole thing is a hallucination and that this isn't real. I'm just completely exhausted.

I told my mom that I took an extra Vyvanse because I needed to focus. When I was going to meditate/search crypto today, I got a knock on the door from maintenance to help fix the cable box. My mom then got drunk with her friend and phoned customer service and it just made me want to die.

I was talking to my mom about life things and that I didn't think that my high school was worthy enough to be accepted by post secondary education. I now know that that it's true. I just had very little common sense. Like how I visited where I used to live last year in the middle of no where and a woman laughed at me because I seemed to not want to talk or smile. I wondered "Why are people so happy and social" over there.

But yeah w/e.. I'm just so ****ing exhausted. I feel incredibly burnt out. My dad is going to pick me up in a few days and we'll go do something. I don't really want to visit that conspiracy theorist friend of his... I'm too tired for this nonsense.

I get a good amount of motivation and inspiration most of the time lately but when I'm down, I'm really really down and think of it all as meaningless - All of my progress and don't want to live.

I'll try and stick it out..

Since I already took the Vyvanse, I'm gonna try and meditate because I might be awake enough to do it.. I tried today and was too tired.

Gratitude too I'll try and practice that..

Des, just a thought, but have you thought about enrolling in online school? It wouldn't even have to be a degree program necessarily. But something to work towards?

I have an individual session with my IOP T--J in about 2.5 hours. I am scared of the appointment because we are going to talk about my relapse but I am also looking forward to the appointment because I got a lot out of it last time except that I felt shaky afterwards. I am hoping I feel mentally and emotionally strong afterwards so I can be good going into IOP tonight. R hasn't told me if the insurance company has agreed to more sessions or not. Guess I will find out today or Monday.

I feel like I want to cry but I don't cry.

I'm going to commit to eating in a healthy and balanced way starting now, not starving myself etc. I'm also going to try to stop weighing myself every day because I've been losing some weight and it's just egging on my ED behaviors. When I saw today when I weighed myself that I've lost almost 3 lbs in the past week it just made me want to eat even less. I'll try to do it just once per week, or maybe once every 2 weeks.

We're here for you SK

My smoke detector went off at 3am. (It's been randomly coming off because the batteries need to be changed) so freaking annoying. And maintenance hasn't shown up to the building at all today according to security. But security came and took off my smoke detectors and took them with him, he's gonna leave them with a note on the maintenance person's computer so he sees it if he comes in today or when he comes in Monday. So I might not have any smoke detectors for the whole weekend but in the meantime I don't have to deal with them going off 3 or 4 times a day until Monday when maintenance will definitely be here

I feel emotionally exhausted....drained. It is also making me feel physically tired. I am glad I took a day off of work next week for a mental health day.

I just realized I forgot to put salt in the banana bread I just put in the oven. Crap. I did use salted butter though so maybe that will make up for it. I hope it comes out okay.

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Worst case scenario.....drizzle it with salted caramel.....mmmmmm

Thanks, I’ll try that out if I need to , sounds really good

The smell coming out of the oven right now is so amazing. Smells so much like bananas, I put chopped walnuts in it too.

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Benefits of Fish Oil: Can It Help Bipolar Disorder? | Everyday Health

Fish oil for bipolar and depression....

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Here’s a pic of it out of the pan

I'm probably gonna have a piece with a cup of decaf coffee tonight

I started a few online courses but my sister was like "Focus on one thing" and I was having a dissociative DP/DR episode and she made me feel so ashamed. People want me to figure out what to do immediately. They don't seem to understand that I was in a coma for almost a decade.

Baking is so relaxing

She was moved! The SW put her in a room by herself! So Glad!!! I couldn't take my mind off her because she was constantly in my space, putting the AC too high, going through my things, etc. I'm pretty sure they're sending her away.

Individual therapy with IOP T went okay. We discussed what happened last week and this week since she's seen me in detail, of course paying special attention to when I relapsed including the two hours before I relapsed. I've never had a T be that precise with it and want to know that kind of detail. Of course you wanted to see the wounds. I knew this would happen! I feel vulnerable and unprotected now that I showed you. I'm sure that I could have refused but IDK what kind of trouble I would be in if I refused and I am a people pleaser so I showed you. I never feel like it's bad enough. I know now that I should have done more. Of course she kept her response very clinical and gave me some advice on cleaning and taking care of the wounds which I know I just haven't given a flying **** about.

We talked about the verbal warning I got from R about the relapse and how next time it would be a written warning. And how that scares me enough that I don't think there will be a next time while I am in this program. Can't say about afterwards, but while I am in this program I have to abstain because I don't want another consequence. I forget the word she used, it wasn't protective factor but it was something like that. Like the consequence is a positive reinforcement or some such nonsense. The homework she gave me was hard but I did it and sent it back to her via email and she said, Well done and went on to say a few words about it. That was nice.

We talked about perfectionism and self care. And of course about the hallucinations. I don't know why she is more worried about the SH than she is the hallucinations. For me it is the other way around. She asked me if she was being empathetic enough and I told her she was doing a good job. She told me I'm delightful. That was kind. I told her that S is tough, the IOP therapist I have tonight. She's intense and she's tough. She doesn't put up with anything. I'm a bit scared of S actually and I know that her session will be intense.

We talked about shame. That was hard. I kind of feel myself getting attached to this T even after only two sessions. I'm like don't attach! You only have maybe a few sessions with her. She's just short term! I really wanted to hug her which was impossible as we were on Zoom and she was at her house and I was at work. But I had that urge to hug her. Odd.

I guess it was a good session. I feel overwhelmed and a bit shaky.