Roll Call 187

Bf and I were considering a new TV, just a 4K but still an expense because we wanted at least a 55 inch for the downstairs even though we watch most of the tv in the bedroom. We ended up switching the tiny 32 inch bedroom tv for the downstairs tv which is 1080p and 40 inches....it makes a huge difference and we spent nothing!

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I don't remember if I told you this but: Make sure you get enough sleep.. Because if you're sleep deprived, it can make you feel awake yet your cognition etc could not be working good.. It's like driving a car without coolant

I've been on the 10mg of olanzepine every evening for over a year now.. Only now I'm starting to have no symptoms of dissociation a few hours after I miss the dose. So I'll stay on antipsychotics for a few years - They don't seem to be doing much damage. The stimulant really helps with the side effects.

I feel good tonight. A night of euphoria again which is rare lately. I hope that this continues.

I had a talk with my mom about conspiracies and such - I can't shake the feeling that it's all about control etc but talking to her helped because she's really smart, wise and aware.

My dad will come to visit this month which makes me happy. He's like a shaman to me. Then I'll visit my family next month.

I should stop dwelling on really 'out there' thoughts and ideas and just relax. I should live in a way where I accept the opposite of what I'm moderately paranoid about - Which is hard but I can do it.

I've learned so much these past 5 years and have grown so much as a person.. I have a good amount of insight into multiple different things. I am thinking of learning about cryptography more until I know what I want to do - Cuz it's unrealistic to just focus on one thing all of the time.

As long as my symptoms are controlled like they are now and that I feel like myself, I'll be ok =] Gotta live in the moment without worrying too much about the future and dwelling on the past or having regret.

Ice pops and fruit with yogurt

Thanks for the suggestion. I like the analogy. Driving a car without coolant.

My appointment is in an hour and a half. I'll see if he can prescribe the med for GERD and get back on the birth control patches.

Then tomorrow I'm going to try to go to the dentist,

Next week I'm going to get my flu shot.

I'm in the process of tapering off perphenazine (with my pdocs permission) and then after that, tapering off thorazine. I'm doing it the right way, slowly. Then when we talk again in October I might see about getting back on Topamax

Hope you get some relief.....

Thanks SP, I'll feel relieved once all these appointments are over and all the med changes are done. I'm trying to take care of myself

I didn't give the topamax a chance last time because I was having bad panic attacks and I thought it was because of that, but I was also drinking 7-8 cups of strong coffee a day at the time. So that may have been why. I'm going to give it another shot now that I'm only drinking 1 cup of caffeinated coffee or tea a day

Woke up this morning in a distressed mood as I had a distressing dream that I don't remember. Then I had suicidal thoughts (although I'm not suicidal). Luckily I had my T appointment this morning so we talked about it all. It was kind of a disjointed session because I'm disjointed today but that's okay. We made progress.

Hugs Ceara ...

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There was some confusion as to what my appointment was about, they thought I had scheduled it for a physical, which I didn't, which is why I chose to do an over the phone appointment, so he's busy right now at the moment but will call me when he gets a chance today. They went ahead and scheduled me an appointment for a physical in November.

I'm asking for a referral to a nutritionist too since my therapist recommended it

I feel more steady today......stable maybe. Some hallucinations (auditory) this morning. No visuals today yet. Although I am living in shadows because I have my office lights turned off. (migraine). IOP tonight. I had a good two day break from IOP so I am ready for the intensity. I'm worried about my T appointment tomorrow because we gotta talk about why I relapsed. Maybe she will have some good suggestions on what to do with the hallucinations when the dang voices just don't stop! I wish I had an "off" button in my head that I could turn off when the voices keep going. I can handle some but not all day. It gets like overwhelming. And of course the urge to SH comes because it stops the voices if I engage in the behavior. But today I feel pretty relaxed. At least at the moment. I got two big tasks done at work! (Yeah me!) And I haven't even taken any anxiety medication today so far. I probably will tonight but not yet. Oh and I got a shower yesterday. I needed it. And I feel better. I plan to get one on Sunday. So if I can do Sunday's and Wednesday's that's not too bad.

I’m moving!!!

??? Why?

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Here is the Lego James Bond Astin Martin that me and my Dad are building. We are about 1/2 way done and we've spent about 8 hours so far.

Still waiting on my doctor to call

Ugh waiting is terrible. Hope he or she gets back to you today.

I doubt he’s gonna call. They close at 4:30 and it’s 4:23pm right now

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I’ve been waiting on this appointment for 2 months and when it’s finally here I don’t even get it. And he only works at the clinic on Thursdays so it’s really hard to get an appointment with him.

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I seriously have to stop messing with my meds and just make up my mind. I keep lowering the perphenazine, then stopping it, then starting it again, then lowering again, stopping, starting, I do this over and over and can't make up my mind. The only reason I want to come off it is because I want to lose weight. I don't even know if it effects my weight but I'm willing to see if it does.

It's really my own fault though, I restrict way too much then I binge. I weigh 157 lbs at the moment. I wish I could just stop going to extremes with this regarding food.

My doctor thinks it's okay for me to be on the abilify shot, perphenazine, and a low dose of thorazine (the thorazine is just for sleep) along with my other meds but Idk, is that bad???

I'm so pissed. Now I'll have to wait until november to get prescribed meds for GERD and birth control. That's almost 4 months of waiting including the time I waited for this appointment which didn't happen

He actually just called me a minute ago. He said he wants to see me in person to discuss the meds before I get on them, so he made an appointment with me for September 30th.

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That's great Blue_Bird I'm glad you don't have to wait too long!

Went downstairs and talked to security because my smoke detector keeps going off randomly, the batteries probably need to be changed. So she’s putting in a maintenance request and they’ll come fix it first thing tomorrow morning

My sister is coming over Sunday. I'm probably going to make banana bread tomorrow then give her most of it