Roll Call 188

I feel at peace mentally for the first time in well, a very long time, getting my meds straightened out and taking them consistently is helping a lot. Like I just feel content and happy. I'm thankful for my life and am enjoying it.

I literally just realized there's a Catholic church a 7 minute walk away from where I live, this entire time and I didn't even realize it, I pass by it all the time! And the priest there is my favorite priest that also works at another church I went to occasionally. I'm going to start going to mass again! I haven't gone to in-person mass in over two years. I'm so excited!!

I think sometime I'm going to donate to a charity that helps cats, I'm looking at Alley Cat Allies

This weekend (Saturday night at like 730) I had an appointment with a potential new T. She's nice. She's a bit scattered I think but she seems to have a good memory. She's older than me by about 30 years and she says she has no plans of retirement but that she also cannot guarantee the future. She also said she has some health problems and that sometimes she has to cancel at the last minute because of it. But.....here's the good part, she says she can help me. She doesn't know how to set up Zoom so I set up the appointment for us and then admitted her into the call. But she says that she does text, which is how most of our conversations have started/continued. And she takes Zelle so it is super easy to pay her. Plus she takes my insurance. I'm not sold on her yet, as it's only been one appointment, and I'm a bit worried about her health and age and stuff and she said she is probably taking the month of December off. But that I could still text if I had a problem. I decided to ask her for a second appointment, since the first one is always so much information gathering. She talked a lot, and fast, she has ADHD too like me, and she said she has been in a mental hospital and has worked in a mental hospital, so she has been on both sides! I'm still hoping my case manager will come up with some names of people I can try because I'm not sure about her. But I am willing to give it another go and see how it is. She said she is pretty booked but she was willing to take me because I was anxious for a therapist. So she said as long as I could be flexible she could fit me in. She says with longer term clients she usually does every two weeks but with new clients she likes to do once a week. So we'll see. I'm nervous but I am also hanging onto hope that she can help me.

On another note, I'm not sure what is going on with IOP. I'm not sure if it got extended or what. And I was supposed to have group on Friday and I logged onto Zoom and was never let in. I contacted my case manager who got back to me half an hour later and said it must be technical difficulties so I didn't have group on Friday. It will be 45 days that I have been in IOP come Thursday so I am wondering what is up. My IOP individual T goes on vacation tomorrow. I asked her for a letter, or email, with some validation in it but I don't know if she is going to do that for me. I hope so but I am trying not to get my hopes up. I know she wants me to do internal validation which I really don't know what she is talking about but I am hoping she will give me a letter or an email or something that I can hang on to while she is gone and after I can't see her anymore. I'll be hurt and disappointed if she doesn't. But I best be prepared for that.

Just met with my care manager, her sister's cat had the kittens, so she's going to send me pictures and let me pick which one I want!!! I just have to get the paperwork from my apartment complex manager for my doctor to fill out so I can have an emotional support pet. I'm so excited! She's also going to help me get into the ticket-to work program

Great news Blue_Bird!

Accidentally got some sort of cranberry energy drink instead of standard juice...doh.

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Super yay!

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I feel sad today...idk why I’m so focused on being tired and the negatives in my relationship right now...plus someone quit at work so we are going to be swamped. I just feel my resilience may have hit it’s breaking point. I don’t have all my self care available at the bfs place because there is not room. I don’t know where to go with all this....if I move home I’ll be totally alone and that’s not something I want. Getting another place near bf is not affordable.

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Had a good day yesterday. I went with my mom, brother, sister (And her bf) to a butterfly garden. It was a big greenhouse with exotic animals and butterflies flying around the place, ants, scorpions, parrots, fish, frogs, turtles, plants, a flamingo, etc... Very hot inside - It was like being in the jungle. Then we went to the pumpkin patch.

My grandmother could be getting dementia.. (Her mother had it). She's very reclusive, apathetic now - Not much of a sense of humour. On FB all day and doesn't want family to visit. I have no problem with her but the rest of my family does.

I stayed at my sisters apartment for 2 nights with her bf. I smoked weed at night and listened to a podcast. They've bought a lot of plants etc.. I bought a Lion's Mane mushroom growing kit - So I'll bring that home and maybe prepare myself for growing psilocybin. I want to learn about cacti as well - maybe buy some San Pedro or Peyote etc. My brother grows plants and sells them to the Asians here for hundreds of dollars.

This morning was awful cuz my sister and her bf woke up like 2 hours earlier than me. I should have woke up at the same time but I tried to go back to sleep and couldn't because they were making noise - I shouldn't be bothered. Idk why I was so agitated.. I needed a coffee. I had to walk to the kitchen to take the Vyvanse to wake me up cuz the cats were drinking out of my water glass. There's only one bathroom and they were using it. I walked to the gas station - There was a spot under my lip, I was walking fast.. No cup holder, so much traffic (Really noisy and dangerous). When I got back, I couldn't find the apartment. Then I had a shower - The skin allergy from the vaccine seems to be getting worse, there's dirt all over the floor.

I'm OK now though after the Vyvanse and coffee + nicotine gum. I didn't take zopiclone the past 2 nights - I think cuz the THC helps with the hypnagogic heart palpitations.

I get back home a few days before I see my psychiatrist - So I have to prepare what to say to him.. I'll mention the 3x DP/DR episodes this year which isn't much, maybe decrease the olanzepine from 10mg to 7.5mg and change the 2x 5mg dextroamphetamine tablets to a 15mg Dexedrine spansule.

My neighbor just invited me over. I don't know if I want to go over or not. She's really nice but I've never been over to anybody else's apartment here before. I'm not sure. I'm socially awkward

I cleaned up my sisters apartment a bit. Prepared some plant, phenibut and poured a glass of boxed wine that my grandmother gave to my sister ^-;

Now to research cacti and fungi

I want the Samsung Z Fold 3 but it's 3k dollars.. Too much money.. My brother told me to just get a new MacBook Pro instead of replacing the batter on my old one..

I'm probably not gonna go tonight as I'm in the middle of doing laundry and waiting on a phone call, but I will probably go some other time. I'll try to be more friendly and outgoing

Going to be calling bingo on Wednesday or thursday. She said the 21st wednesday, but wednesday is the 20th so Idk exactly

I want a glass of wine but can't drink it on thorazine I guess

I am a prime lab rat

I'm watching this Christmas movie and it's got me in the mood to bake

Sorry SP

Oh God... the supply shortages..

How do we live now

Pepper spray is good. I always kept mine in my pocket, and in my hand after dark. Glad you had a good time!

I cut the bottom of my tongue somehow. Depressing day.

Might actually turn the heat on tonight. It’s 47 degrees outside right now

So thankful to live in this apartment complex. It’s hard to get into. They have a 5 year waiting list. I had to wait that long, it sucked but it was worth it for sure.

Turned mine on on Sunday! Getting to the low 40s with wind chill here

They made me turn the heat on this morning. I'd rather have the AC running instead.

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Sorry Angelique

Have a headache from sleeping too much