Roll Call 188

My brain..

It's becoming fully functional. I just need to keep holding on, keep fighting.. To not give up. Not many people will tell me.. Only me. And with the video chat people and what they've said - I know that I am doing the right things..........

There will be massive criticisms about everything that I'm doing. I know that I'm doing the right things.. My IQ will increase, or decrease..

Apparently I need serotonin/dopamine antagonists. But you must understand that these are my HAPPY chemicals..

Don't take my happy chems... The older I get, I realize how small the world is.. And it can be easily understood with time.. A massive amount of it. Idk if it's some type of simulation where that ability can be put to use for many people - At least 50% is all common sense..

I'm having a good vacation visiting family.

I'm gonna buy a computer battery and install it into my macbook pro A4125. It will take like half an hour to install - By watching YouTube. But will save a lot of money rather than buying a new computer.

I'll look more into Monero.. My brother wants me to use an investing site..

I still need to try and learn a new language. I learned Gaelic, French and German as a kid.. But I forget. I'm starting from scratch once again after the trip.

Things will be good. This is a time to relax and watch movies etc.. Not too much into politics - But remember to have fun.. I search a lot of things that people commonly ask Google.. I have hundreds of bookmarks that I have to look at.

I might buy the Samsung Z Fold 3.. For multitasking. I need more dextroamphetamine maybe.. My psychiatrist will adjust my meds properly and hopefully I won't have to deal with hypnagogic heart palpitations anymore by taking a full zopiclone. Things are OK. I'm trying. I'll keep trying..

The isolation, abuse, blablabla.. I have to continue..

Looking at coffee tables for my apartment. I think I found a nice looking/ and good quality one that's not too big for my living room

I just need to meditate... That's all I need to do.. But I get too excited

I feel like my relationship has changed....bf predominantly makes convo about his work which used to be interesting because it was IT.....now he’s managing people so it’s like just crap happening to these people so they can’t work, people have died or people are injured etc.....I don’t want to hear about it. So we decided not to talk about his work but all he could come up with was sports which is equally sucky. I don’t mind not talking much but he does. I’m not sure if we’ll make it past this or not tbh. I need to discuss ideas with T.

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I hope things work out SP!

This is the coffee table my sister is ordering for me

Do you two have any other similar interest? Maybe start looking for things that you can do together.

With COVID a lot of that is shut down…he pretty much likes movies to do but he doesn’t want to go to theaters right now. I asked if he wanted to take a class together ie cooking painting anything but he was like no. Idk need to discuss with T for ideas

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Was feeling anxious/panicky but feeling better after watching a few episodes of a show I'm watching on Netflix, took my mind off it

I'm doing well on my mood stabilizer increase though, like a lot better

Still a little anxious so made some chamomile tea

I have to call my care manager next week and ask what's taking so long with the vocational rehabilitation program. I also need to contact my college at some point to get re-enrolled to take classes. I'm only gonna take 1 class at a time for now, I already have a lot of credits and am almost done with my associates degree, and I also don't want to overwhelm myself if I'm working part-time too then

I am just going to live on smoothies/nutrition shakes. I can’t seem to eat most food because of my choking fear. The list of foods I don’t feel comfortable/safe eating is constantly growing and I am sick of it. I hate it. I wish I could go back to like 2 years ago before I developed this weird ****ing phobia. I am so frustrated.

Does anyone have any tips on how to get over the anxiety related to this eating issue

I want to be able to cook and eat on Thanksgiving but I need to get over this weird thing so I actually can

The only way to get rid of a phobia is to face it!

Maybe take some benzo and then eat for a few times to see that there's no danger.

I guess my question is whether it’s actually a phobia or whether you might have issues swallowing now....can you see a gastroenterologist?

Dysphagia: Difficulty Swallowing and What It Means | Everyday Health

Dysphagia and GERD: Easing Your Difficulty in Swallowing

It’s related to gerd......

What Is the actual fear? Of choking on food? Could u be using that fear as a means to escalate ed behavior subconsciously

Seroquel sometimes makes it rly hard for me to swallow. I've had to spit food out of my mouth bc my body just would not swallow

Good cAtch!

Yes of choking on food and dying. It’s entirely separate issue from my ED.

Oh okay thank you!

Maybe I’ll bring it up to my doctor when we talk on the 28th

I had DP/DR at a restaurant again. I couldn't read the menu.. I could follow instructions and still eat but it felt like my body was a VEHICLE.. and I barely knew how to drive..

There was so many colours while walking through the city - It was painful + beautiful. The music sounded good in the background like a psych trip.

I didn't panic this time... I swallowed the olanzepine with rum and coke and then put 0.5mg of clonazepam under my tongue..

I couldn't understand what anyone was talking about. I was OK after the meds kicked in. I kept thinking "there's circles everywhere - Or EYES/Cameras" - It's like psychosis but very different....

I got home and then smoked some plant, drank a beer and went to sleep.

I couldn't absorb much information when the dp/dr was happening. I wonder what that means..

I've taken my all my meds 3 times a day everyday for the past 10 days. That's like a record, normally I miss or skip a couple doses per week

Also, I started my Xulane birth control patch today, so hopefully it eventually helps with my PMS and regulating my period

Watching a Christmas Inheritance on Netflix, if anybody has any Netflix movie recommendations let me know, I'm into everything, comedy, horror, thriller, psychological, romantic comedy, paranormal/supernatural, etc