Roll Call 188

Had a great sleep. Was already awake by 830am, took the amphetamines. Didn't take zopiclone for 4 nights in a row.

My mental health is good! But the world is not... The world has a bad form of psychosis.

The apartment building manager says she still has the paperwork from my doctor stating I can have an emotional support pet, from last year when I was going to get one but didn’t. Anyway, she says that they still have it on file and I don’t have to have any paperwork signed. I just need to get the cat it’s immunizations and get them spayed or whatever when he/she is old enough for that.

Great News!

Wow yesterday sucked.

I had a Zoom appointment with IOP T. It didn't go well. Then it went worse. She said I was at high risk for suicide and self harm and asked me to go to the hospital. I asked her if by going to the hospital I would jeopardize my place in IOP. She said no, that when I got out I could just start back up. I really wasn't feeling overly suicidal but she was very insistent that I go to the hospital. So I went.

While I am in the ER waiting forever to talk to the psychiatrist, I get a text message from my IOP case manager Ray telling me that IOP is not the place for me. That management has decided I need a higher level of care that they won't be providing and that he will try to find me some resources closer to me. (There are none. I live in a rural area.) So I got kicked out of IOP. I'm so upset.

First, my IOP T told me that I wouldn't get kicked out. She also told me that this wouldn't be our last session because she wanted to see me again. I believed her. Second I was told that after 30 days you could do aftercare in IOP. I did more than 40 days and I don't have access to aftercare. This sucks.

So, as I was sitting there waiting, now I was feeling really bad but I still didn't feel like I was an imminent threat to myself. So when I got to talk to the psychiatrist via telehealth, I was like, listen, I really want to go home. This is what is going on. So he really listened to me. He talked to the IOP case manager twice, he talked to my parents twice. He tried to get ahold of my psychiatrist but it was in the evening and I'm not sure I have his correct cell phone number. So he gave me a new medication called Zyprexa, well I will have to pick it up at the pharmacy today, or likely my Dad will, to take as an as needed basis. I forget what the initials are for that. Is it PRN? And I got to come home after being at the hospital for about 7.5 hours.

Then I had emailed my IOP therapist saying this was crap and that I wasn't angry (which was true at the time but I think now I might be angry) but that I was hurt and disappointed over being kicked out of IOP when I listened to them and did everything I was told to do. She sent me back an email which was basically like, it's out of my hands, and I'm sorry you are upset but everything I've done is to protect you and I've done my best. Etc Etc. Not enough of an apology or whatever it was I was needing!

So now, I really need to find a T ASAP. I have the one lady that I tried over the weekend. I wasn't sold on her but I'll give her another shot. Or a couple of tries anyway. But this totally sucks. I keep crying. I cried myself to sleep last night. And I don't cry so that's a big thing. I'm really upset.

Oh and before the session with IOP T I had asked her for a letter or an email that I could hang onto while she was on vacation and after I couldn't see her anymore. I think it's called a transitional object. She was like, you're breaking boundaries. You're causing a toxic relationship. Stuff like that. Wow. I don't know where that was coming from. My former T would write me letters before she went to Singapore every other year and I had that to hang onto for the three weeks that she was gone. So that really sucked too. I was very disengaged with her and she could tell and she told me my cognitive functioning was low yesterday and stuff like that. All of that really hurt too.

So today I am at work. I am crying a lot. My Dad brought me a coffee which is so nice. He is like, I know you didn't get enough sleep so I thought I would bring this to you. I told him I've been crying and he doesn't really understand but he's like I don't think your IOP handled that very well. I don't know what I need friends, but I'm such a mess today and such a wreck. I can't decide if I am angry or hurt or scared or overwhelmed or what.

((HUGS))

Sorry for everything you're going through SlumberKitty, we're all here for you and care about you a lot

I think I'm going to pay to get the cat microchipped when I get them, if I have enough money to after getting the immunizations, and eventual spaying/neutering which will cost a lot. If not I'll definitely do the microchipping after the holidays. I'm excited. I can't wait to see the kittens so I can pick one to take home. I think there's 6 of them. Looking at all kinds of cat toys, beds, etc on Amazon right now lol

I have been texting with my case manager from IOP today. He went before the director and plead my case. He said I haven't harmed since the one time at the beginning of program, the ER doctor didn't hold me, and I've come a long way in program and am almost done. I have to sign some sort of safety contract/commitment but they are going to let me back into IOP. My case manager is a miracle worker. I am so thankful for him. I don't know if I want to see the IOP T again but I might not have a choice. At least she is on vacation until Friday of next week. I'm going to have another therapist do check in's with me while she is out. I don't know what that will look like but okay. I'm not thrilled about having to sign a contract. I think it is actually counter productive for the IOP place. They are basically acknowledging that I am a risk to myself and that they are continuing to treat me. I don't see how that could go their way in court but I'll sign the paper anyway, since it will get me back into IOP. My case manager is an angel.

At least I've stopped crying. And I got an appointment with my PCP for tomorrow at 2:30 PM. The hospital wanted me to follow up with her. I'm not actually sure what she will be able to do for me but okay. An appointment I have.

Still have a headache. Just took an ibuprofen. Hopefully that helps because it’s the 2nd one I took today so I’m not taking any more

Hope your headache goes away soon Blue_Bird! HUGS Kit

Thanks SK

I’m having a horrible panic attack right now. I feel like there’s chemicals in me trying to kill me

This is the bed I'm getting for the cat when I get them

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0...BO9GSH7EX&th=1

Just got a notification slid under my door, bingo is tomorrow at 11am. I feel like **** right now, I really hope I feel better by tomorrow morning so I can call Bingo without any problems. I guess if I still feel bad I'll still do it, It's like 40-ish minutes of me calling the letters/numbers so it's not too bad, it would be over pretty quickly

I take two every time I have a headache! Load em up!

Ibuprofen is my favourite drug

I still have a slight headache, Even after 2 ibuprofen, I'm hoping it fades away completely at some point tonight. I'm drinking hot chocolate right now which has a little caffeine in it so hopefully that helps too

I hate headaches, I've been getting more of them recently. Probably because of my crappy diet.

But I did sleep too much last night, whenever I sleep too much, like over 10 hours, I always wake up with a bad headache

I hate to do this but if I don't get any sleep tonight I don't know if I'll be able to call bingo tomorrow. Between the headache, and feeling weird/panicky/paranoid about chemicals, etc I just don't know if I can do it without zoning out and totally panicking. I did it fine last time but I was feeling good then mentally and physically. I'll see how I feel in the morning I guess. If I don't feel up to it I'll let the apartment care manager know and then she can call Bingo instead, and then I'll do it again next time we have a game

@BB, you're doing well.. Don't worry <3 You're doing very good with the issues that you're having. It'll get better eventually. You're strong! I admire the struggle.. Eventually, once your brain rewires itself, you'll look back and think wow... Relax your mind, body, spirit.. Lots of breaks will help.

Thanks Desoxyn!


I'm thinking of taking a 3rd ibuprofen. It just says to not exceed 6 tablets in 24 hours. They're 200mg soft gels

Edit: yeah I just took a 3rd. It's been 4 1/2 hours since my last dose so it should be fine

I might ask my great aunt for a cider.. They're home made ciders.. (If my mom ALLOWS ME TO DRINK ONE)

I am sorry you're going through all that. I had an experience with IOP that wasn't quite as taxing as what you're describing, but I felt similarly upon conclusion of the program. I am lucky to have a therapist who truly gets me and a psychiatrist who does too. Anyway, you can get through this!

I can't drink cause of benzos. But I'm fine with that. Anyway. I'm not sure if that's the type of cider you're referring to.

I am feeling extremely confused again. It sucks having this all the time.

Ready for this stupid headache to go away! It's still lingering. Maybe I'll try to sleep and hopefully it will be gone when I wake up. I just have to make sure I don't oversleep and miss the bingo thing

Ate food and had a cider. I feel unmotivated now. Might as well go to sleep.

There's always a part of the day where I'm too awake to sleep and too tired to do anything. Idk wtf people are supposed to do at 7-9pm.

It's like a time of playing guitar or an instrument or something.. That's what it feels like. Too late to take dextroamphetamine.

@Blue_Bird how are you feeling this morning with your headache and everything? Were you able to call Bingo?

Hey SlumberKitty, no, I let them know I couldn't do it today, I woke up and still have a bad headache so can't really focus enough to do that, and on top of that still feel paranoid about chemicals. I thought going to sleep last night and waking up would at least get rid of the headache, I've had it since yesterday morning.