Roll Call 190

It’s 4 degrees right now with a wind chill that makes it feel like -14 degrees

Does the abilfy keep you awake at night, it actually makes me sleepy so I take it at night. Anyway since it’s your main AP you might want to move it so you’ll take it every day. It’s got a 72 hr half life but the dose if you miss is still too low.

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I took it at 1pm today. So hopefully that gets me back on track. I can’t tell if it makes me tired or keeps me up

I have some lavender scented wax welting in my Scentsy wax warmer, smells amazing

So I was at work.. And people were talking casually. I wanted to say things but it felt the same as when I was as a teenager. I felt anxious.

I still feel paranoid about the vaccine. The spots all over my body don't seem to be going away. I procrastinated the first shot and then didn't want to take the second but the bloody government phoned me and told me to get it - So I did. I'm definitely not getting the third or more. I was tricked.

This whole world is ****ed - And I'm in too much fear to at least enjoy my life during the end times. A coworker was talking to someone as I walked out the door about the situation in Canada and she said "Yeah now a bunch of people are awakening to the corruption". I just have to accept my decision.

Anyways, I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am dependent on a very low dose of phenibut. I wish I could do MDMA assisted psychotherapy or something. I don't know what to do. I need to write a book or something about my past and what happened. I'm so confused. My decision making is too fixed now to buy any drugs. All I'm basically doing is waiting to die it seems.

I'm going to tell my mom about all of this. I took extra phenibut which should kick in soon. It's extremely difficult. I don't know how most people can think spiritually and I needed psilocybin to be normal. And no one knows what is real - It's all nonsense. I went on Twitter and I think, "Why are people wasting their time trying to be RIGHT?".

I feel like we're too lost to save at this point. I knew this in 2012. That's why I gave up - Everything was chaos. My parents and ex step dad are insane. I grew up in nonsense, I will die in nonsense and my afterlife will also be nonsense.

I'm sorry guys. All of this is too much for me. It always has been.

Hey all,

It's been a long time since I was here last.

I'm overall quite well. I've been on clozapine for a couple years with very good affects, side effects aside. No more, or minimal paranoia, hallucinations, delusions, etc . I'm so grateful for my life to be heading back in the right direction.

I have applied for university programme for the coming fall. Bachelor's in Information Technology.

I hope everyone is well. <3

I don't exist

I feel sorry for my mom that she has to deal with me when she comes home from work.

I just let go of the wheel completely. I have no idea what is going to happen next and I don't care in the slightest.

Hugs desoxyn. If you had a do-over what would you do with your life? Know that you still can.

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I would have defended myself instead of succumbing to fear every day. I would have trusted my intuition. It feels the same so I guess I still can.

I feel like I have nothing to lose in this life. It's just an infinite spider web and I'm stuck in the bad part.

I will try..

Didn't drink coffee today. Can't focus.

I'm about to make some. I can't focus either so I'm listening to music for a little while then I'm gonna read

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Sometimes setting a timer helps me focus. I set it for like 25 minutes to an hour definitely depending on what I'm doing. Like for reading I set it for an hour and I have to only do that for an hour and can't stop until the timer goes off. Usually after the first 5 minutes I get into it and can focus better then can go even longer than an hour

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I feel good. I got some stuff done today.

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That’s good, glad you’re feeling better…..

Sent the bf downstairs to watch his sports, only feel a little guilty.

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We have decided that the ultimate dip is getting queso and then adding pico to it….easy and delish. Somehow we got the last cheese dip and Tostitos strips which we like.

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I see my therapist pretty soon, its been well over a month so it's much needed. I'm going to suggest to my psychiatrist two sleep meds, being two of mine aren't ideal. Paranoia has been up the past month. So has guilt and shame. PTSD hasn't flared at all really. As I focus it into my writing, it's really helped me process it. However, I've been hitting the books hard the last month, proud of myself actually. It's been giving me fresh writing ideas. Just a few here and there, but I really just need a new story to work on. The ink well is dry in my current one.

Welcome back finding reason! It has been very, very long.

My sister called today and we talked for awhile. She has to have some kind of laser procedure done to remove something in her lungs, it's that mass they found like a month ago, it's scar tissue from asbestos (spelling?) apparently, anyway, it's cancer cells but they're going to remove it

Why so long for the T visit? Reading is the best stress reducer out there in addition to providing ideas.

That’s scary bluebird….hope she’s ok.

Thanks I hope so too, our mom died from Leukemia so I hope she doesn't end up having any kind of cancer too, and that whatever the mass/cells are don't spread.

Yeah I was kinda thinking of how similar our stories are with cancer in the family. Fingers crossed for you guys 🤞

I haven't had the money so I had to wait, it's almost been 2 months actually now that I recall. The past couple weeks I've had a lot of time to dwell, so I'm glad I set up an appointment.

My next read will be another spiritual kick that 12PM's man kept on suggesting to me. The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky. A book with major Christian themes. It's got to be easier than this book I'm slogging through right now haha. Both are about the same number of pages over 700 if i include notes.