Roll Call 191

Is it right under your bottom left rib? I've had a bad pain there and it felt better to MOVE.. the bottom rib..

It went away. Not sure what it was - But for you maybe not the same thing.

I always get super unmotivated about this time of day - more like 5 o'clock in the evening, and I feel extremely tired. I feel like it is related to the 0.875 mg of Klonopin I take at that hour. I wanna get off of this stuff. At least I'm down by 0.125 mg though. I've been trying to figure out life's meaning lately too. I wish I was more motivated sometimes. And I don't know if I should live on my own or with my parents again.

I also kinda feel like I'm drifting through space again.

I gotta just write more. That will help me.

ugh I hate the type of thorazine pills I get now, for a couple years I got ones that were really easy to swallow, they had a smooth coating on them, now they only give me these ones that are hard to swallow without that nice coating on them (same dose), half the time it starts dissolving by time I'm able to swallow it and it's very bitter

Oh well. At least my meds seem to be working, this is what I'm on

Trileptal 1500mg
Abilify 15mg
Zoloft 200mg
Thorazine 200mg
Wellbutrin 300mg SR
Naltrexone 50mg (used in combo with the Wellbutrin to help with weight loss)
Klonopin 0.5mg (PRN can be taken up to 2 times a day but I rarely take it)

Non psych med:
Omeprazole 40mg delayed release

I've been feeling really good, hopefully it lasts. I think I've made progress. It's been over a week since I've last freaked out thinking my meds were poisoning me

Well I'm gonna go escape into The Witcher 3 for a couple hours, then maybe get a few hours of sleep before I get up to go to the dentist, goodnight

My only emotions

No jk but every day is pain lol

Yeah for me, too, I think, every day is pain.

doing ok today, clozapine kicking in a little

I told my mom about how I don't want to think about meds/mental health stuff anymore because everything can't be perfect - But she said that I should - and we'll see my therapist on Friday.

I told her about what the tea did to my heart last night and that I don't want to get my heart tested properly because of fear that there's something wrong. She said that I should so we can deal with it.

It was a wake up call - All 3 people I skied with today have bad heart conditions including my mom.

I'm afraid that the stimulant abuse in the past did something to my heart and my mom says that it's not likely.

I want the stimulant lowered because I think the dose could be too high - It seems to just be making my ADHD/executive dysfunction much worse anyways. I can't go on like this. It's torture. Hundreds of ****ing things 1 second each every day. It's nonsense.

But I'll try to do the right thing and try to live. My therapist has ADHD - It's noticeable. So she can help me probably.

I go from doing nothing + forced labour and no life + humiliation and avoidance of any unpleasant emotion (Where I don't learn/experience anything beneficial) to doing everything in every direction yet still having to put pressure on myself from a now, nonexistent force. But it's still an unpleasant FORCE. If this continues, it will break my mind. The antipsychotics, I still hang by a thread.

Heading to the dentist in a few minutes. It’s 5:40am. I woke up at 4:30am. I want to go back to sleep but I need to go and already got ready so I’m going to just get it over with.

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Well I’m here. It’s cold out. I’m glad I brought my coat. Have about 38 more minutes to wait. I’m the first person here again so that’s good.

I miss my kitty. I can’t wait till I’m done and can go home to see her. I’m gonna give her half a can of wet food to celebrate the holiday.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!


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They gave me an appointment for 7:45am today for the cleaning and exam. So I’m just sitting in the waiting room now.

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So I need a root canal and crown (if my insurance approves it, I really hope so), several fillings and also an extraction. Great. Just adds to my insecurity. At least it’s a bottom tooth and not right out in the front.

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Oh well, at least I actually went and got it over with. I didn’t realize it had been since 2019 since I got a cleaning and full exam. I have 2 appointments scheduled for fillings. I will probably need more appointments after that for more fillings and everything else. My next appointment is May 6th.

@SP I found out why they didn’t use the UV light on the filling to set it when I went last week for the toothache, it’s just a temporary filling, it’s just there until they either give me a root canal and crown or an extraction if my insurance denies the root canal.

Listening to the good vibes playlist….now I’m thinking what if I tried to be friends with big boss? I feel like we have similar life paths. Idk it could be dangerous though…not sure.

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Happy St. Patricks Day !!

I had horrible dreams. I bought a grenade online and through it through the window of my mom's ex's house (That was a good part though).

I feel horrible without cortisol. The levels are rising now. I'm going skiing today =]

Avoiding sugar (as in the kind from pastries, candy, ice cream, sweetened drinks, etc) except on my birthday and holidays, or really special occasions (like to celebrate if I get a job, volunteer, or finish my associates degree).

It will be helpful for my weight loss and will be good for my teeth to avoid it.

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Happy St. Patrick's Day all! I'm wearing a "Life is Good" Shamrock tee shirt and green and white Llama Leprechauns socks! Lol.

I am super tired ya'll. I can't seem to get past this exhaustion! I don't know if it is the depression, anemia, fibromyalgia ME/CFS, or a mixture. I didn't go to Church last night so I wouldn't get home late. I went to bed at 7:30 PM and woke up at 4 AM and I'm tired as a rock. (Can a rock get tired?) I don't know. I feel like I'm moving through cement and it's just as heavy. Even with the Vyvanse!

I feel like redecorating my office space, once I get some energy. I bought a couple of totes from thirty-one (my sister sells them) that I can put file folders and stuff in. I want to get a candle for in here too. I can't wait until we get our new offices. I hope my office is bigger. This one is kind of claustrophobic at times.