Roll Call 191

OH my gosh, yes! I can see it now!!!!

Couldn’t hurt to ask….

Or be like, ask for forgiveness if it's not okay!!!!

I feel so much better after walking Tuesday and skiing today and yesterday. Don't need as much phenibut, socializing, good fun.. Drinking too!

Maybe it's cuz I also took a microdose not sure. I can't overthink.. And I like to overthink..

My mom made Irish stew and poured in Guinness. Well go bring it to the gathering of people...

Then I work tomorrow morning.

Lately I've been realizing and having to decide which song I listen to while predicting what mood I'll feel.. Cuz I don't want to go into the wrong infinite dimension if you know what I mean..

Have you ever tried exercise for mood? It seems like you’re best skiing or hiking and sometimes exercise connects you to your body better.

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I did try climbing a hill/mountain every day after work - I did it for 2 days... Each time, I came home and crashed (Slept 12+ hours). Then my coworker would ask me what I did while not working and I said, "All I did was climb the hill"..

Idk.. I need balance - But there's so many things to balance. I like recommending to people here about the long list of things to cope, heal, thrive.. But am not an entrepreneur (They somehow know how to navigate passed depression etc, often even though money driven, they're surprisingly thoughtful, etc).

Played The Witcher 3 for a couple hours and watched an episode of Pokemon. Also read for awhile.

Tomorrow I'm walking to CVS to pick up my meds, then walking to family dollar to buy some eggs and aluminum foil, then cleaning some, and watching some movies.

Miss Mustachio is laying on me right now. We took a nap together earlier today. I fell asleep for 3 hours because I was tired from waking up at 4:30 in the morning.

My dentist gave me some pronamel sensodyne toothpaste to help strengthen my enamel so I'm gonna start using that and I'm going to switch to that brand permanently since it's probably the best for my teeth. They give you little bags after your cleaning/exam w/ a tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush, floss, she put in two things of Listerine flouride mouthwash. I already have a giant one here at home but that's still nice to have more and I'm glad to know I'm using the right type of mouthwash.

Just had a cup of peppermint herbal tea. Avoiding coffee most of the time now since the acidity isn't great for teeth.

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I'm craving sourdough toast or ciabatta toast w/ butter, so good. Maybe I'll get one of them when I go grocery shopping Monday.

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I always feel better after taking a long walk outside or walking fast on the treadmill for 45 minutes to an hour. It helps release endorphins.

Reading is another good thing. I think there's a study that reading for even just 6 minutes can reduce stress or whatever by a significant percentage. I've been reading a lot lately.

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Thanks SK, I'm proud of myself too. I have been trying to get myself to do it for so long I'm glad I was able to finally push myself to just get it done. My motivation the do things in general and be productive has vastly increased over the past month. I got myself to get my toothache checked out last week and got my cleaning today which is a huge accomplishment for me.

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I am looking for another full time job. I just can't live on $0.

My moms friend invited her us all over to his house and a couple people showed up.

I'm not able to have a conversation. I thought mostly about



most of the time. It could be the two beers that I had. But I feel like this is the real me - Nihilistic. I just have to give into it. I'm not the person I used to be before I was traumatized. The one that people liked.

But it's always been like this. It's been 10 years of psychiatric help and it hasn't helped. I feel mentally handicapped. I also feel worthless and stupid.

I was just feeling kinda worthless as well. I guess I'm kinda going through Klonopin withdrawal and I have to remind myself of that. I wish there were an easier path.

S*** and I don't see my therapist until Monday.

Sorry, didn't mean to derail what you were talking about.

No it's ok you didn't. I know you're struggling too - And any interaction is helpful.

No one should feel as bad as we often do. I think there's nothing left to say. I'm just waiting for death. I don't even want to go to heaven. I just want there to be nothing. But nothing will never exist.

Listening to Prozak helps me;

I just have to pretend to be happy so people will leave me alone. When I'm around people IRL, they notice that I'm not mentally well and they don't know what to do.

I do want to experience life but my mind can't do that.

Edit:

The clonazepam kind of numbed my mind. Now I have no idea what was wrong with me.

Edit: It's confusing as ****

I talked to my mom. She thinks it's the CBD weed. So I'll try to stop for a while.

I feel much better. I'll wake up early and clean the house after work. Imma sleep.. things will be good...

Morning friends.

Heading out in a little while. Have a headache. Annoying but I just had a cup of coffee and it seems to be subsiding a bit. If it doesn't go away completely and lingers on then I'll take some ibuprofen later.

I slept good, had really bad dreams though related to stuff going on in the world right now.

I just took my last two ibuprofen for my headache. Guess I should pick up some more generic brand ibuprofen while I’m at CVS today so I have it around in case I ever need it.

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I’m paying off my library late fee. I did return the books awhile back. I accumulated a late fee of $55 during the time I was struggling leaving the house due to agoraphobia and obviously I couldn’t get myself to go return them for awhile and they were long overdue. I never normally do that. I’m normally super good with returning stuff. I went several years without getting a single late fee. I didn’t expect to start struggling with agoraphobia randomly again. But I’m doing better now and am going to pay off my late fee so I can start using the library again and I’ll make sure I return stuff on time.

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Therapist today with my mom. Should be interesting.