Roll Call 193

My mom gets mad at me every time I mention that I'm not well. The apathy.

Hugs Desoxyn

I broke things off with my ex again. Nothings ever going to change. Ever.
(TW) I’m out in a restaurant and I just want to go home. I feel suicidal. Safe, but suicidal. (/TW)

Hugs SK if you need to talk We are here for you….

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So my mom has been feeling unwell last couple days, and with my dizziness (and low fever yesterday) we decided to take COVID tests. Turns out my mom has COVID but me and my sister are both negative.

So we’re in lockdown now in our house. Hopefully I won’t get COVID but it’s likely I’ll end up with it.

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I'm sorry, Kit. But now you have a new reason to not relapse, it doesn't work. Hugs,

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I have horrible anxiety today, not sure why. My second eye surgery is on Thursday. I'm not worried about it, but I might have to shower on my own tomorrow.

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I just ordered chilis from DoorDash….it was expensive lol but hopefully will be worth it, I haven’t had it in months.

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It’s almost 100 with a heat index of 110 here…..record breaking weather up here.

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My mom gets mad at me every time I mention that I'm not well. The apathy.

I broke things off with my ex again. Nothings ever going to change. Ever.
(TW) I’m out in a restaurant and I just want to go home. I feel suicidal. Safe, but suicidal. (/TW)

SP, yeah, its going to be like 94 tomorrow and I have to work outside tomorrow.

Hiya everyone. I'm doing so-so. My paranoia has been up. =( I've been doing so good too.

In better news, I'm leading a reading group to discuss my favorite book. This is my moment to shine haha. I have a friend who is helping me out. Have you guys seen Everything Everywhere All At Once? 10-10 film score. It was amazing. The pace of the film was great, great message. They pulled something terrific off.

I really feel the lack of motivation today cuz I have a cold/flu.. I might have a bit of a fever so I took ibuprofen + another two times for bad headaches. I had chills all over my body for the whole night. Hacking up lungs.

Possible COVID o.- but w/e

I still took the Vyvanse and will just take it easy today. It took all of the energy I had to get ready for the morning.

Oh no! I hope you don't get COVID and that your mom feels better soon. Did you ever hear back from your Dr?

I was put on 200mg of topamax "for addictions" in the hospital and my outpatient psychiatrist took me off of it. I remember him saying to my mom "This med can make people lose 20 IQ points when they're on it" lol..

Not that you shouldn't take similar... But Topamax is no good I think.

I do have a lot of motivation.. I want to make lists and organize everything more efficiently..

I'm having a problem at work where they want me to work more (I only work 3 days a week). I said I would work 4 days and then the thought about being around them more daunted on me (Not knowing me and making judgements based on what I say because I'm not very self-revealing in work settings).

My moms ex ruined stuff for me. I worked my *** off being his slave for years and only talked to him in isolation. I think going to therapy would help me to ditch the cognitive distortion I have around that..

It makes me suicidal when I'm doing mindless things, like any task.. I want to use my mind to do things - But I'm starting to have doubts that I'm not good enough. If they aren't grateful that I'm working as much as I can, then I think I should find another job. The owner was like "What do you do on your non-work days?" I said "Hiking.." and before I could finish, she laughs... Like yeah.. - No time to even speak while we're working.

No one sees my worth - Not even me. I then start to think, "What's the point of even staying alive - Especially after my parents die? I don't see the point at all except following my intuition. Something that I can't explain during small talk" and no I don't have anything to live and die for - like a ****ing soldier. Surely I'm afraid to die - I don't know what's going to happen after... no one does - Well maybe a few very enlightened.. I imagine that my consciousness will be uploaded to somewhere to escape this simulation and become a God. But either way, if I die, it's not my fault. Even suicide. It's all just ideas. My existence is an idea. Infinity multiplied by infinity - That's all it is. And we're in a capsule.

I can't make eye contact either. I was laughed at of that - But I realized in the situation that it was funny. If I can't, might as well own it yknow.. lol.. I just don't want people to suck away/absorb my soul.

But yeah.. Work is over for the week so I can relax. Me and my mom are going to drive to the city this week because she has her mammogram - But she has a cold.. So idk what's gonna happen. I want to buy jeans at the mall (I don't pay attention to my appearance.. Or anyone else's appearance - If someone were to ask me "Do I look good?" I'd have no idea what to say because all I see is nothing).. But I should try and spend some money on improving.. Being like everyone else.. Although here's the thing..

The world has changed a lot in the past few years. Predicting the future is almost impossible for people, when they live in their own comfortable, isolated bubble. Things are gonna flash by and the more adaptable you are (Which I am NOT at all), they'll be OK - Which is most people. I realize how ****ed up reality is - And how strange.. how unreal things are. The metacognition and pondering meanings of life, universe, people were aware long before me. They'll be OK. I'll be with the homeless people once my parents are gone if meds.. aren't being manufactured (YES, I have a **** load of worries.. There's 1000 more of them floating around in my mind) - My siblings will help me out. I'll have money.

I do want to have some sort of challenge.. But my identity/mind is fragmented. All it is.. is potential, complexity. I am a good person mostly, I'm honest 99%.

Whatever. I don't care.

so my mom has a ununited fractured pelvis on the left side, a bilateral sacral fracture, torn adductor muscles, and also rotator cuff injury of the right arm. she is in severe pain. i asked off work to go down there and help her. she lives almost 2 hours from me. my boss at my job was completely cold hearted about the whole thing and i had a panic attack at work because she wasn't going to let me take off work!!! i almost quit my job that day. my coworkers talked me down and 1 of them gave me a klonopin. i just got back home from being at my mom's house. i work 10 days now starting tmm. my stress levels are high.