Roll Call 194

It'll be okay. The very simple things I cannot grasp.

I did this by taking olanzepine, less than 0.5mg of alprazolam and 45mg of Dexedrine. I fell asleep for the whole evening and night. I fell asleep all evening and night the day before as well.

I sleep so damn much. It helps.. I just don't get it.

If you really want to calm down a hyper/anxious kid, give them a bunch of dexedrine and benzos. It works.

I try to give a little more meaning to things, that they're good.. But always, people are much more advanced than me. They know what is good - And what's bad. I'm not very black and white - But I can dissociate away from anything that I say, or feel.. think.. do... I have good morals..

I choose to identify with what I think etc.. But it's not as sticky as the average person. That's why I have a persona that can be super happy, created - To get away from my pain.

I'm just identifying too much about with what is bad (And hey, everyone is the same.. They do the same thing - That's why advice works. People need to hear someone else say something, that validates their self-worth.. love, etc..).

But I can't do it anymore. I know too much, ignorance.. And what ever else is in Buddhism - Desire? the third one..

Three poisons - Wikipedia

These explain the thing.

I'm all over the place. I need grounding. It's worse than before, in the basement.. Because my mom/family is actually paying attention - To what I'm seeing (Because of social media etc, news, what has happened - Pandemic). Everyone is more alert. And very spiritual/aware people have been like this throughout history, no matter what has gone on in the world. And also, people are still ignorant etc, running in circles, homeless, addicts.. Despair.

Am in despair? Will things turn out for the better.. All you can do is hope.. Nothing is guaranteed.

Moha (Buddhism - Wikipedia)

"The term means "delusion, confusion, dullness".[4] The opposite of Moha is Prajna (insight, wisdom)."

I should text my siblings.. About what though...

Who do I talk to even.. there's potential of rebirth. It's the same as before - But I am wiser.. somewhat.

A flow state would help me. As I said,.. Just got to wait out, and suffer. I keep screwing up - And the video chat people stabbed me in my soul. And it was about nothing. WhY do I obsess about everything. It seems like nothing is good about me, IMO.

Edit: In order to get better, I have to LET GO of everything. I'm not able to even pretend that I'm fine - It doesn't work because I never follow up with that - I'm just connected to these thoughts. And there's nothing even wrong, like driving off a cliff to paradise.

Nvm I forgot to eat

Prime has some great stuff: The Boys, Man in the High Castle, Wheel of Time, are a few honorable mentions.

Hiya folks, I'm doing so-so. Weekend wasn't very productive but that can be nice. Saw my sister last week, wow that was nice, I miss her already. She looks so healthy. I'm happy for her.

I think I need to have another book to read because the book group im in is going very slow. I found some fantastic new things about my favorite poem though. Group readings are the best, i had no idea!

I finished the new season of stranger things, it was good, but man 2 and a hlf hour finale sure seemed like that was the closer, but they're going to have more seasons! Their stealing material from Netlix's The OA now, haha, well, i don't think they're stealing as much as giving a nod to a great show.

Ah I see the dentist, gotta have 3 fillings, i hope they finish it in one session.

All the best!

Funny podcast (Tim Dillon) caught my attention. It's hard for something to do that. That's grounding more than anything.

Humor can do it for me as well. It's interesting.

Also I am quitting therapy officially... Just done with it. I am going to keep a text chat therapy which is relatively inexpensive so that I can chat with someone if I need to. But my therapy is effectively cancelled.

I told my mom about the coke and flushed. I thought that I could spend the money from working an extra day and try to enjoy - But I don't even like it. Also, bad crash and paranoia. Bad, cardiotoxic stim. I'll try not to do stupid things like this.

It's a huge relief to tell truth. I feel so much better - Now I'll get back to prescribed meds.. I need therapy for sure. Idk what to do - But I feel really good rn. Just need to relax. That is all..

I wish I could read as much as Job - Or concentrate on anything that you guys do for more than 10 minutes. But I'm getting better.. Just got to keep trying.

Desoxyn…you have to keep trying…at some point I just started being able to read again after years of trying

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One tip though…if you’re having issues reading try audio books first.

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Nachos....YUM!!!!

Going back to college in the Spring sounds like a good plan. HUGS kit

Yeah!!! New clothes!

That was me yesterday. I worked last week except for Wed and Fri. But I volunteered for like 22 hours. Plus we had two of my sister's children for two weeks. My parents drove them halfway home yesterday and my sister drove the other half. So it was nice to get some space back. After Church yesterday I crashed for 4 hours in the afternoon and just slept and slept. I needed it though!

But before I slept, I ate a lot of Hawaiian BBQ chicken, and shrimp, and rice, and cabbage, and mac salad. Yum.

HUGS Desoxyn.

Hey Job! Good to see you!

That makes me feel hopeful. I used to be able to read for hours but I have a lot of trouble reading now. It's really hard. My focus is crap.

SP, I asked my pdoc about the sarcosine that you had talked about for negative symptoms but he was like, IDK anything about it. So IDK what to do.

I tried Audio books but it was hard to get into them. I almost finished one.

I'm glad it is a new week. My sister's children went home yesterday. I had fun with them...took them to the movies, took them to a wildlife sanctuary etc. But it is nice to have my own space back, y'know. Usually I dread Mondays but today I am not. I am like I get to talk to my T tomorrow, and go to Aftercare Zoom on Thursday and I am supposed to go out to dinner with a friend on Friday. Looking like an okay week right now. I must be positive right now because of all that extra sleep I got yesterday! LOL!

There is scientific data available but because it’s an amino acid big pharma can’t make a profit so it’s not advertised to doctors. Schizophrenia.com really promotes it and you can find resources there. It’s fast acting like caffiene so it will either work or not and you can choose to continue or not.

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