Roll Call 199

Atenolol, olanzepine, diazepam. Those helped.

Now I sleep.. to go to work in the morning. I miss my mom (She's gone somewhere for work for 24 hours).

I spent the day, lying on the couch, with sunglasses on, listening to music (With the news on the TV in the background) which I could hear through my earbuds. It was probably one of the craziest states of ket I've ever been in... Dancing around, occasionally helping an autist friend with her trip..

I felt like I was in an infinite reality.. I would move my hands, arms around in weird ways.. Saying things in my head (That people from other dimensions or downtown can hear.. waiting for someone to come into the apartment... but realize and accepted, that I always suffer - And no one shows up.. all alone in those states). My cat jumped onto me and calmed me for about 10 minutes, and I felt better.

My mom phoned, and I was in a magic DPDR state, boiled perogies and made grilled cheese.. I didn't do much of anything productive..

And I want to.. I want the best life - Like what you guys talk about with "self care", and "colouring", etc.. To be mindful, relaxed, comfortable.. But I was never like that in my life.. But I try.. It's always freaking out, pain and stress. Although my mood has been really good.. I'm just not sure how to get out of these bad habits.

I ordered the new Bose earbuds (400 dollar) - I bought like 4-5x 300 dollar wired earbuds (When I was a teenager - They always broke). Then 2x wireless after that, then Sony wireless earbuds... But they always break or lose their battery power.. This one will arrive next week (And I'm excited for it).. I have my earbuds in usually, all day, every day..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird ..... In the meantime I’ll keep volunteering and looking and asking around trying to get connections and see if I can find somewhere that I can work that’s suitable for me

Finding work that is suitable for you is important. The chances of success are so much greater and keeping the job will be so much easier than working at a job that is a bad fit.

Keep at it. It's tough but in the end it will pay off. -- That's what everyone tells me and there seems to be truth in it. I've been in this situation before.

That is brutal.

What type of suns are these? Class O?

I just applied for 2 dishwashing jobs , one in a Italian cafe and one in a pizza place. I also applied for a job at the grocery store , for their grocery department and bakery department.

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I figure if I keep applying and going to interviews I’ll get something at some point.

I also figure dishwashing, and grocery store type jobs would be a tad lower stress than fast food. I honestly don’t think fast food is the place for me

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I honestly think I’ve made a lot of progress though

Like a year ago I wasn’t volunteering, wasn’t applying for jobs and had never been to an interview. And my mental health was really bad. Now I’ve done all that and am not giving up. Me a year or so ago would have literally given up and gotten depressed over getting rejected from a job. I also worked on trauma and stuff in therapy.

Plus I’m going back to college at the end of august.

For someone like me who also has a history of BPD in addition to my other diagnoses. That one in particular really makes it hard to face any kind of rejection or criticism real or imagined. Like it feels like a punch to the face. So the fact that I got over getting rejected from Burger King in a matter of hours is a good sign

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Also sent an email to a local indie bookstore I love going to, asking if they were by any chance hiring. I couldn't find any links on their website for applying, so I figured it couldn't hurt to ask. Working in a bookstore especially that one would be like a dream come true

The bookstore emailed me back. They said they don’t have online applications but I’m welcome to come in anytime and fill one out there and meet one of the managers so I plan on doing that probably tomorrow

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I think I’m still going to my McDonald’s interview on May 11th. Even if just for the interview experience. Even if I get rejected again. It will be good to practice.

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I cry....

It's so easy to cry after glutamate rebound from ket being relieved, from my meds.. diazepam, pregabalin, olanzepine, atenolol, dexedrine.

My mom gave me a bracelet - It said "Someday when the pages of my life end, I know that you will always be one of the most beautiful chapters. Always keep me in your heart for you are always in mine. Nothing and nobody, not even time will ever change that. Mother and Son Forever Linked Together".

I don't want her to die, or my dad. But they will die eventually, soon maybe who knows. I don't understand death of close ones (Never in my life). So it's going to be so sad that Idk what I'll do.

That's one of the reasons it's good to move out and live independently, it helps reduce the emotional fragility of losing a parent.

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I love you lol. I remember your reminders now... I often need to be reminded...

I will keep it on my mind, and plan it..

But at this point, it's like... How do I even survive - I'm responsible now... But I'm not some criminal on the streets, looting Walmart so I can sell a Dyson fan or clothes to get food.

Fell asleep at like 6pm. 14 hour sleep. Dreaming about.. having to finish high-school in Ireland.. I keep having this dream. It's horrible. Lol.

Am happy that I'm given Dexedrines, just to wake up for work. They work well..

I'm so lucky I have health insurance right now, paid the premium just now. Now I don't need to worry about all those health expenses from this month. Man that would have been crazy expensive. My Canadian pals are lucky they don't have to worry about such things. haha Now I need to find a primary doctor and talk to my pdoc.

Anyway, I adulted a lot this morning! So now I'm just relaxing at my usual place I go to every Saturday, finalizing my first draft. I also found tons of editors, and they aren't even that expensive. I should tell Newt this, if I haven't already.

That's how I healed my trauma. Writing was an act of depth psychology performed on myself. It really does work. The power of words are amazing.

I have a busy week of appointments next week. I'm going to try and squeeze a hike in even though my free day is supposed to be rainy. Maybe I'll go to a waterfall, which should be spectacular with all the melting snow.

I restarted DBT with my therapist yesterday. Pretty happy about that as I was finding it pretty helpful. We're picking back up with distress tolerance, something I really need to work on. I got my haldol injection yesterday too.

Peace out

I'm a big audiophile too. I had one great pair of earphones, but I dropped it in the parking lot and they got ran over, so I had to buy something new, and I bought a pair of noise cancelling Sennheiser and I love them. But for work I just use a cheap $35 pair, they get lost so quickly and they get stuff all over them from work.

Went to the chiropractor today. Apparently I have a muscle imbalance between my left and right side. And not great posture. Took some X-rays and got an adjustment. Good cracks.

My mom referred me to the doctor so I got the initial exam and X-rays for free.

I see the dietician tomorrow hopefully that goes well.

Made turkey tacos for lunch. Going to have pizza for dinner.

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Drank coffee at work.. Did so much work, non-stop from 9am-12pm. I wouldn't be able to do that much work without 3x trinity stims (Dex, nicotine, caffeine).

I came home, got everything out of the way (Shower - Which took literally 2 minutes, shaving, etc).. Refilled med box..

Little sket (Not the alcohol-like rket), and mood is verryyy good. Clear minded, talked to the autist friend. The acid made her depressed. But I comfort depressed people (As I know what it's like).

Now.. to attend to the goals and TODO list.. Although I should relax a bit.. Never usually in a flow state.. During the glutamate rebound yesterday, I was assembling a table for my mom, and fingers hurt from twisting the Alan key etc.. I was like "Why am I constantly a slave.... I could build pyramids all by myself like I might as well..". No one knows how it's like to be a real slave.. But we're all slaves though - To the suffering of life (Especially when you have high dynorphin pain sensitivity in schiz/PTSD brain).

But anyways, afternoon Dexedrine, pregabalin too.. It will be a magical day. I got the fax for all med refills (So no worries).. Probably will watch some corruption news for a bit... (To be more aware, every day.. Of our decaying world economy.. Like 50%+ Americans are living pay check to pay check.. Holy F...).