Roll Call 199

I don't judge at all, I've done some crazy things before I was on meds too, especially when I was drinking. I agree with everyone, stay on your meds, including ap's. If you feel too crowded by your bf, just be honest and say it's a little too quick paced and you need more "me time".

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I stayed up until 2am to watch Thriller, but then I didn't want to see that ep. But I'm staying up much too late. This morning when I was wiped out they sprung a doc appointment on me for like 8am. I couldn't go and then I slept all day. So I'm upset with myself today. I'm not sure why I didn't receive a text from that doc office. Like yesterday when I might have been able to sleep and show up today. Anyway now I'll have to reschedule.

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Ah.. I skipped 2x afternoon Dexedrine today (For taking an extra 4x two nights ago). One more time, I'll need to skip...

Am spacey spacey.

Ahh! Headache!!

Advils.. where's the Advils...

I remember the first day I woke up in my own bed, and looked at my new pill bottles. I sighed, but years later, yeah, it's just a tiny pill I swallow, I have the same mindset.

My memory isn't what it use to be, but i can still write, I can be creative, I can work, I only do something embarrassing like once a year now XD But when I do, it's absolutely balls to the walls crazy! haha

Ah, I'm doing so so, still getting the migraines, but I have 3 balls rolling on it. Hopefully we figure this out soon. I'll probably get on Topamax I'm guessing whene the Pdoc nurse calls me back tomorrow. Man, hearing a few of you guy's manic confessions is really humanizing to hear guys, I actually appreciated reading those because mine were a bit crazy too, but I was hypomanic for years, resulting in years of hypersexuality. Way too much dopamine to the brain. While I was peaking in dopamine, during my prodromal phase and during psychosis, oh my god, haha its good to laugh at hindsight. lol

I wanted those pill bottles.. But everyone knew I should have been medicated as a small child As I was an extremely dissociated weird.

Well I guess children are dissociated and weird, trippy. But for me, other kids thought I was weird.. But funny.

Then I became so depressed. One of the most depressed, sitting on the bench, thinking I'm God. Then I'd go inside, put my head down and scribble out perfect math grades, idiot at language arts.

I then.. was in honours for 3 other languages, moved to no where in Canada - I thought "Wtf is this?" .. And "Why am I doing slave things - Why can't I eat toast in the living room". There was always a manipulative narcissist sociopath, present.. Watching over me, instilling as much fear into me as how dark it was in Ireland, school.. Having panic attacks when the bell rang.

I had a good life, but also the most fear like **** of the mind and soul. I'd have to write a book to explain my story.. sorry..

If I wanted to eat a sandwich, we had to stop on the side of the road so it doesn't get in the vehicle. I cleaned that vehicle, and sanded trailers, blasted them, welded housing foundation cones, cleaned mud out of oil rig vacuum tanks.. It was like 1000's of years.

I had sooo much.. incredible amount of motivation. And it was all used up.. I broke down. I was the sweetest, kind, loving, spacey kid. I had problems. Society... And evil. Now I know..

Now I know.. I can't work hard, I have to work smart. And I have so much trouble saying no.. So much that I'd walk the dirt road infinity path, cuz other people tell me to....

I have to.. stand up for myself. But I need.. to collect more information.. And BB? It's the same thing with the autist speed friend.. We are in love - But she takes up all of my time. BUT REMEMBER... that's not a bad thing.. feeding off of mania - As long as people are there for you during the depression/lows etc..

I'm mind bending, the walls of text (But also the ideas I write), and observations, AvPD etc.. I didn't ask for a relationship. I just wanted to be friends - But she has more feelings for me, it's lovingly positive...

I just need.. To not be zombified. I got 100 years worth of ideas from DPDR. But look at job, reading all of those philosophical literature.. I do have a lot of hobbies - But damn.. I always complain about these things.. the scatteredness of focus, not being able to start and finish things, concentration - So there we go, meditation, exercise, mindfulness, gratitude etc.. And the podcasts, they helped........ Reading a few books, constant..

Constant.. Like I didn't know that I was manic (When I was) or in psychosis.. I was just like "the paradox" (Infinity basically) - But I had so much energy, agitation, irritability. My moms ex was an "alpha male", stomping around upstairs, and I was fearing the annoyance. And my mom is annoying too. I can't get a ****ing break from life. I have to argue with people, to advocate for myself just every second of any decision that I make.. Society is dying too. Wtf was the pandemic. Everyone didn't even wake up. 1984 etc.. Yknow..

I'm done. I'm not talking. Everyone can go to hell (But I love you guys ) *cries*

Spirituality has been the best thing next to antipsychotics for me

Spiritual Implications of Psychosis: How a Spiritual Perspective Can Provide Health Benefits to Mind and Body

Ah I don't have the mental energy to read this, but will tomorrow..

saturn is transiting my 12 house. where Pisces has my mercury and Venus. saturn transit 12th house is called the long goodbye. and it's painful

Hey guys. Been battling migraines for a few days. It sucks. Have a therapy appointment today at one. My Therapist is finally back from vacation. Yay.

My finger is doing good from my cut (I swear I almost cut off the tip of my finger) and I got my stitches out yesterday so I’m hoping to rejoin the gym this weekend.

Good habits!

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Me and my bf talked today and we are going to start taking things slower and communicating better now with each other, so things are working out now

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I was in mild psychosis - And took 0.5mg of clonazepam ("If your agitated, take those" - My psychiatrist said), a 3mg Invega pill (Since my Invega Trinza injection is soon), 20mg of Dexedrine SR (Afternoon dose), 250mg of phenibut (Didn't kick in yet, but emergency euphoriant) and 75mg of pregabalin (Mood stabilizer).

I know it's a bit much.. But it's the most dramatic change in mental state that I've ever experienced.. Hypomanic in like half an hour.. I really am.. mentally ill..

But all is good - In 10 minutes, I go to work (But I said this is the last day with helping out people in a second job. After today, I'm leaving..).

My dad will visit soon, all will be good.

This is just an example of how meds can be extremely helpful for people that really need them, desperate for relief - From mental torture.

Don't give up. Non of you have given up (Well, maybe many times.. But you're still here, breathing). I see you all, well done - With all of the surviving you guys have done.

Same here!

I took my meds yesterday and today so far, I'm exhausted but at least I slept finally.

Therapy was good. I hope she starts having some suggestions though. I guess she did have one. She said that if I feel like the TV is watching me, to turn it off. I thought it could still watch me. But she says it has to have a power source. So that means that it is possible then, right?

I have moon Saturn in my 12th natively. I think it's the root of my anxiety.

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I'm glad you finally got to see your t. Sorry about the migraines.

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If you unplugged your tv it couldn't watch you, but if there had to be a way, a small battery run camera could conceivably be hidden in the frame of the tv or DVD area. But there isn't. I spent 14 years believing my sadistic stalker was doing that to me, but I was wrong, and I wish I had known that all that time.

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He said he supports and respects my decision to stay on meds and that it’s completely up to me and apologized if I felt pressured to come off them. So that’s good.

Anyway we’ve just been talking about stuff. We both get very impulsive and stuff, and deal with similar symptoms due to bipolar , so we’re like doing this thing we’re if we notice one or both of us being really impulsive or doing something that upsets the other we say something about it and discuss it together , and try to be open and communicate well with each other about how we’re feeling always.

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