Roll Call 199

That's one of the reasons it's good to move out and live independently, it helps reduce the emotional fragility of losing a parent.

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I love you lol. I remember your reminders now... I often need to be reminded...

I will keep it on my mind, and plan it..

But at this point, it's like... How do I even survive - I'm responsible now... But I'm not some criminal on the streets, looting Walmart so I can sell a Dyson fan or clothes to get food.

Fell asleep at like 6pm. 14 hour sleep. Dreaming about.. having to finish high-school in Ireland.. I keep having this dream. It's horrible. Lol.

Am happy that I'm given Dexedrines, just to wake up for work. They work well..

I'm so lucky I have health insurance right now, paid the premium just now. Now I don't need to worry about all those health expenses from this month. Man that would have been crazy expensive. My Canadian pals are lucky they don't have to worry about such things. haha Now I need to find a primary doctor and talk to my pdoc.

Anyway, I adulted a lot this morning! So now I'm just relaxing at my usual place I go to every Saturday, finalizing my first draft. I also found tons of editors, and they aren't even that expensive. I should tell Newt this, if I haven't already.

That's how I healed my trauma. Writing was an act of depth psychology performed on myself. It really does work. The power of words are amazing.

I have a busy week of appointments next week. I'm going to try and squeeze a hike in even though my free day is supposed to be rainy. Maybe I'll go to a waterfall, which should be spectacular with all the melting snow.

I restarted DBT with my therapist yesterday. Pretty happy about that as I was finding it pretty helpful. We're picking back up with distress tolerance, something I really need to work on. I got my haldol injection yesterday too.

Peace out

I'm a big audiophile too. I had one great pair of earphones, but I dropped it in the parking lot and they got ran over, so I had to buy something new, and I bought a pair of noise cancelling Sennheiser and I love them. But for work I just use a cheap $35 pair, they get lost so quickly and they get stuff all over them from work.

Went to the chiropractor today. Apparently I have a muscle imbalance between my left and right side. And not great posture. Took some X-rays and got an adjustment. Good cracks.

My mom referred me to the doctor so I got the initial exam and X-rays for free.

I see the dietician tomorrow hopefully that goes well.

Made turkey tacos for lunch. Going to have pizza for dinner.

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Drank coffee at work.. Did so much work, non-stop from 9am-12pm. I wouldn't be able to do that much work without 3x trinity stims (Dex, nicotine, caffeine).

I came home, got everything out of the way (Shower - Which took literally 2 minutes, shaving, etc).. Refilled med box..

Little sket (Not the alcohol-like rket), and mood is verryyy good. Clear minded, talked to the autist friend. The acid made her depressed. But I comfort depressed people (As I know what it's like).

Now.. to attend to the goals and TODO list.. Although I should relax a bit.. Never usually in a flow state.. During the glutamate rebound yesterday, I was assembling a table for my mom, and fingers hurt from twisting the Alan key etc.. I was like "Why am I constantly a slave.... I could build pyramids all by myself like I might as well..". No one knows how it's like to be a real slave.. But we're all slaves though - To the suffering of life (Especially when you have high dynorphin pain sensitivity in schiz/PTSD brain).

But anyways, afternoon Dexedrine, pregabalin too.. It will be a magical day. I got the fax for all med refills (So no worries).. Probably will watch some corruption news for a bit... (To be more aware, every day.. Of our decaying world economy.. Like 50%+ Americans are living pay check to pay check.. Holy F...).

I had deja vu about my mom coming in the door + A criticism of post above.. I hope it's not real. Maybe I had a dream of this. But this post will cancel it out.

I swallowed a 2.5mg tetrahydrocannabinol gummy. I will see what happens. It could kill my mood - But what I'm hoping for is, no psychosis - But deep, interesting thoughts.. Or at least be a good neuroplasticity realm.

THC, as well as other cannabinoids that contain a phenol group, possess mild antioxidant activity sufficient to protect neurons against oxidative stress, such as that produced by glutamate-induced excitotoxicity.

I highly recommend against with psychosis.

Oh and I will meditate too (For 10 minutes) at 6pm or so.

I wish I could research about more topics.. I'm limited to this one timeline.. I need like 30 timelines. I need to be 30x more efficient.

I ended up having pasta with meatballs for dinner instead of pizza. Pizza tomorrow.

Enjoy the fatty foods before I see the dietician lmao.

Not much else happening with me today. Probably go to the grocery store tomorrow after the dietician.

Oh I went to the walk-in clinic because I was worried my finger was infected but they said it was fine. So it’s all good.

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I had a fear of having to walk some path for eternity - Then walk an infinite amount of more, different paths. And the thing to do.. Is to stand up for myself, and do my own thing.

So that solves the issue. Btw I like paganism (If anyone knows about that) - These people are on a good level.

Things will get better.

Hiya guys. I'm doing research on different moodstabilizers, have any of you tried Neurontin Gabapentin or Topamax? If so, what are the side effects like? I tried Topamax years ago, but all I remember about is is that it left everything tasting like flat, diet soda haha. But anything is better than the side effect I'm no experiencing with Trileptal (if it is caused by Trileptal.)

I've been plagued by emotion..

Phenibut (Beta-Phenyl GABA), I used to take every day, increasing and decreasing from 0mg to 1000mg (By 100mg a day) - It caused ups (Hypomania and ecstasy) and downs (Suicidal apathy), every couple of days. I don't recommend it at all, very addictive for many.

I was given pregabalin (3-isobutyl GABA) by my psychiatrist (For the phenibut use), which stopped the need for phenibut completely (I still take it sometimes cuz it's a good emergency euphoriant), but just 75mg of pregabalin a day, it balances my mood very well (It's a low dose - Since 150mg makes me feel dumb and spacey - but 75mg is all I need). If you were to take pregabalin, know that the withdrawal is AWFUL for people, they can't get off.

Gabapentin is a better option.. Helps with anxiety, mood.. For me, it can cause a type of hypomania that's similar to phenibut, but less clear. People also use gabapentin to get off of phenibut (Cuz it works very similarly to pregabalin), easier to withdraw from. People find that recreational use of gabapentin isn't as good as pregabalin, and some prefer gabapentin (For reference). In the beginning, you'd feel really relaxed and calm, then the therapeutic effects last once you increase the dose. I can't take it because it gives me heart palps (When pregabalin is supposed to be worse for that).

Topamax was given to me (At 200mg) for addiction, and my outpatient psychiatrist took me off of it and he said "This medication can make people lose 20 IQ points when they're on it".

Idk much about other mood stabilizers. I was put on lamotrigine earlier this year, and I felt like I was on bath salts, but it increases feel good chems (Good for depression) and lowers glutamate (Good for mania).

But all I'm saying could be nonsense.

Hey job, I took depakote for a long time and it helped me but we switched to trileptal due to the weight gain from depakote. I took topomax for awhile but don’t remember anything about it

Lithium I took for awhile but my lithium levels went well above 4.3 (I think it was maybe even up to 4.7) and I had severe toxicity that landed me in the ICU for a week with seizures and in kidney failure, had to have dialysis and was unconscious most of the time there , so I won’t touch that again. Though I know it can be great for some people. Too much medical trauma from that for me

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Hi, Job. For me the side effects of gabapentin were dizziness, drowsiness, accident prone, brain fog. The first time I took it I was opening a parcel with a pair of scissors, and the scissors slipped and cut a gash in my thumb that needed but never got stitches. I hate the scar. It's really ugly.

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^^This. Although I'd probably just end up doing 30 nothings

I'm on 100mg Topamax right now and I don't have any side effects, and it actually works as a mood stabilizer. I used to be on Gabapentin and it did absolutely nothing for me in terms of efficiency or side effects.

Just waiting for the sun to come up so I can go for a run, although it's pouring cows and horses out there. Usually waiting for the sun to come up to go for a run is a warning sign for mania for me. I've been up since 3am.

Hello, haven’t posted much the past couple days. I’ve been doing well. I had my doctor take me off Thorazine and went back on trazodone.
So now I’m on trileptal, zoloft, abilify and trazodone. And then Klonopin as needed. The Thorazine was getting too sedating also I wanted to be on just one AP instead of 2 and I felt abilify is the one that really makes the biggest difference for me in terms of mental health so I stayed on that and obviously my other meds as well. I was sleeping like 15 hours when I was on thorazine which is why I kept stopping it and then couldn’t sleep at all off it. But I have actually been able to sleep on trazodone without it over sedating me.

I’m just practicing keyboard today. Spent some time cleaning earlier. Just been chatting with my bf throughout the day. I’m feeling pretty good.

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Saw the dietician today. Interesting perspective. Talking about mindful and intuitive eating. Listening to hunger cues.

She wants me to challenge myself by eating breakfast. If I eat a nice balanced breakfast it’ll leave me less hungry throughout the day. I mean I know all these things but it hold me accountable. She gave me some ideas for breakfasts and snacks and stuff.

All about balance.

She also suggested I eat more fiber like flax seed and chia seeds. So I bought some chia seeds, and these instant chia seed pudding mixes. Going to have one for breakfast tomorrow. I’m going to try to eat a good breakfast.

A little nervous but I can do it. She wants me to track a couple meals randomly to see if they keep me full for a good amount of time so I know if they’re balanced.

Anyway, weekend almost over. I ate a brownie and
I’m drinking wine. Had pizza for dinner.

There are no such things as bad food! Eat good portions.

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Sounds really good and positive I like her.