Roll Call 199

How are you SK? Haven’t seen you around much lately, could just be me because I’ve been kinda distracted lately but it’s good to see you

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I hope you get your medications soon

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I really miss hiking , muddyboots. I used to go occasionally. It was so nice to be out in nature. I wonder if I could find a group that hikes near me. Or just someone to go to the park with even. It’s fun reading your posts about your hikes

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I’m starting to get kind of depressed the past couple days. I don’t know why.

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Negative symptoms of schizophrenia masks every other mental illness I have. So I don't care much about anything else except depression, DPDR and psychosis. Hypomania is definitely okay, and preferred. Especially hyper focus (In rabbit holes and such). That's just me. I don't get anxiety, just a big social filter IRL, quietness (Introvert), being overwhelmed. But all of the bad stuff just crosses the already really low sui threshold =/ So I can't handle much.

When I have achieved something almost, I take a break and say "I'm done for the day - That's all I can handle", and feel accomplished. Such as a book chapter, learning to drive standard car..

Cuz I know that everything is infinite anyways ("Reality may be the sum of all possible realities") - So I have a lot of time and prioritize. I can't help it.

And when people force me to do things (Like being pushed to the limit, even with my intense motivation, during my upbringing - That broke me)? I still break down easily (Because I remember what happened). Because I was manipulated from a young age, as a legit slave, in the middle of no where. I thought working hard pleasing everyone is was a good thing.

Any insights or criticisms would be appreciated. I started with HF autism. I did all the school work, did what everyone said. And now the world is broken anyways - And everything is manipulations - Rules are meaningless. We're just on some rock in space. I really don't care what happens. Love is important, kindness etc. But if anyone harms anyone else (Or follows rules by someone else), then problem exists.

But we all must know that the world doesn't want to change. So perspective, again... I just want people to leave me alone - and to stop feeling such pain. Why do I feel always, so much pain.. Everyone does.. Idk why most people want to live - Good for them, it's like hot volcanic rock, rising from the sea floor. It all will come back down, as it cools. Hot and cold. Good and evil, etc.

But the socios know from birth.. "Wtf is this?", and there's no empathy - But like Yin Yang, that balances the thing, to give us the good times - Just like how too much can cause the bad. Heaven decays. Hell brightens, and whatever physical laws are in alternate realities, those are more twisted - But understood, by the weirdest Gods and entities - Matched by our own subjective consciousnesses.

Love as well - People can love hobbies, interests etc. Attachment to material, metaphysical things. A cup of coffee. Everything is an electromagnet. North, South.

That's why they call it bipolar, either mania or depression.

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What topic are you asking for opinions about? And what do sociopaths know from birth? Sorry but I'm having trouble understanding.

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Rules! Angelique! lol.. They hate rules... And people with autism love rules..

Soz I'm just venting - But thanks

Hopefully I will get back to normal eventually

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I know people want to be safe.. All my nonsense aside, no worries - All of you are safe with me. Protected by my magic ^-

I took a 3mg Invega pill. I feel the "psychosis" (Or what ever the hell that is - Dismantled stress?), melting into my brain like burnt plastic.

Night time very alone feelings

I just want to have fun sometimes. I'm with my dad and all.. I still feel like I need some type of experiences, that it's okay to forget the world.

Not parties and mindless stuff or anything, but some type of.. Like being blasted through some space, ending up... In a magical situation..

I want to tell my dad what I saw. I want the confidence to do that too.

I once walked onto the highway and looked at passing traffic. I wanted to just get a bottle of liquor and drink there all night. I know all of this seems stupid and kind of sad, but it's just a fantasy I remember.

I'll be okay.

You heard about Flow states? Apparently it's like when you're so focused and engrossed in an activity that you lose self-consciousness of what you're doing. I don't think I'll ever get there, but maybe I will someday with guitar or writing or something.

Also, my pdoc raised my Latuda to 80 mg! Good. I was starting to feel paranoid.

Haven't died yet, must be working

Decided to give my feet a rest and do a HIIT workout today instead of hiking or running. I've got a nice big blood blister on my toe amongst other torn up bits, blisters, and calluses. I just got new running shoes so my feet shouldn't get so torn up from now on.

I guess my new sleeping pattern is 8pm-3am. I'm okay with that. There's something special about pre-dawn hours and seeing the sunrise. There's a perfect spot on top a hill nearby under some powerlines where in the summer I can perfectly see the sunrise and it's so beautiful (minus the powerlines). I can see the highway from there too and it's fun to watch the occasional car go by.

Anybody have any tips on how to live alone? I am finding it quite isolating.

Usually happens right after mania….

Get a pet…..

Maybe it wasn't psychosis - But I like the Invega. What does that mean? Just cuz it's a tranquilizer?

When I listen to music in the morning, it's not the same. The magic is gone.

I need some type of med that makes it like how I feel right before I go to bed. It's probably a serotonergic med - But I can't take those cuz my heart is too sensitive to them.

I don't want to take psychedelics much anymore - Cuz my neuroplasticity is pretty skewed already + they also give me heart palps.

The nighttime heart palps have been gone for a few months now though.

Are there any libraries near you? I find even spending time around people even if I’m not interacting with them helps too. Just like reading or browsing books in a library around other people. Libraries have a lot of events and stuff for people to go to as well.

Do you play games by any chance? Like videogames? A lot of them have multiplayer where you can chat with people over like a headset while playing and it can be fun.

I’ve been less lonely since being in a relationship. We call each-other everyday and are in contact throughout the day either over phone call or text and video chat a lot on weekends too. So even though we live in different states currently it feels a lot less lonely than it used to

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I made the cookie bars, they came out pretty well

I keep thinking about sui

I’m not gonna do anything it’s just the urge, like I tried cheering myself up today by baking and it helped temporarily but now I just wish I was dead and I have no future

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Hugs bluebird….I hate that feeling….it tends to come from nowhere for me.

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