Roll Call 199

I'm also worried I'll get kicked out of my apartment. There's no reason to believe that but it's a constant worry for me

Hugs BB.

I smoked a specific strain, bathed in the sun outside (Before the clouds and smoke came rolling in), very relaxing.

Imagine how I am - Relaxing mental states are possible (With whichever med, environmental situation, change in habits etc). We must not give up.

It's all perspective - And sometimes, with trauma? You just have to try and figure it out.. then once you understand, you have new insight. Don't be too hard on self. We all do what we can.. We are bullets shot by a drunken God.

Hold on, I have quotes;

"A Google hog pile can be confusing, but in this instance it is spot on. The opposite of fear is acceptance, which leads to curiosity, which leads to a sense of understanding, which leads to feelings of safety, trust, and finally, love."

"Buddhism sees the physical plane as dualistic and impermanent. From this perspective, there is male and female, north and south, etc. As we transcend physical reality we see it is clear that the physical plane is simply a manifestation of the one unchanging truth. It appears to fluctuate but is really in constant union with the source. Meditation is the path to this truth."

And with dissociation.. , the more you're in it, it is difficult. The brain needs to relax. I'd take a clonazepam if I were you, give your mind a break (When in these states).

Thank you Desoxyn

I did end up taking a klonopin. And I played a videogame for an hour and that seemed to help relax me, I don’t feel as on edge, my brain just kind of implodes sometimes I guess lol

I need to meditate more. And start exercising again. And get sunlight. All those things are helpful

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The world has gone mad and is compatible with manic-depression and psychosis. Eventually it'll be compatible with ADHD.

In the dark corners of the alleyway, a woman - Drunk and high on multiple Chinese fentalogues, stumbles and dissociates - On her way to... Yknow.

And so, .. Any possible reality I can imagine - How it is.. Drinking hot soup on a cold, rainy day, talking with loved ones, watching the storm, talking about work etc..

What's it all, really. Do I want to be energetic, figure out the deepest realities behind the curtain of every day consciousness.. Or be calm, look inward, finding divinity in that way..

I'm not sure. Maybe it has to be both, to just live.. I'd write about it all, ketamine myself into a God, creating my own realities.. I want to see it all TBH. But of course, there's immense horrors and disturbing things... Idk if I will be able to handle it - No one can.. I'm a good person..

Defeat evil, that's what good people do.. That's what.. But it's important to learn, experience, observe, and play... Feelings of euphoria? Genius? Love? All things.. everything.. I've felt the most negative and disturbing emotions already.

What I have to say, is.. the truth. The truth sets you free - But do I really care, being an idealist? It's a mixed up thing... I'll figure it out.. All religions are true yknow, all one God, within ourselves and every divine particle or simulated pixel - 1's and 0's, hyper calculated through electrical wires, sent through the depths of outer space.. Communication signals. Some drunk entity will read this in many centuries, and think "This person, I will astral project into - And end this post with one word..

Enjoy".

I spent $6000 for 3 months on an upcoming airbnb but I'm so deathly tired of cheap filthy airbnb's in horrible neighborhoods ran by messed up hosts. I just have to make money in the next 4 months or I'm forced to be homeless.

Trying to fill up my time with fun experiences instead of just sitting around drinking alcohol.

I had that free concert last Friday. I’m going to see the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie this weekend with my sister.

Don’t have anything coming up next week or so but I just impulsively bought two tickets for a Canadian football game beginning of June. Going to make my sister come with me.

Also I roped my sister into coming with me at the end of June for a football (soccer) match.

I’m taking a week vacation near the end of June as well and getting a massage.

So in between all this I’ll find other things to do and go to the gym a lot. It’s getting nice outside and I’m not afraid to be in public anymore because of COVID so I’m going to put myself out there.

I mean things costs money, sure, and I should be saving but it’s either spend it on fun things or be sad and spend it on alcohol. My doctor thinks that getting out of the house will be good for my mental health because I’m working from home four days a week.

So I’m getting out and doing things. It’ll be fun.

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Yeah seeing the new Marvel movie on Saturday. I have a chiropractor appointment Saturday morning and then going to the movie. Going to get the dogs’ nails trimmed on Sunday.

Going to try to go to the gym today, and then hopefully a bunch of times the next week. Going to get back into a good rhythm.

Not going to buy alcohol.

Going to find things to do for the next couple weeks. I’m considering buying more tickets for another football/soccer match. Idk I want something to do haha.

I’m watching to see if I’m hypomanic. I slept like six hours last night. I usually sleep more. And I impulsively bought those tickets last night.

I’ll keep an eye on it. I hope everything is okay. I feel good. Optimistic.

Going to see a movie, appointments, football, pride, probably zoo in there, massage, football/soccer. And gym. Lots of gym.

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I went for a well needed walk this morning. Woke up this morning with way too much anxiety and uneasy feeling. So I'll probably go for another walk later today.

At least I'm eating healthy now and taking vitamins and omega 3 supplements. Not sure how much the vitamins will help or is it just wasted.

Another day working on being a web designer and content creator. Life's still boring. Wish I had at least one friend in real life. I'm looking forward to moving out of this airbnb hellpit and moving to a beach airbnb in an area I grew up. Life should get a lot better then.

Just got back from the dentist

So they ended up not needing to do the filling when they re-read the X-ray. So instead they worked on repairing my chipped front tooth. So that’s fixed now. Didn’t even have to numb me for it. They drilled some but it wasn’t painful.

Have another appointment in July to get my 7 year old crown replaced then I’m done. That one may take a few appointments though.

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Today is the most mentally stable of days. I'm gonna plan to read books again...

I had such vivid dreams, good sleep. Damn I need a lot of sleep though - But during the day?, nice calm, good mood, focus and wakefulness! All things are coming together....

I should have had the Invega Trinza injection yesterday - But will on Friday. I don't want to take!

I didn't read - Got distracted.. then felt tired. Looked at podcasts.. More podcasts are better than less. So I'll listen outside (Seems warm enough to do that). I feel more awake now.

I'm mindful.. Happy enough.. I wish to live, or feel alive.. It's always waiting, and listening to people argue - All the time.. Meditation would be good..

Idk what to do anymore really. This life is short, but no one knows what's after death.. and.. Eternity is a long time. I want some entity to save me - Possibly God? Will he.. Is it a she? (That's mother earth/nature right?) Idk.. Too many questions, possible answers.. constant.. Doesn't end.

It all never ends. And nothing lasts. Years later, I still talk like I'm tripping.. Life is the trip.. And I wish I could figure it out more - Should .. not be hard on myself and have patience. So much pain, torture - Also possibilities of more of that. We all try.

I just realized I'm not depressed anymore so I can take that off of my About page at MSF. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with that ages ago.

I'm bored, watching youtube videos while waiting for amazon to deliver my kindle so I can start reading books. I don't like readying books on the laptop.

ps maybe there should be What podcast are you listening to.

That’s a good idea about the podcast thread. I listen to a lot of them. Mostly videogame related ones

I hope you get your Kindle soon

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I had a pretty good day. Slept well. Got a small amount of cleaning done. Not much but it’s a start after weeks of procrastinating on it. Dentist appointment went well. Anxiety wasn’t super bad today.

Played a lot of Zelda breath of the Wild today. Zelda: tears of the Kingdom comes out this Friday

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my program manager. Also have to go to CVS to pick up my meds and finish cleaning. Friday I’m going grocery shopping. Saturday I’m not sure what I’m doing. Some combination of exercise, reading, watching stuff and playing video games, ukulele, and keyboard. Sunday I’m going to my friends house and we’re gonna play some dungeons and dragons and various TCGs.

I’m reading 3 books currently which is getting a little overwhelming. So I’m gonna cut it back and just focus on one at a time.

I’m learning the song Zombie by the Cranberries on ukulele.

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I have one beer left at home. I’ll drink that tonight and then give up alcohol at least for a while. Save some money.

I went out for ribs last night and they were yummy and I didn’t drink. I polished off the rest of the grand marnier last night though. Wasn’t much left. My sister has some salted caramel cream liquor but I’m not touching it. Otherwise that’s all that’s left in the house.

I went to the gym yesterday after work and did abs and shoulders. Going to go again after work. Not sure what I’ll do. Maybe legs. Idk.

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I got my kindle reader last night and read the first chapter. Going for the morning walk now.

Downstairs neghboor set his carpet on fire, so the fire department came and we had to wait outside while they took care of it. I don't understand how he hasn't gotten kicked out yet with his drug use which isn't allowed here (crack) and him bringing prostitutes all the time

Also a guy who lives here who has schizophrenia and is also on drugs started cussing me out completely randomly today. I was walking out the door and he just started going off. I don't ever interact with him or even know him well. All I know about him is that he lives here. I know it's not really his fault but it's still upsetting

Random question Is a battery case (like a case you put on your phone that charges it while acting as a case too) worth it? I have an old iPhone 8 Plus and the battery is so depleted but I can’t afford a new phone right now or any time soon. I just need a way to keep it from dying so frequently.

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Here it is