Roll Call 199

Sorry I keep posting so much. I'll stay quiet now.. Everything is just haunting. Nothing good came out of my life because my memory is so bad - At least I could have good memories, but I don't.

But it's all okay. I don't know why I'm like this (So down on myself, even with a good mood). I hate myself really. I do love myself as well. I'm not really a person - But a series of energies.

I have to meditate properly, and simplify who I am and all - What's real about me in relation to the world, reality, others etc - And the spirit, truth. I'm trying really hard (And it's no ones fault that I struggle but my own - Cuz it's about my reactions to things).

I see my mom argue with our neighbour - He would go to her work (Telling her to move her car).. He'd knock on the door (While my mom was in the bath) saying "Tell her when she gets out that she needs to move her car", and he parks 50% in our spot. He's a nutjob. He was yelling at me - So did my mom, then threatened him with a lawyer. Then she accidentally scratched his ****** car (While she was trying to park, with his car too close to our parking spot), and she has to pay him 1600 dollars.

I put chewed nicotine gum on the roof of his car. I'm going to keep doing that until he says something, and I'm going to say that it wasn't me.

I have to be zen really, and not react to things. But my parents work like slaves and they are old, so stressed. They won't live long, both had cancer. I can't not want to do something. Anyways, all of this doesn't matter much.

I hope SlumberKitty is okay, haven’t seen her around lately

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It’s been 37 hours without caffeine and I woke up today with the worst headache. I hope it goes away soon

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Caffeine withdrawal is so tough. I hope it gets better for you.

Woke up with a lot anxiety so I'm going for an early walk today. We have a 11 day heatwave here.

I need to walk or go to the gym today. It's hard to get motivated though. Good for you for doing that though.

Kind of brain-foggy today. Don't really know why.

Just chillin' with some patchouli incense. I have to go for more blood work for my pdoc. Had kind of a rough but very helpful therapy session yesterday. Recovery run and core this morning. Many vulnerabilities so hopefully I can avoid a binge/purge session today.

For me these things I find enjoyable

-Videogames
-playing ukulele and keyboard
-Listening to music, finding new music and creating playlists
-Reading
-Meditating
-Cooking/baking
-Watching shows or movies
-Making Pinterest boards
-Puzzle books
-Board games tabletop games like dungeons and dragons for example or trading card games like Pokémon , digimon, Yugioh, etc
-Learning how to crochet or doing something artistic. Drawing, coloring in a coloring book, painting, etc Any kind of crafts
-Taking pictures/photography
-Journaling

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Awesome list, thank you!

I enjoy painting, photography, going out to parks and preserves gardens zoos etc. those are my top, level two is reading music and documentaries.

Last night while reading my book I remember your question. In the book the Dr says daily rhythms is very important. While in the womb we grow hearing our mothers heart beat. As adults it's very important to have some daily rhythm. That could be the rhythm of foot steps during walks, or while dancing, or music. I love walking everyday. Can't imagine a day without a good walk. The more nature, the better.

I miss painting. Although I'm not a professional, it was still fun. At first it was frustrating, stressful, a lot of anxiety, but over time I found my style and learned to relax and not be a perfectionist.

Cut out most sugar and also caffeine. Been almost 2 days without caffeine and nearly 3 days since cutting wayyy back on sugar. No candy, pastries, ice cream etc. it’s difficult. All I want right now is like a piece of cake or something and a cup of coffee. But I have none of that in the house which is a good thing. It still sucks though. I need the dopamine from the sweets but I am going to continue doing this

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It feels horrible to be me.

I feel exhausted and the work day is only half over. I haven't been eating much lately. Went on two walks so far, 28 minute walk and hope to do a 3rd one tonight. Walking and sleep are the only things I look forward to nowadays.

Wish I knew why I'm feeling so different lately. Today I feel like just hurting something. I have to wonder if it's due to reading a book about trauma and it's also kind of a biography.

I'm not sure what would be worse, feeling this pain or having my arm snapped in half.

I have no idea what to do. It's so bad.

I cried but it doesn't help.

I deserve to die. I finally realize that. Hope is starting to piss me off. Why.

It's ****ing torture.

I better. Nvm.

I went to bed at 3am and woke up at 8am. I wanted to go for a run but I didn't have the energy (At work) to do things as fast. I took afternoon Dexedrine, and can't sleep until night.

I can't decide things for myself.

I'm NOT REAL. Nothings is. That's my truth, and when I feel like I am, remember this. This is the REAL truth?

I'm stupid now for real.

I feel that I’m weak. I said I wasn’t going to drink but I gave in and am drinking wine.

I need to stop. Every day is day one apparently.

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I took a benzo. My mom says I'm too deep thinking and philosophical.

I have so much to say, and I just want to keep talking to people - But a few sentences aren't enough - So I don't talk. I give up.

And when I do talk, it's not socially acceptable or normal. Only my family knows me and can talk about those things. I do the same to strangers (Cuz I don't care), and have good experiences...

I just can't do things. I can't do one thing. I have fear of missing out, and preparing for danger, etc.. all of the things I don't know enough about, why.. existence.. I'm alive, and continue, take a benzo, and a different person.

It is likely to make me feel better when it kicks in - But right now, I'm like "That person (In the future) is me - So why would I want to feel better?" - Cuz I'm **** at goals.. Everything is the same to me. It's nihilism.. I'm empathetic, but just not real myself. My pain is real.. It's necessary for survival - But not like what I went through (Not saying anyone didn't have the same suffering), and some goal... what... The dreams, I have to look deeper into myself and such - But there's too many things on the list. It's overwhelming. I'm grateful that I finally started to participate in growth, but it's all the same still.

Feeling like everything is the same is a normal thing. The self medicating made me so much more normal yet I don't want change. I'm sick of everything too. But everyone feels that way.

We're all just patterns, forming conscious entities and interacting with each other. Anyone can do anything, it doesn't matter - But so much significance, it does - Cuz there's pain, pleasure, etc.

I'll stop talking. Sorry. I'm being so stupid.

Edit: If I am to take what Angelique said into consideration, with no reply, and the anhedonia I've dealt with, what s the meaning. It's perspective. She is in a bad place. Older than me, knows more, lived life. Had mental illness too.

And SP, liking everyones posts and not mine. When I go outside in nature, i feel better sometimes - But it's not where I want to be, and mentioning of the type of happiness (I forget the word "Eudaimonia" - It's complicated to me at first, so I procrastinated) - But its... on a list. The list of everything is too long - And aren't in my awareness. I hope it's not an attempt to kill myself. Like how people hate addicts and they deserve to die.

Happiness is hard, and people are in poverty etc, they are often happy... what is soil or dirt compared to technology , if everythign is all the same im just typing lazily now cuz i can't deal with the bla bal victim me and obsession if only i could donate to a good cause but must prepare or plan for the right moment of money and money isnt real it controls everything bleeding all. of resources what if we were sea corals ........ And a Queen of the sea, people living in a sea world, underwater... people make songs like this _ and I can do anything i set my mind to but i keep changing my mind. ANd itns not enough.

All my moms friends wanted was sex. It's manipulation. Why aren't people genuine and deceitful and judge and cause the destruction and selfishness. That's why religions have some answers but I was atheist and knew I'd eventually find some type of spirituality..... But it's all good and bad.

Life lifeeee - Yknow what matters more than success and failure, the quote... attitude towards life is above all. But I just want to understand if people are out to get me without proof and I know 10% of people will hate anyone no matter what they do - And I'm okay with that but the name "Sometimes Psychotic" every time, constant disappointment of me just trying to be myself and explain to people, help people but I'm just a mess. A ****ing mess. But I'm okay, I don't enjoy skiing as much as I should. Maybe it's cuz I'm autistic and asexual.

I'm gaining weight too cuz of the meds. I don't like the look of myself. And the old man manipulated me in the psych ward too and creepy why would someone do that is all the big bang an orgasm or since everything is connected, it layers in folds and lines to hyper infinite welding and unification with objects becoming one and forming all one... he said he was a chrisitan but that woman that said hes not a good one, she kept using my phone and saying that i would work with a gun to protect her - that old man stole guns and ammunition i was afraid but im not a woman i shoulnd't be harassed like that and looked for validation from stranger on camera , did lines and miserable life my ex step dad judged me and knew - he was a genius but huffed paint fumes all day every day painting cars and never used a mask. I remember the break cleaner, he stole things from our work and used cans and cans of "chloryl - ammonium" or what ever chemical i didn't care either why cuz he was a narcissist and i just needed someone to guide me and treat me like I was a person and not some object of worthlessness.

My dad said, mental hospital or on the streets of vancouver. It was obviously a joke

Anyway the benzo helped. I think it's kickin in. I'm sorry.. I'm a tortured, evil.. waste like nuclear sludge, causing burns to humans that want everything that I have, all good stuff.. and yet no matter how much I try to appreciate - Like the mountains when I moved here, it was so sad cuz of the anhedonia. The school when I moved to canada seemed like it didnt matter. My cognition wasn't normal. and I was judge for sleeping everywhere on antipsychotics but at least i made the people on the bus to school laugh so hard with my silliness.