Roll Call 199

Even if I don’t get it I’m very proud of myself for going on my very first job interview

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Plus I’m doing great with my weekly volunteer job.

If I don’t get this job, and if I don’t get any of the others I applied to. Then I can work on volunteering more at like the place near here doing kitchen assistant prep meal shifts as much as possible so I can build up my social skills and ability to handle fast paced environments and stress

It might also provide me with more connections in the community. A lot of people get their jobs through connections

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Most of my jobs were through connections =]

Today was good.. I woke up, feeling real apathetic - It's okay except my mom didn't give me time to wake up. I didn't know we could be going skiing today, and I slept like 16 hours.. just sleeping and sleeping... Unconscious for millions of years.. But we'll go skiing tomorrow (Maybe for the last time this year - But we'll meet a skiing friend there.. I like talking to him, possibly autist).

Today we climbed up that hill/small hike, I wasn't out of breath AT ALL... good sign for the start of the year.. Then we made a fire and talked for a bit (My mom and her friend drank wine, and I didn't feel like drinking alcohol.. well, I don't anymore... I don't like alcohol.. Bad drug for me ^- )

My mom will make elk burgers and red cabbage with juniper berries that we picked on the hike (They're used to make gin).

I picked up the clonazepam.. There were 3x more refills, so surprised about that, but 0x refills left for Vyvanse etc.. Makes me a little worried (That I was a little disorganized in speech - When talking to the psychiatrist), but I'll sort it out tomorrow... And try to get a fax in for the refills...

Well yeah I’m kind of crashing down from the high I was in for a month. Like the reality of all my overspending is blowing up in my face and my overly ambitious plans are seeming kind of grandiose now looking back (not about the jobs, about other things I haven’t posted about here). If If I don’t get that job I’m gonna feel really discouraged because me and my bf were making plans to visit again and I don’t want to be the only one unable to contribute due to not having a job. I do have an income but as I said I overspent insanely over the past several months and I need to put a stop to it. So I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue my relationship. I’d feel guilty if I was the one without a job and not able to contribute to our mutual savings for trips to see each other. I don’t want to end the relationship though. It’s really special and we care about each-other a lot. But I don’t want to be a burden.

Idk I really ****ed up with the spending these past several months. Like blew through my money at warp speed.

Well, at least I have my volunteer job. If I don’t get this Burger King job I can still keep doing my petsmart volunteer job. That will keep giving me meaning and make me feel good. I just need to be ultra careful with my finances I’d say for a good year until I rebuild my savings

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My sister called me out on some stuff today. It was hard to hear. And it’s even harder to admit I’ve been wrong and not acting in my best interest in some ways, I don’t like admitting I’m wrong. I get defensive

Taking my meds now and trying to get back on track

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

We must look inward!.. And cure our mental pain =/

Seeing my pdoc today and my therapist. I haven't been feeling so well. SI. Maybe a med change is in order. Plus I want a different sleep med. I hope he gives me that one.

my T sent me a reminder message about today's session. I told her to bring her A game. She said she would do her best. I was trying to be funny and I put a smiley face next to it but now I am worried she won't think it is funny.

I'm really sick of this lockdown. I want my vape, or cigarettes. Sick of waiting. If I indulge my smoking urges I might go back to them. But it's such hell here.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

A relative of mine once again said I was lucky to have been sent here and they might still send me to prison. I don't know what they think I did. I'm wondering whether they would have sent me to a state hospital instead. This has been eating at me for at least three weeks now I think. It has me upset because I don't know how close I got to being sent to prison. And what for. I haven't been in contact with this relative since then. I don't know why this upsets me so much considering all the crap I've been through. Does my relative know something I don't? Did they call around to the places I've been and told stuff about me I'm unaware of? I just don't know.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

Saw my other doctor today follow up about my sarcoidosis. He says I don’t seem to have any swollen lymph nodes in my neck or under my arms so that’s good. Do a follow up CT scan in August/September and then see the doctor again in October. Hopefully it’s all clear and the sarcoidosis is all gone.

It was why I had that swelling and lump on my lymph node in my neck last year. They were worried it was lymphoma but it was sarcoidosis. It was also in my chest and under my arms. Little nodules.

But hey, it’s all good.

The doctor said I’ve been through a lot in the last year so hopefully it’ll all be good going forward.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I would wish away all of your sufferings

I took the bandage off my finger and it’s way worse than what we thought so I had to go to the ER. The walk-in was closed so I gotta wait for the ER. Hopefully they can give me stitches. Otherwise they’ll just bandage it.

Like the skin on the tip of my finger is barely holding on lmao. Doesn’t really hurt though.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Four hours in the ER later they couldn’t stitch the whole flap of skin but they put in two stitches to secure it. Have to wear a bandage for quite a while and have to get my stitches out in seven days or so.

Fun times. It’s almost 1130pm and I’ve decided I’m not going to work tomorrow. I should go to bed though.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’m assuming I didn’t get the job. They said I’d hear back by sometime Thursday if I got it. I know it’s only 1am Thursday now but I feel they would have gotten back to me if immediately sometime yesterday if I got the job. Haven’t heard anything back or got any interviews set up from the other 9 applications I put in, which is depressing.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I feel like a failure, I have no place in the world. I want to give up

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I want to isolate from everyone in my life and just live like that with no connections. Or disappear
My future looks pretty bleak right now.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

McDonald’s scheduled an interview with me for May 11th. Idk whether to go to it or not. Idk what the point is if I couldn’t get a job at Burger King what are the chances I’d get a job at McDonald’s.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sorry Angelique that is scary to not know what happened

Do you have any hobbies? I know they don’t solve the situation you’re in but they may help ease your worries temporarily at least and provide a bit of fun. Like maybe watching a show, a movie, reading, coloring, journaling, word puzzle books. Just little things that might provide some lighthearted fun, a break. I hope those aren’t bad suggestions. I just wish I help in some way , there’s nothing worse than being in a bad situation or living environment that you’re stuck in, if you I ever need to talk let me know I’m always here for you

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That sounds painful, I hope it heals soon!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk