Roll Call 199

Desoxyn · 06:38 PM

You'll also eventually pity me once you get sick of me. New people always seem to not.

It's like all my words always just fall, become meaningless. On whats supposed to be a support forum.

So I either have to trust myself (Which I do), but maybe other people know me more, and what's right, what's better for me... Just making OCD thoughts go mad. Everyone does this to me. BPD-type thing. And then my mind erases.

I don't care if I torture myself.

And to the rest, I'm stubborn as ****. I won't stop until I understand or get feedback and not the innocent opposite of what you feel about me. Be honest and stop hiding. I'm trying my best. It's like talking to a wall - It's always been that way. So when there's actual people? It's rhetorical, cuz I'm afraid of rejection.

But anyways, this place is terrible for me.

Desoxyn · Apr 16, 2023, 06:44 PM

And everyone just waits for others to respond too, and refreshes the page. Idk wtf that means. I'll be back tomorrow. Until then, think about how I was feeling compared to now. This place doesn't help me personally at all.

I'm not the same as you guys. And if you'd like to explain why, let me know. I'd love to know. Maybe I'm just a ****** person. But I know I'm not.

I don't understand. Help me understand for once. If you're reading this and not responding (When you have something to say), you're evil as ****.

Desoxyn · Apr 16, 2023, 06:54 PM

And maybe it's some glass wall - Where I turn it around, see myself from 3rd person, and it's disturbing as all hell. That's reality, some weird.. formation of things that interact like pool tubes or spaghetti being thrown around.

Wtf am I supposed to do with this stuff? Did I ask for it? I could go search all of the random topics that I can't organize for the life of me, ask ChatGPT or a therapist a bunch of questions, talk for hours, procrastinate things for hours and regret it all like my severely regretted past that I always talk about.

I try not to talk about it, be positive - But maybe the positivity seems fake.

Am I being helpful enough? That's what I'm starting with.

Desoxyn · Apr 16, 2023, 07:00 PM

How do I not know anything and people are on the streets, protesting about nonsense - And all of the people that someone with schizophrenia is paranoid about? It's a metaphor of protection in a society where most people don't know that there's evil people pulling the strings, and that bleeds into all of our lives. And it's often caused by stress of THAT or trauma, lodging itself in the mind regardless of the universal stress of this BS society.

And people are like "The man is keeping me down", and have to overcome etc.. But how does someone reorientate themselves, to manifest it on mass scale.. to change something... And everyone's realities are different....

Love is what I'm talking about, the lack of it. Sure, my mom regrets so much and tries to make up for it - And I don't know exactly how to forgive when I've been tortured for so long.

And who cares.. Everyone knows that it wasn't as bad as most people because i made a complete joke out of the thing. It's a ****ing sick joke. And yeah, you hear people in this mental state - You know how they are, they're like this - And nothing you can do about it. Even myself, I'm just like "Why is this person so negative.. something must have happened - But I don't want to be around anyone like that". And when there's pity, and being as aware etc, it hurts. You can't get away with that **** without me defending myself, for what ever I'm worth at this point.

Desoxyn · Apr 16, 2023, 07:14 PM

cogladaid · Apr 16, 2023, 07:30 PM

Desoxyn I care about you a lot. You’re a good person. I don’t know what to say most of the time but I always read and give hugs.

Life doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t. And I’m tired to trying to figure it out. I just try to do what makes me happy.

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Desoxyn · Apr 16, 2023, 08:00 PM

Sorry... I talked with people, and I just need to relax.

You don't need to make another thread admin... Just leave it like this, it's fine.

Hugs to all.. lol

Angelique67 · Apr 16, 2023, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I took both my Thorazine and trazodone along with my mood stabilizer tonight so I’m hoping those help. I haven’t been this unstable in a long time as far as just not sleeping and never slowing down

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I hope you slept!

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Angelique67 · Apr 16, 2023, 08:46 PM

I have a weird medical issue that I'm finally calming down about. Hopefully it will clear up on its own.

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Job 30 26 · Apr 16, 2023, 09:27 PM

Desoxyn, I appreciate you a hell of a lot, man. You taught me the safety valve to that thing we've done/do. And you talked me out of my head, an I'll always appreciate you for those things, and all your perspectives, and your ambitious deep dives research you do! haha we're all unique people with something to share if we each share our weirdness. = )

Desoxyn · Apr 17, 2023, 12:42 AM

This gets worse for me over time - Although also somewhat better? (If that makes sense).

-Astral- · Apr 17, 2023, 04:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

This gets worse for me over time - Although also somewhat better? (If that makes sense).

That is me all the time, I can't stick one at all. i have written out so many I bin then few days later or forget about them and find them Months later.

-Astral- · Apr 17, 2023, 04:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

The dissociation is the enemy, not you! You can do anything you set your mind to.. remember, the Eminem song...

i been in this kinda minset for a few weeks now , I am going to the gym workout fighting

Possible trigger:

an eating disorder (Anorexia )

focused more on getting well

Blue_Bird · Apr 17, 2023, 05:01 AM

I slept for 15 hours from Saturday night till yesterday (Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon) so that’s good. I also slept last night and woke up when my alarm went off today at 5am. I set my alarm last night on my phone and set my phone across the room. That’s the only way to guarantee I don’t turn it off in my sleep and fall back asleep

So I’m sleeping and got my sleep schedule back on track. I don’t have much going on today. Have to go to the store to buy food then to the pharmacy, and clean my apartment but that’s about it

Tomorrow morning I’m going to petsmart for my volunteer job shift then afterward I’ll take the bus home and eat lunch, put on a nicer outfit then head out to my job interview at Burger King. Not super nervous. Feel prepared for the interview but not overly prepared if that makes sense. I hope they hire me.

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Blue_Bird · Apr 17, 2023, 05:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Job 30 26

I went to the emergency room and they did a urine test and blood work and everything is supposedly fine except dehydration and really low salt. It's like I experience delirium or something like that for short periods of time though. The migraines have stopped, no trace of them left, so phew, that was the major concern. Doc said I low on elektrolytes, so I've stopped drinking soda all together, and have switched to Gatorade, and water with those tiny elektrolytes packets, and iced tea. That did the trick, it was that easy to solve. Haha. They said I didn't have you UTI, no liver or kidney issues either. So I'll wait this out, hopefully they disappear now that I've stopped drinking on the weekends, and stopped my soda intake. Honestly, I needed to change my liquid intake, especially drinking a 12 pack every weekend, that's inviting trouble. Plus, I can still do the other thing I do once a week. So all's very, very well.

Also, I'm on a new drug for my PTSD, it's Prazosin, a blood pressure medication that is an alpha blocker. This weekend I started taking it. Man, I'm going into rem sleep again, having really interesting dreams, mostly sad, but it is what it is. But even better, I sleep extremely well now, and wake up cool as a cucumber, like my vagus nerve is stimulated. Just completely relaxed. I love this drug.

I think, because of this drug, I might try to get off Remeron and Doxepin, and if I get off those, I can get off Trileptal, and so all I'll need to take is Geodon and Prazosin, and I'll go back to my healthy weight again, that will be that. For the first time in my life, if I wake up late at night, or in the morning, I can fall back asleep. I'm going to take everything as directed for now, but when I see my pdoc, we're going to have an interesting discussion on my new possibility. =)

Yeah the first thing that came to mind when I read the low salt thing was the trileptal, I’m on it too and I know that can be an issue with it. I hope your symptoms go away

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Blue_Bird · Apr 17, 2023, 05:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I have a weird medical issue that I'm finally calming down about. Hopefully it will clear up on its own.

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Have you told the staff where you are? You shouldn’t have to wait out a medical issue on your own

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Blue_Bird · Apr 17, 2023, 05:11 AM

I practiced keyboard for awhile on Saturday. I managed to learn the first part of jingle bells. I recorded it. I’m trying to practice ukulele and keyboard regularly again. Having a lot of fun with them. Music is great. Have a lot to learn. Going to practice again this afternoon. Trying to put in at least 6 hours of practice a week

Couple more months till I’m back in college. Last couple days of august the fall semester starts.

I got my internet bill lowered from $84 a month down to $19.99 a month. Using a program called the affordable connectivity program , and also the guy I talked to with my internet provider was extremely helpful and helped me get as much savings as possible. So instead of it just being cut down by $30 he got me the most savings possible. He said he worked in banking for a long time so always likes to help people get the best deal possible since things have gotten so expensive.

So that’s definitely super helpful.

Also if things go well with the interview Tuesday I’ll be working part time soon and the extra income will be helpful to put in savings and to put towards a new laptop for college.

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SlumberKitty · Apr 17, 2023, 11:45 AM

Desoxyn, I care about you. I don't always respond to you because your intelligence is on a whole other plane than mine. I mean I have heard of ChatGPT but I have no idea how it works or what it is even supposed to do. So sometimes I don't respond to your posts. But I try to leave hugs or thanks so you know that it was read and appreciated. Try not to take my failure of knowing what to say as meaning that I don't care. I do. I just don't know what to say most of the time. HUGS my friend. Hugs. Kit

SlumberKitty · Apr 17, 2023, 11:45 AM

Glad you got some sleep Blue_Bird and good on you about getting the internet bill lowered.

Angelique67 · Apr 17, 2023, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Have you told the staff where you are? You shouldn’t have to wait out a medical issue on your own

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Yes, I told the nurse last night. She came to see me this morning and she said my (issue) looked better today. I'm really glad you got some sleep! Good luck with the BK interview.

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cogladaid · Apr 17, 2023, 02:19 PM

I think I might just be becoming lactose intolerant lol. TMI. That or my liver is bad again and I can’t process really high fatty foods. But it’s mostly like cream and milk products.

Like I had mac and cheese a couple weeks ago. And I had some dip today.

Idk I’ll mention to the doctor.

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Desoxyn · Apr 17, 2023, 04:26 PM

Trying to decrease stress

SlumberKitty · Apr 17, 2023, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

Trying to decrease stress

Maybe try some meditation or guided imagery or deep breathing?

cogladaid · Apr 17, 2023, 04:42 PM

Thinking about what I’m going to tell my doctor tomorrow. How I’m doing.

I’ll tell him that I had been drinking more but I’m cutting back.

I have to admit I’ve been more depressed than I thought.

Anorexia wise I’m good and eating normally and going to see a dietician next week. I’m also going to mention how I’ve been getting sick from milk again.

I’m concerned about mystery bruises and my hands hurting and feeling stiff sometimes. It hasn’t been too bad lately though. So idk.

Getting test results from lab work. Getting the psychiatrist report.

I think that covers it, really.

Hopefully all goes well.

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cogladaid · Apr 17, 2023, 07:55 PM

I was making mushroom risotto and didn’t have any butter in the fridge so I grabbed some from the freezer. Then tried to cut it with a knife.

Oops, cut my pinky. It’s pretty nasty but not bad enough to need stitches. At least I hope. I got it bandaged good and it’s not soaking through so it should be okay.

I didn’t want to wet the bandage so I got my mom to help me wash my hair.

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