Roll Call 200

I think my annual summer mixed episode is starting. At least it's been delayed this year.

Gonna take a PRN but I'll wait until tonight so I don't spend all day eating sugar and carbs (and inevitably vomiting them up). I hope if I take the extra meds I can stay out of the hospital.

I never want to go back to the hospital….it’s so terrible…

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When I go voluntary it's not so bad because it's a different hospital. I wouldn't mind going back. The state hospital however....

The one I went to was just a hospital affiliated ward but it was super boring for me during mania. No electronics. Crappy food. Bizarre roommates who want to cut themselves open. And the piece de resistance all the puzzles were missing pieces and those pieces were all eyes.

State hospital no way ever.

Waiting on the demon slayer finale to be released. It was already released in Japan earlier today I believe. It comes out 1:45pm EST which is where I am. So a few more hours.

I have to cook today and I don’t feel like it. But I have ground chicken that needs to be cooked today and pasta to make.

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I haven’t been in the hospital since July 2017. I used to end up there a lot, mostly involuntarily and one time in the back of a police car with a MIW (mental inquest warrant) order from a judge. I’m glad I haven’t been in so long. I hope to never go back. Not that they’re not helpful but yeah. I was in one for 28 days straight one time and they were thinking of transferring me into a year long residential one when I was 14, thankful they didn’t. I can’t see myself ever ending up in one again as long as I take my meds and am proactive with my treatment and self care, sleep etc unless something really bizarre and unforeseen happens where my mental health deteriorates severely. Hopefully that doesn’t happen though.

I should mention only one of the places I ended up I’d consider a necessarily “bad” experience. Staff was mean and almost aggressive to everyone there. And we were all kids. But other than that my experience were they were helpful and safe environments

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I've been in the hospital a lot too. Only involuntary 5 times (two times from getting a CD revoked though, probably about to get a third). I've engrained in my head once everyone on my team asks if I need to go to the hospital to say "yes" or I go to the state hospital so that's why I'm IP so much.

Played a few rounds of the yugioh card game with my boyfriend. Drinking a cappuccino now and am trying to get motivated to shower

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Work done for the week! =]

Weed last night, gave me "Musical anhedonia" (Severely - I didn't freak out this time, cuz I knew it'd be over when it wore off). "Hypo-dopaminergic anhedonia" (Is depression, from weed). Musical anhedonia - Wikipedia

"Northeastern University professors investigated whether the correlation between music and the brain can impair "social bonding". They could link similar images of the brain of an autistic person with the images of the brain of a person with musical anhedonia."

I do my training for the animal shelter next Monday! So excited!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic The one I went to was just a hospital affiliated ward but it was super boring for me during mania. No electronics. Crappy food. Bizarre roommates who want to cut themselves open.

I don't ever want to go back to an inpatient psych unit again. The place traumatized me.

I remember two patients who tried to end their lives while I was there. One almost died due to an OD. The other lady was very vocal about it and everybody knew. She tried to do it on hospital property. -- It was traumatizing to the other patients. One doesn't forget stuff like this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic And the piece de resistance all the puzzles were missing pieces and those pieces were all eyes.

I can understand why someone did that. When I went through psychosis pictures of people in magazines, on TV, billboards and my reflection would stare at me. It was penetrating. I felt transparent that my inner being was visible to everyone. My privacy was gone.

I wish there was an AI robot that could analyze my life

Sounds kind of Black Mirror - type tbh lol

Watched the season 3 finale of Demon Slayer with my boyfriend. It was really good.

Practiced ukulele for an hour today. I’m starting to develop light calluses on my left hand from practicing everyday. Making some progress with learning fingerstyle.

Don’t have much going on during the week. Tuesday I have my volunteer shift. Wednesday I’m going to the food pantry. Next Sunday I’m going to church with my friend and then playing some of the Digimon card games and other games together.

I feel pretty good

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The pasta came out good. I pan fried some ground chicken , then tossed it in with some pasta sauce, spices, and some whole wheat pasta. Kind of tastes like deconstructed chicken parm. Chicken parm is better but this is what I had so this is what I made

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So I can’t see pdoc for a couple of weeks….I did go get bloodwork though just to make sure it’s nothing physical.

Have a virtual psychologist appointment in like half an hour with a new psychologist. I mean I was interested in therapy again but now I don’t want to. I wish I could cancel but then there would be a $200 fee. Ugh.

I guess it won’t hurt to just chat for an hour with her.

Aside from that today has been good. Went to the zoo. Went to get fancy burgers. Went and got a smoothie. Watched some TV.

Going to order pizza tonight for dinner. Fried chicken tomorrow. Then Wednesday going to BBQ.

Yeah enjoying my week off so far.

Going to the local fair on Wednesday, and a CFL football game on Thursday. Then a footie match on Sunday. Good times.

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I accidentally took an extra 5mg olanzepine yesterday evening (Instead of 50mg atenolol). Had physically anxious dreams, but a great sleep. I feel great.

I need to exercise. I'm getting so incredibly energetic.

But it is snowing =[

Saw the psychologist. Went good actually. I mean, if anything she can help arm me with good habits for winter. That’s my main focus.

Ordered pizza.

All good.

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I’m applying/taking my permit test in July. I’m 29 and have never driven before. I will work on finding a driving instructor after that

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Anyway, that’s the plan. And I’m going back to college in January. Finally. So trying to get my life on track and accomplish some things.

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Also Mustachio is almost due for a checkup at the vet so I’m gonna have to get that arranged soon. That will take priority over everything else, so that’s what my money is going towards first then I can pay for my permit. Maybelle will be due in a few months after that. It’s gonna be a nightmare trying to get them in their carriers. I’m doing two separate visits with them.

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Got my bloodwork back…everything is normalish. Idk why it’s like I was hoping for something physical instead of mental…I guess because it’s more predictable, this seems so random I’m not depressed or manic….I haven’t bought stuff in a month so I know for sure it’s not mania….unfortunately to me this means I don’t have bipolar.

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