Roll Call 200

It's a depressing day here. I'm starting to think more seriously about getting out of this situation. This place is good for keeping me from delusions and hallucinations but I feel robbed of everything. My life doesn't belong to me. But if I do go home I'll probably get kind of crazy again without anything to interact with. I'm incredibly depressed today.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

I don't like the fact that anything exists.

I'm going to try and see a therapist again. If she wants to push me away again, then forget it. I'll say I tried.

I kind of did already try. But I still exist, with problems.

I'm done with it all. I'm already prepared for death. I'm not gonna die, but maybe in a few years idk.

I miss my dad

My sister is going to visit next month - I forgot.. I guess that's the only thing I'm looking forward to. And it's enough.

My shift went well. They actually gave me some responsibility today, but I still need to learn who gets what meds/what type of food/etc and I still haven't been in isolation. I don't even know half the animals names yet. One of them got adopted out though, and two are pending!

You seem to like dopamine.. lol

Am happy/proud of you (Or anyone) stopping these - Continue!

I'll sleep in 1-2 hours, reset my sleep clock =]

Cuz I woke up at 3pm today. But so far has been a good day.

Sorry Angelique

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Have my volunteer shift today. Just up listening music and doing some laundry, got a couple hours till I have to head out, going to try to finish up the cleaning when I get back from my volunteer shift.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks, Although alcohol is back to day 0. who doesn't like a good hit of dopamine?

Volunteer shift went pretty well. One pair of bonded kittens weren’t allowed out though because they’re on bed rest since one of them hurt her leg. Everyone else came out and played a lot and I spent a lot of time with them. The lady who works at petsmart said the person who was there yesterday didn’t stay long or let the cats out much so she asked me to give them a lot of time out and of course I did. Three of the really small kittens were crazy, they were all over the place lol

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well damn.

I bought a weightlifting belt online. 4XL. Got here and was too big so I exchanged it for a 3XL.

3XL just got here and it’s still too big. So I put in a request to exchange for a 2XL.

Then I thought about it and remeasured my midsection and it seems I’ve lost 2inches around since I first measured.

So I’m losing inches faster than I thought.

I just emailed them to exchange for an XL instead. I’ll lose enough soon to fit into it and hopefully it’ll last me a long time.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I cleaned my bathroom and vacuumed , it’s not much but it’s a start. At least I did something. I’ve been procrastinating on cleaning for weeks

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The dopamine must be released for the right place! Good and evil...

Hugs though..

Ket hypomania! It reduces tolerance to stimulant.

Will go for a hike, with my mom..

I hope things go the right way next few days.. I'm very mindful and such.. But not giving up is NECESSARY...

Getting my septum pierced Thursday

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Did you get your hair done yet?

No I decided to hold off on that because I’ve wanted my septum for a lot longer

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Good hike =] All of my energy is expended..

An hour before the hike, I started moving - Spiritually, learning about geometric shapes that I can moved my arms/hands etc...

I want to be a shaman...

I'm grateful for my life now, but quite alone. My mom has settled down now, but I feel like she's not happy. She's a slave to her boss... Almost 60. And it seems like she has to work until she's dead...

Her cancer didn't show up again, but one day it could. And she has multiple heart conditions. I try not to think about death, and the future of my own family life much.. I used to cry about my parents dying (Before they both had cancer). And now they're much older..

I'd like a change to happen in life, but not like that.. I'm just sitting here, one of the best lives that anyone can possibly have.. I just wish I had friends IRL. We'll be moving to the island one day (Closer to family);

And that's really when my life will begin.. It started in Ireland, then in the prairies (If I moved here at age 15? I would have had hope - But I felt like I was above everything.. In the middle of no where.. I wanted things to have meaning, even for an atheist, I lost hope).

My life, it couldn't have turned out any better.. My mind/mental health is okay now, I'm more aware.. Much much more aware (Cuz I wanted to make up for all that I've lost, and the pain/suffering/trauma that I went through). There have been really good parts.. I just remember (During a party), talking to people.. People like me when I just have a normal conversation, relaxing.. Smoking weed/drinking or something...

And the psych ward.. Holy ****.. That was so messed up, what crazy crazy dream.. I was in a psychedelic afterglow during all those months.. When I got home, my mom prepared my life for me again.. I just a kid though, alone..

The trip helped mainly.. I needed to see that good fabrics of reality.. In catholic school (In Ireland?), I was compressed, made to obey - Would even get in trouble for being innocent.. I was silly, full of life and wonder, curious. The curiosity turned to psychoactive chemicals.. And I shut down from fear. My ex step dad took over - Very easy to manipulate, vulnerable.. from having my family destroyed. In the end.. Trauma, the fighting - My mom would wear a turtle neck to not show bruises.. I did punch my ex step dad in the face. I didn't feel the punch (Cuz of adrenaline).

And it all didn't work, at least before I gave up hope, many times. And the schiz? I don't think it's really that.. Or at least I was just paranoid, from threat - Threat everywhere.. Dopaminergic stimulants, Abilify. I loved those stimulants.. 50 different psychoactive chemicals, in the basement, alone - For years.. Who could have been that honest, wise, heroic person that I needed - It was my dad. But he was away, working. He was also experiencing a crazy life of his own.. I'm not mad.. Just the way my mom reacts to him/got mad, I didn't understand.

And now, enough about me.. The world, I know something about.. And the gender thing (Roles of women/men in society), the decay.. It happens like that - It worked out perfectly, perfectly wrong. We had it good. But now, there's really something to be paranoid about, or to have any mental illness.. The drugs too, funnelling of money to the rich.. It's what it's all about..

And people turn to religion for once, back to hundreds of years ago.. The conspiracies? They're pretty accurate (Not 100%), and people just echo madness.. There's more to all of this.. We're in outer space.. We're circling around a star.. So look at the stars.. And see the infinite dimensions that we are molding with, every second, every pixel/quantum particle..

People just try to figure it out, and need to meditate.. Why do people find that hard to do (Including myself) - We're all just creatures, divine, gathering the nuts, and putting them in a hole for the winter (Death) - Some just **** around.. People want to have fun, or relax.. Cold and hot - The vacuum of space, and friction/radioactive energy, shooting out of all matter that exists..

But what is real.. I am here now, could be God (But I don't accept that - If there's connection/love, then that's not it). If I'm traumatized, in DPDR, sure.. I'm a philosophical, wounded squirrel.

I had my meeting with my program manager today and inspection. Inspection went well. And he said he’d look into the driving permit thing and let me know how much it costs and how to get to the place to take the test then where to go for a driving instruction school around here to learn to actually drive and get experience with it so I can eventually get my actual license. First step is the permit though. And he’s gonna look into job opportunities for me too , like for a peer support job, or something along those lines.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Aaah.. I see psychiatrist next week.. I have to figure out what to say.

He refills multiple controlled meds for months (I don't abuse them).. But my reality HAS changed (For the better IMO). I just have a bad memory.

Super excited about getting my septum pierced tomorrow

I feel pretty good. I went grocery shopping today.

Yesterday afternoon my boyfriend and I played the yugioh card game for a couple hours since he had the day off work. It was fun.

I found the manual for the driving thing for NY on the DMV website and downloaded it so I’m gonna study it then in a few weeks go take the test. The permit is like $70ish.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

All I do is cling to the interdimensions. They will save me..

Had a good day at work. Got my work done. Meeting with my boss for a mid year performance review - says I’m doing great. Had lunch with some people in the office.

I was going to go to the gym but I was tired and a little bit sore. So I went home and got Five Guys for dinner.

But now for the first day in a while I feel guilty about eating fries. I feel I ate too many. Empty fat and carbs. Why did I eat them. Why did I eat so many.

It makes me want to back track on everything. Stop eating so much. Because I’ve been working out so much and so hard (which I do because I enjoy it - not because I want to be thin) I’m constantly hungry. It’s uncomfortable sometimes feeling so hungry but I’ve been good at eating food when I feel hungry.

I’m almost five months out from my anorexia relapse. I feel so uncomfortable now. These thoughts about ‘only eat good food’ or ‘don’t eat so much’. It’s exhausting.

I guess it’s good I see my doctor on Friday and my dietician on Saturday.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Couple hours till I get my new piercing.

Going to the movie theater tomorrow with my friend to see the new Insidious movie

Had a scary nightmare last night. I dreamt that the place I volunteer at decided to get rid of me, cause I wasn’t doing good enough. Just subconscious fears coming out I guess. I was so glad when I woke up and realized it was just a dream. It was so realistic too.

Anyway, got the calendar of events for the building for this month. Gonna try to go to everything.

Gonna start studying the DMV manual today probably. Do that for a couple weeks then in the beginning of August go take my permit test. And hopefully pass

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk