Roll Call 200

I actually saw my peer specialist this morning and I didn't expect her to come so I got someewhat drunk and I was actually able to open up. Way more productive. She stayed for like an hour an a half when normally it's like a 20 minute check in and her giving me some vague advice based on me giving her some vague information.

But yeah, instead of going to food, alcohol, razors, sex with whoever, I'm going to practice sitting with my emotions. I used to hate when therapists told me to do that. It felt like they were telling me to wallow in self-pity. But no, it's just tolerating discomfort without harming yourself.

Just finished up my volunteer shift working with the cats. So yeah the little kittens kept messing up their area in their cage every time I put them back in it. Kicking litter everywhere, dumping water over. I can’t really control what they do after I leave, I did my best. If their cages are messy when the next shift comes in that’s not really my fault. I can only remake them so many times till it becomes pointless. The cages are really messy when I come in for my shift Tuesday mornings so I’m sure they’re used to it and hopefully there won’t be an issue.

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I need to learn to do that, I hate sitting with my emotions. I always end up being impulsive to get rid of them temporarily

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I feel like crying. I don’t know if I’m just worn out or what. I force myself to get up at 5am everyday. I don’t even know why. I just feel like I’m more productive when I do that. But I’m exhausted. I technically need more like 10 hours of sleep every night but I’m only getting 5-6 every night. Because I force myself to get up exactly at 5am everyday. I also over schedule my to do lists everyday obsessively to where every hour of every single day is planned out. I’m kind of starting to get stressed from it. I alternate between wanting to cry and wanting to punch myself.

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Well, yesterday I thought ‘I’ll have a margarita.’ That turned into drinking like 1/2 a bottle of tequila, and throwing up twice.

My mom and sister gave me a lecture this morning. I have to keep good. Alcohol is no good for me. It’s a waste. It makes me sick. I hate being sick and hungover. And it’s expensive too.

I need to keep myself busy. Go to the gym all the time. Get back to crocheting.

I bought a new laptop from Costco today. Been downloading games on Steam to play. Get back into gaming.

Between all that and regular fun activities I won’t have money to drink.

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Cogladaid let me know if you want any game recommendations, I play a lot of games on Xbox, Nintendo Switch and Steam Gaming is fun and a good way to relieve stress

Also do you have any laptop recommendations? Sorry for the random question, I'm gonna need to get a replacement within the next year and am trying to find something that runs games well too

I'm debating between getting my laptops battery replaced and getting a entire new one. not sure.

This is the one I got:

Acer Nitro 5 AN515-58-78CT Gaming Laptop, i7-12700H | Costco

I mean not cheap but I know with gaming computers they’re a little more expensive than a regular laptop.

Look for a high quality graphic card, lots of memory, and lots of storage.

Not too sure what other options there are around but this is what I went with.

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I’ll message you my steam profile name and then we can be friends on steam!

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Thanks! it will be awhile before I can get something like that. So in the meantime I'll get my current laptops battery replaced. And just save for some time.

This is the laptop I currently have

Amazon.com

So I just looked it up, a local computer repair place does battery replacements for all makes and models of laptops, and also does RAM upgrades, so I messaged them asking for a quote on both of those and am gonna do that instead of buying a brand new laptop because it would be a lot more cost effective to replace the battery on this and get it upgraded since it's only a couple years old

Going to the food pantry tomorrow morning, need food to get me through the end of the month. Been difficult to make it through the month with the Foodstamps being cut down by almost $200. So now I get $194 a month for food. When I was getting $285 a month previously with an additional $95 at the end of every month.

So it’s difficult because food is so expensive.

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I can’t imagine..l spend at least 400 a month on groceries now.

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Thank you, my sister claims her and my niece and her husband (when he was alive, he died like a year ago) anyway she claimed all three of them could get through a month on $194 for food and that I should be able to. When I told her I was having trouble making it through the month.

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Funny thing is she definitely spends a lot more money than I do (she isn’t on SSI and Foodstamps like I am)

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I just remembered, if you have Medicaid, you should check to see you're still on it. A relative told me to check in April, but living here, they do that anyway every month I guess. If they're lowering your benefits, best to check they didn't kick you off Medicaid.

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I still have Medicaid, the benefits were only lowered due to living where I live, not because I got kicked off anything

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Maybelle is being so snuggly today. She got on me and laid on my chest while I was in a video chat watching some anime with my boyfriend tonight lol

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I missed going to the food pantry cause I overslept today. I can go on Friday though, that’s the next day they’re open.

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Nevermind, they are open Thursdays too, so I’ll go tomorrow instead , that works out better

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Lol sorry.. Just the pregabalin.. and benzo..

Do I have to be smart? I don't want help anymore! I don't want people to care about meee... I want to be.. just like machines (Eventually), conscious beings, becoming objects and traveling through dimensions that I can't even comprehend - Gore, explosions, melting, pain, sickness. Of course, there will be beautify, wonder, joy, amazement.. But I feel like I can't get to truth (As no one else sees it) - It doesn't matter anyways..

Yes, the fast food, poor migrant mother in Detroit. I get obese like everyone else. It happens.

My mind is processing. But I will prove you all wrong.. about how sane I will be.. (No jk - I know you're all innocent, and have been through hell..)

We don't want more hell - But some people enjoy it. There's deep horrors. Jordan Peterson (For example), examined the most horrific things, for 30 years.

And the podcasts, constantly... just listening to people talk - My mind gathers like nodes or 1's and 0's in a computer;

"Compute, compute, eerrrzeeeherrrreeerrreeeee"

I feel better nvm

I went to the food pantry. Got some good stuff. Plus got a 16lb bag of iams cat food which is really a good quality cat food and it’s a huge bag. That’s helpful

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Huge bag

At the gym. My second home. Enjoying my week off work. Going to a CFL football game tonight. Going to the fair tomorrow. Then massage and chiro on Saturday. Then footie (soccer) game on Sunday. Back to work on Monday. Sad.



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