Roll Call 200

It is good! It’s got artificial sweeteners which may not be the healthiest but it’s high protein low sugar.

I’m trying to prioritize protein intake for muscle growth.

Protein shakes, protein peanut butter, protein bars, loading up on chicken and lean protein for lunch and dinner.

I find eating more protein makes me fuller for longer.

Also taking animo acids and supplements to help with muscle fatigue and repair.

Don’t mind me, just becoming a crazy gym rat again lmao.

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That’s awesome! And hey I just got some cappuccinos that are sugar free (artificially sweetened with Splenda) they just arrived a minute ago, not the best in terms of health but still a a step down from eating actual sugary stuff all day everyday. I find protein helps keep me full longer too. I got some ground chicken I plan on making this weekend. cook it then toss it in some wheat pasta with tomato sauce with some sort of veggie. I’ve been doing the protein thing too, with the protein bars and protein smoothies/shakes. And trying to eat a variety of foods. I tend to feel better physically when I eat like that. And I don’t have those throwing up episodes

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On Snapchat you have the bitmoji avatar and I updated it to show more of what I’m wearing most of the time. So I’m not showing a picture of myself but if you don’t know me on Facebook or Instagram you can see roughly what I look like:



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I just noticed I got my 10 year member badge on here, I've been a member since June 2013

I had just turned 19 when I joined, now I just turned 29, damn time flies

Reading a book called The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo

Trying to get inspired to start decluttering and getting rid/let go of stuff I never use

I’ve been with this ID since July 16th 2015. I was here briefly in 2013 under a different ID that I deleted but been hanging around here pretty much since 2015.

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Salad.

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I really want to wear those dresses once I get the right shoes to go with them. My self esteem is non existent right now though so it will be awhile, I’m hoping to wear them at some point this summer though

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I made plans with my sister for July. We’re gonna go to a park near here and get lunch at a place right next to the park. And I’m gonna wear one of my dresses. Because I’ll have the shoes and everything for them by then. I’m nervous. I always worry so much what others think about me. But I want to stop caring so much that it impedes on my ability to express myself, it’s ridiculous.

I’m just gonna stop caring about what others think about me. Who cares what they think. It doesn’t effect me.

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I cried hard last night cuz my mom is gone for two nights, getting yearly cancer check. And I think about all of the things in my life...

I felt sleepy and went to bed at 1am.

Today has been a good day though. I went to work, stayed even longer than usual (To get stuff done) - And they gave me lunch. I feel a little hyper and silly, from a microdose.

Things are coming in place.. I talked with my family (On a group chat) - And I told them about some goals I have.. They don't want me to go into such internet rabbit holes, lonely, stressed, anxious etc...

But I'm okay.. I just want to make use of this life (For what it's for), and then die... I am given this life... for some reason.. But a reason nonetheless...

I haven’t been very good at being sober and completely alcohol free, but I’ve been pretty good on regulating my drinking and keeping in moderation.

I should just stop drinking but there’s part of me holding on to the thought of ‘the occasional’. Idk.

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So I’m experiencing psychosis again. They messed up my meds. They gave me dissolving tablets instead of normal pills and said to split them in half so I did. Just a tip, if a med doesn’t have a score line it cannot be split because the med may be unequal in the halves. Anyway, back in psychosis.

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Bought the book fourth wing…it’s about a dragon war college!

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Learning fingerpicking/finger style on ukulele, and how to play using a metronome

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Love fingerstyle

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It's been a fantastic, non-depressed 2 weeks.

I deal with demonic possession sometimes - Derangement, horror etc. But I take something to make me feel better (And it's usually the right chem).

I look forward to a good summer! (I'm just tired and want to relax.. I don't want responsibilities right now.. I just want to space out, relax, and relax..).

I was so hard on myself during the winter, and depressed. There was so many suicidal thoughts - Those are gone now. I blame the ket.

And I had so many existential realizations... That life isn't very short, more philosophical thoughts, ideas of common sense etc.. Just growing older helps.

I'm sorry they screwed up your meds. I hope they'll give you your regular pills.

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My tooth/jaw infection is almost gone. I have to get back with the oral surgery.

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So unmotivated. I just don't know what to do.

If I'm not supposed to search conspiracies (Which are on the "Intellectual dark web"), then what do I do..

I'd draw or something, if... I didn't know what I know.. And that there's very very limited time.

I think acid would help me do creative things... Idk. I have schiz, can't do that anyway. What is schizophrenia..

Staying up late, two nights in a row caused this. My mom said that I can work full time if I had to - Idk if I can.. Why does everyone have to be a slave to make pennies?? That's the whole point of why I'm searching about the corruption/conspiracies!..

I'm not pathological, in what I do.. I'm somewhat smart.. I can take time, to pet my cat, appreciate nature and stuff.. I have a heart, I'm not cold. But I know things.. I have to listen to myself, but everyone keeps warning me of stuff.

I have a heavy 3rd eye now.... But I'm not a nut and never will be.

I find boredom intolerable. Thanks to BPD. So I have to be doing something 24/7 otherwise if I have time to get bored I get impulsive and self destructive.

So today I practiced fingerstyle on ukulele for an hour, I’m working on learning Hey there Delilah on it, and worked on painting one of my miniature figures tonight. Maybe someday I’ll get good at these things, with a lot more practice. I’m trying to start dedicating more time to things like that than scrolling through social media. It’s more fulfilling and I can be proud when I make progress.

I do feel somewhat less anxiety now that I got my bloodwork results the other day and it was basically perfect in every area. So I’m in really great health.

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I didn’t get around to exercising today. Mostly cleaned, listened to music, did my hobbies, ukulele, painting, games, reading, and FaceTimed with my bf/watched anime with him

Exhausted now. It’s going on 9:30pm. Got up at 5am. I should probably go to bed soon but I want to stay up and listen to music.

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Season 3 finale of demon slayer on Crunchyroll releases tomorrow. (It’s an anime, a really really good one) So excited. Watching it with my bf sometime tomorrow.

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Had many thoughts. I wrote pages (As usual). Then smoked plant (Possibly not a good idea) and a CBN gummy (For sleep), and diazepam - So I'll go to sleep at around, half past midnight.. Wake up for work.. Take caffeine pill (To wake up).

Then at least Monday, I don't work.. I'd like Sativa, have interesting ideas.. I'll buy some at the weed store tomorrow.

I know this is a schiz forum - But this is just the way I'm dealing with my confused, soul.. I take my antipsychotics.. (The Invega Trinza - Which I can't stop anyways =/ But still, the 5mg of olanzepine!).

All is good (I hope!).

This is definitely a bad idea (For schiz - But I don't take the diagnosis 100% serious, otherwise I'd be crippled under my own inability to be myself, cuz I barely have much symptoms of something abnormal, for a while.. so..)

Any criticism is valid, so there's no need.. I don't have good coping skills - Or at least, the ones available aren't working right now.. And I'm changing my perspectives and such, being more mindful.

Again, I recommend against. I'm an idiot (But that's okay for me right now..). I am learning lessons!

I've gotten so far (With progress).. No one has any idea, cuz I could be really low functioning, in the hospital.. I haven't been in the hospital in years.

"Why is he always doing these same things" - I know.. I judge even myself, too. "I'm a horrible person", I could say to myself... But I gotta be kind to self..

I hope everyone is symptom free tomorrow =] Sleep well, angels.