Roll Call 200

If I can find any ****ing alcohol in the house

No I shouldn't do that. Never mind.

You're all pure souls. I am too sort of. Don't mean to derail everyone's progress - That's not my intention. I wish the complete best for everyone in the world.

With my increased prazosin and taking a PRN olanzapine I slept 8 hours last night and I only woke up once to go to the bathroom I already feel a million times better, though really groggy.

She also put me on Naltrexone, but I don't start that until next Saturday because of how our pharmacy is set up.

I think with sleep and not using/drinking I'll even out. There's some talk of lowering my Haldol decanoate dose before my next injection. I have an appointment next Friday to see if getting back to a good sleep schedule makes my symptoms better (I think it will because like I said even after just one night of sleep I can think and feel more like myself) and if it does we can lower the dose. I eventually want to stop it, but we'll see.

And I'm one week binge/purge free!

I feel depressed. I’m barely showering, cleaning etc. sleeping for like 14 hours a night. No energy. Negative thoughts , a lot of self hatred.

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It was June 12 years ago I had my first break….something about this season sucks!

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Remember, my bipolar children. I have always warned you all about the beginning/ending of SPRING.

Agitated/irritable depressive mania.

Good day today =]

How does one be creative....

Ah I guess, this one life I have right now.. Is it, the moment. But is anyone really in the present moment... I meditated yesterday, all about the most simple things.. The mind, to be clear - Like space.

Imagination.. SP recommended to read fiction.. I'd do that right now.. But I'd want a real, compressed, novel fiction - Like a hit of psychedelic crack. Would that be DMT? Anyways..

I haven't finished watching Rick and Morty.. But I've had enough. There's only so much I can do.. Remember, present moment.. I'm okay I guess?

At least no mental illness (Well, a lot of it - But that's okay).

Dissociating again, trying to ground myself, it’s hard though

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Have a migraine from caffeine withdrawal. Threw up from it. Just went downstairs and bought myself a coke so hopefully that helps

Just took 1mg klonopin to help with the panic/dissociation. Should help. Been over a week and a half since taking any klonopin so should be fine.

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Hugs, the coke should help….

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Yeah this seems to be a bad time of year for me as well. My last hospitalization for a suicide attempt was around the end of June/beginning of July in 2017

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Thanks, I think it is already. I really need to start cutting down on caffeine slower than stopping it suddenly. It never goes well when I cut it out suddenly. Going from 5 plus cups of coffee a day to zero kinda makes me feel horrible. I’m gonna buy some coffee tomorrow or Monday. And stick to 2-3 cups a day for awhile. Then down to 1. Then just stay at 1.

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Feel better, not dissociating now and migraine is gone, stopped feeling naseous and throwing up too

Welp, I did nothing today. My lady friend said I should start writing mini stories again, and I guess I will do that on my Saturdays, until I can pay to get my book edited. Sundays are still reserved for Paradise Lost though. Tomorrow I read book 6, and will mark the halfway point of my journey = )

I did watch John Wick 4. Great movie, ending was strange, and I wish the Wick's dialogue was better, but Reeves specifically asked for fewer lines. Loved how it mirrored the Matrix in ways that really worked. Fishburn had the best lines. Apparently the ballerina is going to get her own movie or series. Should be good.

Night, guys

I have one cup of coffee a morning because it's suppose to be great for the liver, i'm more liberal with my tea parties though hehe

I drink one cup of coffee only once in the morning (Except when at work - Then I drink 2-3).

"5-15mg of Dexedrine = 1 cup of coffee"

Some days I'll have no coffee some days I'll have 5 cups worth some with shots of espresso in them mostly if I had to do a lot of driving especially heavily medicated. But I do try to limit it.

My emotions are still rollercoastering around.

Good morning. Woke up feeling a lot better. Woke up at a decent time. Didn’t oversleep. Slept good. Woke up to Mustachio kneading on my blanket next to me. No anxiety or dissociation, klonopin really helped a lot last night. I feel good and ready to have a productive day.

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How good my life is, is horrifying. What if bad happens.

I don't feel like myself today. I've only slept 7 hours a night, for 3 nights.

Tomorrow should be better. I think it's my cognition.. I don't remember when I'm supposed to get the Invega Trinza injection. I'll have to ask the pharmacy.

I'll take a 3mg Invega tablet (If it's close to the injection).

I woke up this morning, and my whole body was TIRED. And then (With coffee), it went away... I woke up less than 20 minutes before I got to work.

My mom wants me to go for a hike - So I'll do that. And I could feel better - Just worried about my heart, cuz I had a heart palp (Hypnotic) last night, twice. Esketamine stopped the heart palps for months. Cuz it dissociates my mind away from my body (I think).

I know I shouldn't take nicotine, caffeine, ADHD med. How can I be so manic? And not care.. about the delicate fabric of what bad could happen... Idk

I'm much better after the hike =] Oxygen supplied to my brain! (Ideally better with more sleep). I took half an atenolol though, cuz heart likes to beat fast.

It's 7/9 weeks for injection.

Edit: Tired