Roll Call 200

Beautiful day in my mind

(Now that I've had a shower, etc, and got all the morning things out of the way - Even though it's 3:33pm..).

I need.. my psychiatrist to increase the stimulant. To 200mg..

No jk, idk..

As the weeks pass, there will be less paliperidone in my blood.. And I completely stopped olanzepine!! - I thought I'd have to be on it forever... 10mg..

I send some writings of mine sometimes (To the family group chat that I have), my mom read it and said "I know why you sleep so much - It's cuz your brain works waayy too hard during the day" lol.

I'll skip the 40mg of Dexedrine every day (But still take the 60mg of Vyvanse every day), for a few days.. and see how I do..

I am doing good - But don't trust that a possible new doctor would agree with my medications. All I've learned is that doctors don't know me (Or listen), and want to exert power over me.

It hasn't happened in a long time, but I have stress over it still.

Everyone Was Wrong About Antipsychotics | WIRED

Antipsychotic amphetamines will be created...

Possibly elaborate SP... Cuz I like to think that amphetamine does something good to the brain.. Idk why it doesn't give me psychosis.. I'll have to read this again..

I would give anything though, to take just an antipsychotic, that had cognitive enhancing properties...

D1 receptor (Ok I'll look that up) - My gf is being really horny though.. I need to set boundaries...



Hmm.. They seem very similar. But most drugs that target D1, mostly target D2 first.

And then the serotonin 2A/1A receptors (Tryptamines, lysergamides etc).. Idk what those are all about, for schizophrenia..

I want to replace the 3mg of Invega with 5mg of Abilify. That would be very very nice.

It would work as an antipsychotic, and the mania would be back (But mild this time, functional)...

Although I'll stay on just the paliperidone for a while, and see how I progress.

I think my diagnosis is wrong, I don’t think I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I think I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

So my program manager found out about a program at the clinic I go to. So it’s basically a drop in place for people struggling any time of day just to get some support. He recommended me to the lady who runs it because he ran into her and she said they were looking for part-time peers and he recommended me. So basically I’d be part time and work weekends , Saturday and Sunday 10pm to 6am. So he is gonna email her right now and get the application for me.

I think we all know about questioning our dx but for me as long as the meds treat the symptoms, then it doesn’t matter what the label is.

Des the specifically selected for d2 block because that’s supposedly the mechanism but what this paper is saying is it’s really d1….

Been feeling not as bad last couple days. Still lightheaded a lot but not as tired.

Talked to the liver doctor today and she says my liver is functionally normally. Best thing I can do is be active and try to get at a healthy weight. Which I laugh at because I’m in anorexia recovery. But whatever! Liver is good. Nothing there that would be causing me to be feeling tired and lightheaded.

Wasn’t working very well last two days. Barely got anything done. But today I got a bunch of work done.

And there was this conversation on internal work message board and people were complaining about benefits (we all work for an insurance company). Which got me talking with someone else about using benefits. I’m trying to use all I can.

This got me to look up naturopath services. I found a good one around the city and thought hey why not. Maybe take some allergy and food sensitivity testing and see if they can figure out my lactose intolerance. Why not. I got coverage for $450 a year.

Also while at it I thought ‘what else can I use?’ Acupuncture! So I found a good place and booked for Tuesday after work. Why not. Maybe they can help more with my tailbone pain or something. Some people claim that acupuncture can help with mental health. I got $450 for a year coverage so why not?

So I’m using the following benefits:

- Prescription drugs
- Vision (eye exams and glasses)
- Dental (routine cleanings and mouth guard)
- Massage
- Chiropractor
- Dietician
- Psychology
- Naturopath
- Acupuncture

I have no use (thankfully) for podiatrist, speech therapy, or physiotherapy.

Anyway! Too lazy to cook dinner so ordered a rice bowl from the pita place. Chicken and bacon.




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I am trying to figure out what to do in terms of my relationship.

The only downside of him is that he doesn’t get /believe that I have a mental illness. But that is a big downside because it’s very invalidating and hard to talk to him about.

And it makes me question whether any of my experiences are real

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Anyway, I had a decent day. Met with my program manager as I posted above he gave me info and a recommendation for that job.

Also had an appointment with my therapist. Talked about the progress I’ve made. Told her about the possible job opportunity. Told her about the violin lessons. Talked about my volunteer position and how that’s going. Talked about cats for a bit. Lol (she traps feral cats and brings them to rescues on her time off). My mood is stable. I’m sleeping well. Plans to go back to college in January. Etc. said she’s very excited for me about everything.

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I'm a soul. I like music.

And intelligent thinkings

I observe an eternal fever dream

You’ll never get 100%. People are human and we all have limitations. Put into place things like therapists that you trust or other friends on this issue to protect yourself.

We watch this show Indian matchmaking and she’s always like aim for 70%

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Thanks that’s a really good idea, it’s only one thing so it’s not like it would cause the relationship to be bad or anything.

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I just noticed you joined Pc one month after me and we both have our ten year member badges now.

Yup it’s been a long time , hard to believe

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So I have 3 professional references for my job application and one personal reference. So that’s good. Hopefully it increases my chance of getting the job.

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Practiced violin. My lesson is tomorrow afternoon

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Was sui at work cuz of stress, confusion, lack of meaning, intrusive thoughts, low self worth, paranoia, resentment etc.

I took the 20mg of Dexedrine, 75mg of pregabalin and then 10mg of diazepam.

I'll report back in 1h, and see...

Ah I should have taken 5mg. Very relaxed. It's what I needed though. To quell the intense stress.

I'll be back.. and explain, all that can't be explained.. I try.

Anyone have any tips for trying to get the energy to exercise. I haven’t done it in a few weeks and I just feel really kinda lethargic lately, due to my meds. I need to start exercising again.

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My mom is a hyper hypomanic ADHD/OCD nut (No offense to nuts). She gets me out to go hiking and skiing etc.

My little sister will visit - And we'll hike a 1km high mountain (10k ft above sea level). It takes around 5-6 hours, constant up hill. I did it twice (Once in 2020, and again in 2021). During the Spring/Summer, it's best to prepare for it.

I tried going to the gym (When I first moved here), but the gym here really, is outside.. A few km away.. I used to lift weights (When I was 14-16), and liked that. I remember, when I lifted weights (At 16)? The depression lifted, and I felt "Hypomania/Intense euphoria" (For the first time in my life) - Almost as intense euphoria as when I stole half a bottle of Jack Daniels from my ex step dad.

I would like to get rid of fat, and not become super big.. But like ripped (I like that type of body form - Cuz I'm already strong, with my coordination etc..). I'd love to do Martial Arts (That was my dream for a long time - To do that, and meditate, something like Tai Chi) - Be able to defend myself, if someone were to attack me.. Or just show people that I can be a monster than can not be ****ed with.. I tried Martial Arts (When I was a kid - And my dad paid for it), but I was waaay too anxious, and had to quit. I think I needed some type of mentor/couch/guru or w/e, to teach me about life and such.

It can take other people to motivate you.. Some people just naturally want to exercise - But the more you exercise?, you become addicted to it. I went mountain biking a few times too (There's just a lot of bears here, and it can get quite hot, some summers). But it's good exercise.. I never wanted to go further than others, and went the shorter path.. I'm kind of lazy that way, and feel accomplished very easily (Once I do something that I like enough).

Some people don't really have many thoughts, and just like to exercise as well.. And not do much else, and ignore intellectual pursuits, and balance of other things in life.. Everything has to have balance.. Addiction of anything is no good.. But if it's not harming self or other people (And you're happy), that's okay. Like I have a "coder" gf.. Genius, but doesn't balance life. It's not good to be on the computer or inside all of the time, not socializing even.. People get agoraphobia etc that way.. It can take "others" to give insight, advise, hope, encouragement, support etc.. - To get out of their bad habits, and face fears.

The antipsychotic and beta blocker do make me unmotivated to exercise (I can't even get mad or pissed off - Even when I need to be), and agitation/anger/irritability can be used for creative endeavours.. The stim helps.. An antidepressant or psychedelic psychotherapy/ketamine can help too - Cuz they mimic exercise in the brain (Neurologically).

Thanks Desoxyn, I need to start walking more outside and using my weights and resistance bands too, and doing crunches and yoga. I used to go on nature hikes a few years ago. They were fun. I don’t know anyone who wants to go on them now so I wouldn’t know where to go or how to get there. I always feel a lot better after exercising it’s just getting myself to actually do it is the hard part. I procrastinate a lot with it and put it off. Gonna try to stop doing that though.

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Kind of annoyed. I got a copy of my last blood work from my family doctor and the liver doctor. The one my family doctor ran last week were all good. I talked to the liver doctor yesterday and she said everything was fine, but looking at them today it showed my iron level was 4 (normal is between 6-27).

So… why didn’t anyone tell me my iron was low? My family doctor didn’t test my iron last week so he didn’t know, but the liver doctor had the results and said I was fine.

I called my family doctor and asked if I should be retested or should I take iron pills or something. The receptionist said she would pass on the message and call me back. It’s almost 5pm and no one has called me. So that’s a bust. And my doctor is on vacation next week.

I see him on the 22nd so I’m just going to take iron pills until then. See how I feel. Whatever take this into my own hands.

Yeah so I’m annoyed. I’m not mad at my family doctor just healthcare system in general.

I’m trying to save money but I just want to go out right now and get some Starbucks or a milkshake or something to make myself feel better.

I’m going to try to cut out chips. I eat too many chips and they don’t make me feel good really. I have some sweet potato chips I gotta eat but aside from that going to stop eating chips.

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We gotta live we gotta live we gotta live =]

But feel alive too. That's the most important.

Being bored is okay too - That happens.

Also, transhifting, geometric, dissociating, Venn diagram, vortex, soul-machine, stormy (With lightning and undiscovered particles) into a funnel of MIND - Confused, all infinite human (And non-human) emotions and experiences, horrors and delights - Those things can happen too.

Remember, to live this life.. We are put in certain shoes (Just the way that things spawn - Don't worry, we're everywhere, all at once anyways) and.. There is a punishment (Hell), and a reward (Heaven). If you don't feel like heaven?, mess around - Find out. We'll be okay. Wisdom will be gained as a byproduct.