Roll Call 200

Anyway, I can’t sleep because I slept all day. It’s almost midnight. But I have a volunteer shift in the morning. So I’m just gonna stay up so I can do that then hopefully reset my sleep routine tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to seeing the kitties there. I have my kitten angels shirt they gave me I can wear now while volunteering.

I haven’t heard back about the propranolol yet. Usually they take 2-3 business days to get back about messages left on the nurses line. I left the message Friday. So hopefully I hear something this week. Would be nice to be able to get back on it. It helped my anxiety a ton when I was on it years ago. A lot of my anxiety is shaking, heart racing type stuff so beta blockers are helpful

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Is there something wrong with my philosophy SP? Give me some tips - Let me build self awareness.

I'm not sure if I can give good advice either. I'm content.. As I remember *omg my cat is meowing.. Why does she want constant attention, needs to go outside. I was going to get a leash, to be outside.. When I walk in the door "meow meow", and it's like I'm in some really disturbing reality* years ago, I was like "I'm going to buy the iphone 6+, so I can be more productive" (And it still wasn't good technology. *I pet my cat, but she's still meowing.. She has food and everything...*.

Then I got the Samsung Z Fold 3 + Macbook Pro M1 chip *Stop meowing* and things have gotten much better - I can just chill, relax..

And remember, none of anything will matter.. People have to prepare for food shortages. Imagine living off the grid, hunting in the forest, fishing, building shelter etc? People are like "Life is so much better, away from the system" - But that's how it will be. I predict another big pandemic of some sort, and the world is just ... I only know because I was curious to access all the relevant information.

People won't believe my fears - But I'm comfortable, forever how many few months or years that this lasts. No one knows as much as me, about the pattern of reality.. It's very religious in nature - That's what freaks me out.. Like we're all just animations or cartoons.. People are different yeah, have different ways of seeing the world..

And BB, I get that too (With the autist friend) - I'm like "I have to be alone, and be productive etc" - Just have to find balance/content (In the back of the mind) - And still calmly chill out, not be so hard on yourself.

But maybe SP is jealous of my philosophy (I'm not sure - It's hard to tell when she doesn't talk much, feels like games are being played on me. And it really bothers me). What did I do wrong? The research chemicals?

Cuz my family understands and accepts me. I'm kind of funny.. You saw my suicidal ideation etc (That it can get bad). Idk why some people don't like seeing me happy, even though I can't be bothered to try and get good at something specific, or do things without confusion - So I relax, and not to be hard on myself. It works well, until I can figure out what to do.

But it was like that with the video chat people. I believe that I'm doing the right thing. I'm not listening to anyone (Even my dad) - I'm in a different reality (The true one, to myself). No one understands what I say to them, then they say "What do you mean?" - So I explain myself again (While tripping over my words) and then they think there's something wrong with me - And see me as if I'm stupid/reject my humanity etc cuz I'm not social enough.

Maybe I look physically different than how people IRL see me - And my perception of myself doesn't match how others view me in the objective world - So it's just tree without a forest (Solipsism). Maybe I just look like a freak. And the lack of facial expressions doesn't help.

This is how it was (In high school) - I imagined myself achieving things, but not actually doing them - Cuz it's too much stress to concentrate, and be told to do things/participate, when I didn't see the reason for it. It's a common problem.. And the same with my current job.. Idk why people compliment my look.. Imagine if I looked ugly, how badly people would treat me - Or the way that people always have a shadow, and try to be something else to mask the reality of things that have made them uncomfortable/painful during their upbringing etc.

But I wonder how it really is, infinitely - Or truth. This world is compete madness it's reasons as to why everyone has such problems with each other.

It's nonsense. Complete nonsense.

And just gotta meditate, channel things through receptivity, expansion.. That's why I get high.. To mix reality up a lot... Cuz no rules or opinions matter long term.. Everything changes constantly.. There's no right or wrong it seems (Apart from just common sense, being human - That type of instinct, purely).

I am a pure soul.. I cry when I hurt anyone by hurting myself, or the world.. For not doing enough. Constant OCD thought battles, the past etc. And anyone can overcome anything. The mind is really powerful/consciousness/divine.

But it seems like I can't really connect with anyone - Or if I do feel connection, there's a problem, and I mess everything up. I won't be on my knees, obeying my mom and letting her control me, or anyone.. The government.. The Devil..

It gives SP a sick twisted pleasure to not reply to me, knowing I have OCD. It's smug. All I'm trying to do is understand - THAT'S ALL.

I hate you.

I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want these thoughts.

Every time I start to feel better, she does this. It's a strategic manipulation.

She’s probably just at work. She hasn’t been too active on here in general.

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My new resolve to wait until the people in front of me clear the doorways worked well today. I'm really glad. The other day I was reading Google search results for various phobias. There's one for fear of standing up and fear of walking. I almost hypnotized myself into getting them. I'm glad I didn't.

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Maybelle isn’t doing too well. She’s wasting away. Peeing and pooping outside of the litterbox, howling when I’m in a the other room or if I’m not home. She’s very frail. I mean, she is a 14 year old cat. But we’re looking into affordable vets to take her to this weekend to see what’s going on and worst case scenario she will have to cross the rainbow bridge. Her quality of life has really went downhill. I love her so much. I don’t want to lose my baby. But I also don’t want her to suffer.

I’m the meantime I’ll probably camp out/sleep in the loveseat in the living room the next few days so she’s more at ease since that’s where she is, until we figure things out this weekend.

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Anyway, my volunteer shift went well today. I have a shift at the place downtown that serves free meals to the community in their dining center. So I have a morning shift this Friday. Next Tuesday I have my kitten angels volunteer shift as usual. Then I signed up for two more meal prep/meal serve shifts at the other place for next Thursday morning and next Friday morning.

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Exhausted. Took a 10 minute nap this afternoon after being up for well over 24 hours straight. I’m looking forward to sleeping tonight. I want to sleep in tomorrow but I need to be up early to go to the food pantry to get some stuff to get me through till next week.

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Hugs dude. I’ve been at work.

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Still haven’t heard back about switching the klonopin to propranolol. Oh well

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You know what goes so good on tuna sandwiches? Lays chips. Crunched in between. And celery chopped in the tuna. So good. I just had a tuna sandwich for dinner. Didn’t have any chips or celery to put in it though

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I was in the office today at work and I went home at lunch to finish working from home because my head hurt again.

I didn’t get much work done to be honest I couldn’t focus.

Laying on the couch and taking Tylenol kind of helps, but it feels like this foggy headache. Like how you feel after you have a massive nosebleed.

Anyway, I’m supposed to be in the office again tomorrow to train the new person so hopefully tomorrow morning I don’t feel so lightheaded and headache.

I feel so lazy just laying on the couch but there’s not much else for me to do feeling like this.

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Sorry for accusations SP I love you ^- I think it's OCD.

I just need to be a chemist, and run an ethical, moral pharmaceutical company, that's all..

The vaccines make us tired (Along with the APs) - So while society dies, we'll steal as much jewelry, ear swabs, shampoo, shoes etc (From stores and other small businesses) - To take with us to our tombs.. so we can bring them with us to the afterlife.

Cuz the producing of more cameras and facial/iris recognition, connected to Worldcoin etc.. Gives us too much paranoia to live here. Headaches will happen.

Make sure to drink lots of water.

I am not feeling too good about DBT therapy. I have been doing it for a while now and I feel it is time to stop. Of course, the therapy "team" does not want me to stop.

It's so stupid. I hate my psychiatrist too. He doesn't understand that the 80 mg Latuda actually helped and he put my Latuda down at 40 mg, from 60 mg, when I was at 80 mg before. It is actually ridiculous. I always seem to have conflicts with psychiatrists, but this one is worse. I don't know. Switch psychiatrists maybe?

Also the psychiatrist put me on meds that I believe are useless such as Gabapentin, he didn't follow the advice put forth by my psychiatrist in the U.S. going forward, nor did he even ASK me a single thing about my history or anything related to the subject about my U.S. psychiatrist and what he wanted me to do, but rather this psychiatrist who thought he knew what he was doing down here immediately put me on Abilify, a med I had gotten off of, which immediately started to jack up my anxiety, then added Gabapentin, to ameliorate said anxiety, and then added modafinil, I'm not sure why, then started to mess with my doses of mirtazapine and lurasidone, which had been steady for some time. Anyway, I really don't like my psychiatrist down here. He is not helping me at all.

I feel like when talking to psychiatrists it's like talking to an echo chamber, at least with this one.

I like this thread because I can basically say whatever is on my mind without getting censored. It helps me get stray thoughts out.

Hey everyone, I'm back, lol. How is everyone doing?

It’s good to see you WA! I am doing okay. My sleep schedule is all screwed up but I’m working on fixing it. I’m still volunteering on every Tuesdays working with the rescue cats. And I have a few shifts coming up with a local shelter serving and prepping meals to the community in their dining center, that’s open to people who are in the shelter there or anyone in the community who wants and needs to eat.

I’m practicing piano everyday. Ordering some new ukulele strings on Tuesday. So sometime next week I can begin playing that again as well. Hopefully this time none of the strings snap. I am getting 3 packs for my tenor ukulele and 3 packs for my soprano ukulele. So at least if something happens and a string snaps at some point on either of them I’ll have backup.

Have you been up to any music stuff or writing lately? it’s good to see you back

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I’m starting studying for my permit, taking the test in a couple weeks. Need to get a copy of my birth certificate first.

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I wish I had more supportive people in my life. I have my boyfriend but that’s it. And my therapist and psychiatrist but they’re paid support. I wish I had a supportive family. I feel alone sometimes because it’s just me. My mom died when I was 22 , 7 years ago. My dad wasn’t in my life and I only met him one time a few years ago. I never met my grandparents on my mom’s side because they died before I was born. I have my sister and two brothers. My sister puts up with me only because I think she feels a sense of “charity or guilt” if she didn’t. But she doesn’t call. Doesn’t text. Doesn’t visit on holidays. She lives 15 minutes away. I try to make an effort to spend time with her, I reach out. My two brothers don’t talk to me. I tried for years to start a conversation with them and ask them how they’re doing only to be ignored. And my sister and my two brothers get together and spend time together. So it’s just me that’s excluded from anything.

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