Roll Call 200

I feel you.

The work at the cat shelter should help. I’m sure someone will take a chance on you soon.

Thanks I hope so

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Congrats on no cigarettes for 4 years, do you vape or are you completely off nicotine?

I sleep around 12 hours too. Maybe a but long but if it’s good quality all is good..

Congrats on 4 years without cigarettes!

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Watching the movie Predator. I’ve never seen those movies before. Then after I finish all the ones in that series I’m gonna watch the movies in the Alien series which I also haven’t seen

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Oooh the last Predator movie was Prey and it was so awesome. Better than most of the other predator movies.

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Lol I remember (When I was a kid), my brother told me "Not to watch *some alien predator movie*" - And I was curious..

So when he was at school, I put the CD in - And watched it. It was good.

It's like with the "Pirate Bay" thing - He looked at my computer and was like "You're downloading Torrents!" (Cuz he did).

Too funny.. When someone tells me not to do something, I must do...

I chew nicotine gum ^- It's expensive.. But helps with my cognition.. It will pay off, when I make millions..

Since then, I consumed 80 grams of pure nicotine..

I’m currently on the 1st one , the 1987 one , I look forward to seeing that once I get through the older ones

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From what I’ve seen of the first one so far it is really good, almost finished with it , gonna finish up tonight glad you enjoyed it too

I’m kinda that way too when people tell me what to do or not to do lol

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I have a volunteer shift tomorrow morning. After that coming home and getting some cleaning done, then practicing violin and piano. I practiced violin for 30 minutes today. my posture has gotten so bad over the years so playing in the correct posture/ and hand postion really made me sore. It will get easier over time though the more I do it, I'll rebuild the muscles. I want to have better posture anyways just in general everyday life so this will be an incentive to make it better.

Have an inspection on wednesday. Trying to not stress over it like I used to get over them. It's just my monthly meeting/inspection. No big deal. They just check to make sure everything is working.

Gonna finish the 1st Predator movie tonight then maybe read for a bit and then go to sleep. Super excited for my lesson Saturday. Honestly having this (weekly violin lessons) and practicing to look forward to is helping me dealing with the loss of my psychiatrist of 7 years. Her leaving just hit me really hard. I don't know if that's weird or not, but she was my biggest support and I trust her a lot, it's been great working with her over the years and I feel I've made a lot of progress with her.

I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday

When I was younger my dad sat me down and watched all the Vietnam films as well as the Alien ones.

Heading out to my volunteer shift. Ughhh don’t feel up to it, I’ll be home in a few hours though

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Just got home. The adoption coordinator was there today. It’s normally just me by myself. Someone was stopping by to adopt the cat Tipsy so she came today. So it was nice to get to finally meet her in person, I’ve only known her through text and email since I started volunteering there in March. She’s really nice.

Today went well. I did have to carry two 40 lb bags of cat litter and it was a workout to say the least. Anyway, I cleaned all the cages etc and played with the cats. A lot of them were extremely messy. Like a few of them dumped half their litterboxes all over their bedding. So that was a lot to clean up. There was a cat there today named Big Daddy, he had a few extra toes , really big paws. All the kitties were sweet except one which scratched me several times and I bled because every time I tried to get my hand in his cage to clean he would start batting at me. Forgot to use the biting gloves for him. Those are just big gloves like oven mitts kinda that you use when dealing with aggressive/scared cats.

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Saw my doctor this morning.

Blood tests show no signs of anemia. So that sucks. Wish it was a simple answer with a simple solution.

Did an EKG but it’s normal. Could be something like a post infection syndrome thing that’ll go away soon.

Or it could be something like POTS.

I talk to the liver doctor on Thursday to go over other test results so I’m going to ask him if there’s anything there that could explain.

Otherwise I just sort of sit around and try to do life as much as normal as I can. Doctor might refer me to a cardiologist or something if nobody has answers soon.

So yeah that’s fun.

Also TMI but I had my period end of June and then it was back two weeks later and doctor says that’s not a good thing at all and is referring me to a gynaecologist. Also fun.

I put my gym membership on hold for a month. Hopefully I can get back to it after that.

For now I just sit here occasionally dizzy, occasional headache, lightheaded upon standing, and super tired.

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Emailed and asked my building manager permission to play my violin 30 minutes a day in my apartment. Just wanted to give them a heads up, don’t want to bother people with the noise. I do have a mute on my violin which lowers the sound a lot. I don’t think it will be an issue. Especially if it’s only 30 minutes a day and in my bedroom with my door closed. I don’t have neighbors next to my bedroom on the other side. Just the laundry room. People make a lot of noise here anyway. I’ll see what she says, waiting on a reply.

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Bad mental state. I take whichever euphoriants, that will kick in. But my mind is toast, unfortunate. I try..

And heart doesn't like serotonin 2A agonists. Many problems, underneath the surface. I survive, every day. I don't like to live.. It's not really my thing.

But I'll find the way..

I don't want to become a skull.. But we all will, become skulls. And shadows will hide behind the light of our bone structures, being examined by archaeologists (In other realities) - Observing our dead flesh skeletons, for millions of years. We will come back, and tell the story.. "I've been trapped in a sandstone structure forever - I turned into sand, and blew into caves and crevices... Insects and bacteria colonized, with no light.. reproducing and dying..".

As billions of years pass (And all there is, being deserts of dry salt and cracks), the scorching sun shines into our eyes.. All that is left, are resemblances of religious man made places - We will drop, colourful broken glass - And the window in the room will open, birds will escape. Tears will fall, blood will pour down the drain, spirits will transcend our bodies, hearts will stop, and rot.

Pillars of architecture collumes, on a cliff.. All the same, our observation souls - Navigating through each passage and corner - Like a cathedral. It all crumbles, and the dream accelerates down, into the valley - Crashing into rocks, to the centre of the earth. Fire and molten metal (Gold, iron, radioactive isotopes etc), melt us into pure energy - We spawn somewhere unknown, and as it all cools down, the cold, dirt covered skulls - They sit, placed forever, as the grief of something always being missing.. Seeking to be revealed in everyones pleasant dreams - For others? Nightmares - That will wake people up, very quickly...

I feel sad...

Hugs…..

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My building manager said it’s completely fine for me to play my violin. Said congrats on the lessons. And said the program manager would love to hear me play some time as violin is one of his favorite instruments

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Today is juice day later @1pm

The building manager bought a juicer and makes fresh juice for people like 3 times a month. They use thinks like carrots, cucumbers, pineapple, apples, oranges, etc the different combos they come up with have all been really good. Fresh made juice tastes so much better than store bought.

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I love the stalls in the shopping centre that do fruit juices and smoothies.

As you say, very refreshing.

Practiced violin today, two more days till my 1st lesson. Super excited.
@Loial I actually have a blender here at home that I make smoothies with. Fruit/spinach/protein powder usually is what I put in them. can’t taste the spinach in them so it’s a good way to add nutrients

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Someday, like a year or so from now, I'll probably just buy a silent electric violin, so I can just play any hours of the day as long as I want (you can only hear them with headphones plugged into them otherwise they're literally silent as the name suggests or alternatively the violin plugged into an amp). I'll have to upgrade my accoustic violin to a better acoustic at some point too, but again, that will be in a year or so, once I have money to do that. Just right now my money is going towards essentials, weekly violin lessons, vet care for my cats, and paying off school. Those are what I can afford at the moment so I won't be adding anything else for a couple years.