Roll Call 201

Blue_Bird, for nerve pain gabapentin worked well for me. For some reason they took me off of it, and my toes freeze up and are in pain.

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Thanks I have heard that one is good, I’ll see what my doctor suggests on Wednesday

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I need to get my flu shot sometime soon. I also need to get the updated covid vaccine. I haven't had a booster in over a year.

Have work tomorrow, from 2pm to 6pm. Idk what I'm doing. Could be anything, cashiering, sales floor, training more for the talent captain position or a combination of some or all of them. Who knows.

The cool thing about the talent captain thing is I have 3 of the same days every week where I work at the same times, so every Tuesdays 5pm to 9pm, Wednesdays 12pm to 4pm , and Thursdays 5pm to 9pm. So my schedule will be a little more predictable starting the week of October 8th. I'll still pick up cashier shifts on the some of the days I'm not doing the talent captain thing. When I have time, when I need to or when they need me. But I have those three days every week garunteed to me at those times, every single week.

I’m really irritable today

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Heeey

With you I've got no self control

When we're alone, and no one knows

Heey

Feelin' hypersexual

This chemical, a deadly dose

I am good I am good

I am good life is good

I am good...

Anyway I feel like I write stuff like this all the time in my journal.

Good morning. Have work later today. My nerve pain in my leg is driving me crazy and I’m dreading work today because I know it’s gonna aggravate it and it will be a lot more painful. The only time it calms down is after a couple days of not being super active. Like it takes at least 2 full days off work before it starts becoming less painful. But then as soon as I’m back at work/active again it’s super painful again and stays that way till I get a couple days off again and have at least 48 hours of not being super active.

Not quite sure what to do about it. I have an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday. I need to ask for that day off cause I’m scheduled to work that day during the same time of my appointment.

I feel like the only way to get it back to normal would be to not be working this job but I don’t want to quit. Idk if it’s even worth it though cause my rent doubled (more than doubled) and my SSI will be cut by like 90%. So all the money is going towards bills and it’s really tight. What’s the point in working a job that causes so much physical pain if I’m not even getting ahead financially. I’m actually going to be doing worse financially working than I was before I was working. Basically at this point I’m only doing it for the experience , not for money cause all of it goes towards bills. And it hurts my leg. So yeah sucks and I’m getting discouraged. Mostly about the pain and financial stuff.

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I’ll give it 7 months. I have officially been an employee there one whole month today. If my doctor has any ideas that can help I’ll see if something helps but if the pain doesn’t get better over the next 6 months or gets worse I’ll put in a 2 week notice. At least that’s a good amount of experience to put on a resume. A lot better than nothing. Plus I’ll have experience as not only a cashier but interviewing people and doing orientations for new employees. I’ll just try to push through and see what happens.

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Good news: I got some new ukulele strings for my soprano and tenor ukuleles plus backup strings for both. So I’ll be set for quite awhile with those.

I paid for tomorrows violin lesson. I haven’t been practicing as much as I’d like due to a combination of work and being kind of lazy lately. But I’m hoping to make it a part of my regular everyday routine again.

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I wish it was Wednesday already so I can find out what to do about this pain. I’m dreading going to work today and the fact that I work today, tomorrow and Monday. Three days in a row. So I don’t get a chance for my leg to really rest. Like part of me wants to just not show up but I can’t do that. I mean I can, but I’d be disappointed in myself. Sorry about complaining on here. It just hurts. Thankfully today, tomorrow and monday are each 4 hour shifts. At least it’s not like 6-8 hour shifts like it was a couple weeks ago. And I’m not looking forward today because I’ll probably be cashiering today and I hate doing that. On their new scheduling app it has me listed for 4 hours of special projects today. That’s technically the name for the work as a talent captain. But who knows. I asked one of the managers what I’d be doing today, when I was there the other day. And he said cashier, sales floor, remain flexible. But he’s not technically MY manager anymore, he hired me and was my manager until the other one ahead of him offered me the talent captain position. Idk if my manager will be there today or not. I still haven’t finished training for that. Idk if they even do interviews and orientations on Saturdays so I don’t know if I’d even have anything to sit in on. Also I hope the manager that hired me isn’t doing the rest of my talent captain training. He did the first part of it because he happened to be there. He’s an asshole. There’s employees that have been there for the entire time the store has been open (2 years) that apparently he made cry twice in the past week. People that are great employees and do everything. He’s not my manager anymore. But he’s still there and is still a manager. Which is kind of annoying because I’m worried when I’m doing interviews and orientations in the training room I hope he doesn’t hover over me. He has a tendency to do that. Idk where else he would go though because that’s the main office aside from the main managers office. I am going to be so pissed though if he’s in there all the time hovering around correcting me

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I slept from 7:30pm last night to midnight then stayed up. Getting tired now at 11:30am. For those that work, is it normal to feel dread and anxiety about work all the time?

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So normally there is some dread but pretty minimal…the more attuned to are to what you do the less it happens .

Part of the problem is they don’t train people properly. So I’m still trying to figure out the cash register. I can do card, cash and gift card transactions, scan items, bag them , take the security tag off them. But I’m still struggling with layaways and returns, so every time I have one of those I usually end up having to call someone over to help

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Got this yesterday. Getting a couple more today lol. Happy birthday me!

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Happy birthday!

I can only put one pic per post but I got two paw prints on both the back of my ankles. They’re so cute!

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Happy birthday @cogladaid!

Happy birthday cogladaid!

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I’m cashiering today

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I’m so tempted to quit my job. It was so freaking busy today there were non stop customers and lines constantly. I wanted to just walk out. I hate it. My anxiety was so severe today.

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Hugs….maybe think of it like this. When you finish your degree you’ll be doing what you love but you’ll still need references and experience which you’ll build now.

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I’m trying to just push through it and keep going. I keep thinking I hear coworkers and customers whispering about me and laughing at me.

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I'm going through a highly rapid, expanding, confusing and mildly horrifying yet interesting, hopeful and accepted state of changed consciousness.

I have noooo idea what is happening. In fact, I had no idea what was happening since birth.

The worst part is that everyone is like this - And the people who are super smart, think they know everything, and don't see what I see.

I think deep. Real deep. I was given secrets by the psilocybin - and the nature of my illusionary self, my world experience, and rejection of societal and cultural norms, etc.

I could keep talking. But my cat is looking at me.. What do you want cat? Should I ask ChatGPT more questions, idk.. Connect with family? Why do that.. What does anything even mean. I want to put everything all together.. I can't even speak.. I write 100x better than I talk. It's lonely.

My autist friend is insecure about her looks.. Well she's a he.. So that's confusing too. And wants to move here to Canada - But Canada is a lie. People are stealing iPhones in mass from the Apple store. That's when you know that all of Western civilization has fallen.

Why am I even posting here anymore.. I have my drugs, they're all I've ever had.. Since I lost my mind, asked for help, and was given Prozac, which could have "calcified" my "pineal gland" - Or w/e BS that conspiracy theorists and spiritual people come up with (Which could probably be true - I'm not surprised by anything anymore, since I realize that life is an illusion, and that this world is being nuked with hyper novelty).. NEW THINGS! TECHNOLOGY! SHINY! I WANT DOPAMINE! (That's what everyone wants).

And everyone is divided.. There's 5th Generational Warfare or w/e, after 1st, 2nd.. etc.. And what if I was talking like this 3-4 years ago? I would be considered psychotic - But the threshold for psychosis has gone way up. No one cares anymore. I hate to be negative - I wish college and university mattered, and wasn't polluted by political ideology. I wish that "science" wasn't followed blindly (Manipulated evidence to control the masses) because people are too blind/unawakened and not connected spiritually or have much of an actual soul.

I didn't have a soul. Look what happened to me though, I see enough - Or at least rejected the thing - But yknow what happened... Avoidant, anxious, scared, isolated self, taken into isolation, abused, neglected. I came out of that - But my mom was dealing with her trauma.. High functioning alcoholic. I'm fine with her though now - And when she dies, Idk what will happen.. Probably the most horrible thing that will happen to me, crying forever... My dad too.

My siblings.. My sister is a free spirit, trying hard, living life.. My brother wants to be a cop - Great, he gets money.. But CSIS (The Canadian CIA) and other intelligence agencies are probably spying on me - But hey, everyones being spied on - And our data is being harvested.. The news is fake propaganda.. History is repeating itself (And I don't even know that much about history, apart from the internment camp that I spent in as a kid, learning useless information so I could become a slave and pay taxes/which is theft by a powerful, controlling, government organization, special interests, billionaires and monopoly corporations). All small businesses will be taken out.

Everywhere is a 3rd world country now. But anyways, MY MAIN GOAL - Is to find a reason to be optimistic about the future - But I'm not going to KMS until the pain is too unbearable. I get stronger every day... Finddd .. find some hobbies, focus attention away from survival? Altered states of consciousness that got me to a better state? Isn't that better than being ignorant, talking to myself on sex chats, showing off on camera? The only positive thing was that I stayed there to help the random suicidal people.. I know what it's like to feel intense psychological, spiritual, existential pain, and I don't want anyone else to feel that way. I took a LOT of methylphenidate, and would enjoy the crash - Complaining "Why am I crying, so much misery" - And that was yeaaaarrss ago.. Imagine the gears in my mind, and how they are rusted and torn, grinding day after day, me just hallucinating all of this ********, 24/7 though monologue like this. The only reason I'm able to write is down RN and rant, is cuz of that changed state of consciousness - Mindfulness I think?

And I can be in nature.. Yes.. Many people just escape to it completely.. That's cuz they NEED it. I don't. I don't even want to live (That was not me saying that.. I can split my mind, and perspectives.. It's super easy..) - I feel good, I'm positive (Enough for objective perspectives that are hidden from me - If everyone wasn't so divided for being so stupid about race, gender, sexuality, money, ethics, the structure of reality.. If people just took the time to study things for long enough without having such a short TikTok attention span).. Even me, not being able to do basic life stuff, cuz I'm not comfortable or experienced enough with the spirit world.. And DEATH..

And the energies of nations, corporations - The mountains, the rivers.. The sewage, fertilizer.. Oh 1/3 of fertilizer is gone (Cuz of the Ukraine war), and all areas of the world have certain stages of growth (Some skip stages, some do 7 within a generation - Like China, but then will die of starvation and population collapse). Like old people are sitting in homes, caged like a bird. You have to open the door of any trap in existence - No on wants to be trapped. We all like walls (Safety) - We have doors, so we can go out every once and a while. My mind feels like a trap. But yknow what? We. Enjoy. Our traps. That's existence.

Freedom? Everything has twisted in on itself.. Seeee with both hemispheres of your brain.. That's a whole CIA experiment, to do that.. It's easier to just smoke DMT, and speak with the alien entities - But when I talk to them? I will be guiding them, as I am the one (In reality, the environment also is just as equal, but they got to tell me something, as I know that my consciousness is connected to the divine by subjective, and all the objective evidence that I see around me.. Other people are like me.. And I will find. The way).

Happy Birthday Cogladaid! ^-;

Like I'd be able to study any topic or interest that I wanted to - But this generation isn't at the right STAGE/PHASE OF LIFE. It's going down down down.. If it were rising? Then I'd read books etc. That's why people live for their children, for them to have a good life.

- That's basically the main objective of life. And this will happen throughout every unidentifiable pattern mixture of infinite spectrums - Or ghosts going through walls, dissociation of objects - Going through each other, or technological, floating robot alien God eyes, expanding, and roaming deserts of exoplanets.. Searching and doing telepathic, quantum time machine telecommunication and telekinesis..

Ah man, I don’t worry about the meaning of life. I’m just trying to stay happy.

You think and worry too much!

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