Roll Call 201

Hope you feel better soon SP

Work should be easy today. It's just a 5 hour shift tonight. I get one 15 minute break. So that's only 4 hours 45 minutes of work. Part of it will be spent on a module learning how to fill out i9 forms and the other like 4 hours will be spent training to do interviews and orientations for employee candidates and new employees

My mental health has been better since I started working. Oddly enough. Don't get me wrong, I still get severe anxiety especially social anxiety interacting with a bunch of people and customers but it's gotten easier. My mood swings have been way less lately. I still get paranoid sometimes. Mostly about things like worrying about not doing a good job at work and worrying that people there hate me. But I keep managing to keep showing up and pushing through it. This really gives me hope that someday I'll be able to work full time and fully support myself without social security. Some day. It also gives me hope that I'll be able to finish college. If I can manage this there's zero reason I can't handle finishing my associates degree. This is a lot more stressful than college ever was. A lot of my issues with finishing college were due to my mental health but now that it's gotten better and I'm older and more responsible now and able to handle stress better I should definitley be able to handle it.

Oh I forgot to mention, I saw a little bunny rabbit hopping around the other night on my way home from work

wow after two weeks of not drinking i am really feeling a tall boy. Probably the ativan i took too.

Got back together with my on/off ex the other day. Gonna meet up with her tomorrow. Talked about it with my pdoc last night. She commented on my "thing" with clingy men. In therapy on Friday we gon' explore why I freak out when I get close to people, but then freak out when I pus them away after and they don't come begging back. Like, I ghosted a close friend last week and she hasn't reached out since and the past 3 days of been so stressful because of that.

where tf is my watch? I'm not wearing it. I always wear it

I do not feel very good right now. Just depressed. I need more mirtazapine I think.

It is pretty stupid that my psychiatrist only responds to me when he feels like it. It is ridiculous actually. I don't understand it. It's like he doesn't think he has the obligation to respond to me. It's really annoying and I don't know what to do about it.

Then apparently when I want to switch psychiatrists I'm being "impulsive" or something. I don't get it.

"People with schizophrenia, a mental disorder that affects mood and perception of reality, are almost three times more likely to die from COVID-19 than those without the psychiatric illness, according to a study led by researchers at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. Their higher risk cannot be explained by other factors that often accompany serious mental health disorders, such as higher rates of heart disease, diabetes, and smoking. The study suggests that there may be something about the biology of schizophrenia itself that is making those who have it more vulnerable to COVID-19 and other viral infections. One likely explanation is an immune system disturbance, possibly tied to the genetics of the disorder.1 People with psychotic disorders, such as schizophrenia, are five times more likely to die from COVID-19 and three times more likely to be hospitalized, according to new research by University of Manchester health data scientists. The COVID-19 pandemic has further highlighted the poor physical health outcomes we see for people who experience severe mental illness, and there is an urgent need to provide enhanced care for this particularly high-risk group."

I don't have heart issues (Maybe from stim abuse), don't smoke anymore, no diabetes.

But many people with schiz - Yknow, on the street.. Uncared for, doing drugs, in psychosis, mentally incapable to deal with COVID. And are neglected (When they do get it), left to die.

The genetics is strange.. Maybe they created the virus to kill all of the people with access to a certain state of consciousness, who knows!

Age, obesity and cardiovascular issues are always some of the main ones though.

Age is number one schiz is number two above anything else including asthma.

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I have so many high risks I'm amazed I'm still alive. Sz, overweight, old, etc.

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I've had COVID twice, and it was very mild. I don't care about it anymore. I wish I could go home.

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On my way home

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I've been tricked into content addiction. And it's different for every person.

I will find the way, but it seems bleak. What my mind tells me? Is that the deeper I go into it, the better it will get. So that's what I'll do (Masking as self improvement) - But what I know, is that my life has gotten better.. Than the basement.. I've improved.. And will try to be flexible, and do all the good things (Differently, balanced, hobbies etc...) - Cuz with time, I will prove people wrong...

No one understands.. Cuz most people have had enough stimulation when they were kids, teenagers etc.. I didn't. I didn't!!

I like nature... But winter is coming..

Home relaxing. Training was fine, I learned how to do the computer stuff etc they still have to show me how to do the interviews. There was a person there for their orientation so one of the managers let me watch while they did the i9 forms etc. I start doing it on my own in a couple weeks. It’s gonna be a lot to do. Aside from that I’m doing everything else. They said just remain flexible so I’m still cashiering when needed and helping out on the sales floor placing new clothing onto the rails, doing recovery, etc yeahnnhhh it’s a lot. Anyway people really shouldn’t throw clothes all over the place but that’s what customers do , they don’t put things back they just lay stuff across the racks or on the floor so everything has to be picked up and put back everyday and it’s a ton of stuff. I reorganized the shoe aisles today and people kept coming in and putting shoes back the way they’re not supposed to be so I kept fixing it. They’re supposed to be facing toes out. There’s coats draped over the rails all over the racks randomly and I’m like wtf it’s not that hard to put an item back where you got it or anywhere for that matter, just put it back on the rack at least. This isn’t kids doing this. This is grown adults leaving messes all over the store. I guess that’s just how stores are though, customer service etc..
Anyway I have two days off. Don’t work Thursday or Friday. Then I work Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I’ll be doing whatever they want I guess

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I feel like I need a break from content sometimes too. To connect with real life. I didn’t get a cellphone till I was 14 years old. Then I got a laptop and internet etc took over my life.

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I keep seeing cute clothes there though and want to buy some when I get my paycheck. They have a huge variety of stuff. It’s all nice and all of it is like from really good brands that are from like last “season” and places have to make room for the new stuff so this place I work buys all the out of season stuff and sells them at much lower prices then they usually go for. I haven’t used my employee discount since I started working there a month ago but I think I’m gonna go shopping there Friday.

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I had so much caffeine I made myself sick. I had to reschedule my tattoo. Makes me sad.

I drank tea, ate something, threw up, got a couple hours of sleep. I’m wide again now but I feel better.

I’ve decided that I’m giving up caffeine. I’ll have tea, and like Coke Zero but giving up energy drinks. I already gave up coffee.

I just take things to excess and I feel sick from it. I’ve been on a slippery slope with caffeine just overdoing it. Time for a reset.

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I’m up too but with a sore throat

That sucks.

I feel nauseated again. I hate to wake anyone but I’m going to try to find some Pepto.

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So I was Googling and apparently I have some sort of extremely high viral load. Like the line showed up very fast and got really dark. I mean it makes sense because it’s an antibody reaction but it apparently like thousands of times higher and they said something about an immune system failure. Oh joy. I mean hopefully the meds kick in and reduce that but I have to admit I’m concerned.

Thank you Reddit others have had this with a normal course of infection. Midnight googling is no good.

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I have a writing app and I guess it's just a website, but it's like I have to write 750 words every day. But I don't know what to write there anymore. It's like I need a prompt or something. I don't know.

Why not use the inktober art promos they work equally well writing as drawing.

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Yay I have today and tomorrow off! I plan on relaxing today, basically laying around doing whatever I want, (videogames, shows, violin, reading) and getting some household chores (cleaning, laundry) and shopping done tomorrow.

My new alarm clock works really well. It definitely wakes me up. I turned it off today though when it went off at 5am because I wanted to sleep in since I didn’t get to sleep till after 1am. But yeah it’s nice to have that backup in addition to my phone alarm.

I feel pretty good. My right thigh hurts bad from the nerve damage and work aggravating it. But I can’t really do anything about that so it is what it is, no point dwelling on it right now, just gotta distract myself from the pain. I have an appointment with my doctor next Friday about it.

It’s starting to feel like fall. I could see my breath when I got out of work last night at 9pm. It was pretty chilly.

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Oops I meant to say my appointment with my doctor about the nerve damage is next Wednesday. Next Friday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. He wrote a letter of approval for me to be my own payee so I have to pick that up

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