Roll Call 201

Been on a drinking binge but I'm completely out of alcohol now, feel like complete shyt, and I have therapy tomorrow so I'm going to end it today (edit: I mean the bender not my life just clarifying). Folks elsewhere on the boards were making me feel bad lol. There's also something about the Lybalvi that makes me not want to drink so heavily either (I guess the samidorphan?)

My new thing is listening to

I don’t think people are trying to make you feel bad, they’re just worried about you. I’ve been reading some of your posts and you do seem that you really need help right now.

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Yeah, I kinda realize that now. I'm just hoping outpatient can be enough, but I'll let my therapist determine that tomorrow.

ugh my mom's drunk and screaming her head off. I don't think she even realized I left the kitchen haha at least I'm not like that when I drink

You are loved MuddyBoots!

Very good day today. One of the best days, as my soul.. Is opening. To the Gods.

I thought it was Friday - And my mom was like "No it's Thursday!", so I spit my meds out, and went back to sleep. Didn't have to work today.

I sat outside in the sun, and watched some videos, listened to music. I walked downtown to buy some treats, and a Gatorade.

My autist friend is addicted to putting inflatable dildos up her butt and coding - So I'm leaving her alone.

I talked with my aunt, mom, dad, snapchat, messenger (Research Chemical friends) - Productive? Idk.. I try. I'll try and read more of the book "Brave New World" later tonight.

Good morning. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in a couple hours. Also have a meeting with my program manager (it was supposed to be yesterday but was rescheduled to today). Then I have work from 7:30pm to 11:30pm

Got paid today. Paid for this weekends violin lesson. Paid my phone bill. Bought cat litter and cat food.

the fun stuff: I bought a hydro flask water bottle to motivate me to drink more water. And because it keeps drinks cold. My current reusable water bottle is plastic and nothing stays cold in there for long. Also got a zip up hoodie since the weather will be getting colder soon. Oh and a pedometer. Like a basic step old school step counter you can clip on to your belt. I don’t feel like investing in a Fitbit again right now because I already have a digital watch and the only thing I’d really care about is the step counter because that’s what motivates me to keep moving. Also every Fitbit I’ve had has just randomly stopped working in like a year to a year and a half from buying it. They’re too expensive for that to happen. I do like them but they’re not in the budget right now. The pedometer I bought cost $18. All it does is count steps and that’s all I need right now.

Therapy today. Not sure what to say.

I do not want to go to work. But it’s only 4 hours and I have three days off after tonight.

3 days!! You get your well needed, blessed rest. And wonderful life, doing things..!!

Doing things.. Or the choice to not do things.. + Contemplate, this existence - With love.. From family, your bf, us, and the world! That loves you..

When you're there, you are alive (Within the mind - Remember..) - If not, we push through.. How long has I survived, and you survived.. All of this. Miracle - That's why and how, like magic.

While the sun sets, you dream.. Wake up early like you do - It rises.. The light shines for us all, it's where we came from.. Exploding stars. Moving throughout the galaxy, spinning.. You can do what-ever-it-is-that-you-want (Within boundaries of all our lives).

The rotating, spiralling, forever fractal.. That no one will ever truly know - But experience. The journey is supposed to be good (Our neurotransmitters are like "We need to function electrically properly - To match the computation of 1's and 0's, making consciousness and meaning - Within-My-Mind, that reflects now, to BB's-Mind" ).

And the emotions flood, melting.. Hallucinating the dreams and thoughts, reflecting ...

The reality patterns have to align properly.. with everything.. It's like in math class.... Using the protractor - But for humanity, and the stars.. Constantly alligning everything with itself..
A massive crystal
Light just going through - >>>>>
GOES THE WRONG WAY
REFLECT
REFLECT WHAT EVER THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY - I AM COMMUNICATING - I AM THE SUN. I AM THE SOUL. I AM GOD. ALIEN. SHADOW. PRETTYYYY SEEE THE LIGHTT WHAT MORE IS THERE THAN LIGHT QUANTUM PARTICLES STAR DUST FIREWORKS!

Jk, but that's how it goes

That’s really beautiful Deosoxyn

Ughhhh it’s been a long day. I woke up at 5am. It’s 5:30pm now. I head out in about 40 minutes to get the bus to work. Idk why I’m dreading it so much. It’s just 4 hours. My anxiety is just bad today. I took a propranolol earlier. I might take another one before I go. I can take up to two a day. The idea of quitting keeps floating around in my head when I’m thinking negatively but I know I shouldn’t. It’s just stressful. Maybe some day it will get less stressful. Idk. I haven’t been able to relax or focus on anything all day today because of anticipating work tonight. So I didn’t really do much. I played a game of magic the gathering with my bf but that’s about it. And did laundry.

I just have to keep telling myself it’s 4 hours. Then I can come home and relax and not have to go back till Tuesday.

Is it weird that every shift I think in my head to myself that I will quit after this shift. It gives me relief oddly enough even though I don’t end up quitting. Telling myself at every shift that I can quit and never come back if I want makes it a little easier to deal with day by day

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At work. An hour and 45 minutes left. I’ll get home like half past midnight. Then I work again tomorrow from 8:45am to 12:45pm because they asked

On my way home

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I’m home. Got back early because the bus actually showed up. Gonna relax tonight then get ready early in the morning for my shift.

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Ah that sucks BB that you are to work again - But you can do it! (:

My mom said.. "If you agree to working an extra day, you do it - A man of your word means a lot".

So I will try to be, a man of my word.. It's good..

I was struggling greatly past while. I forget what even happened. I just accept that everyones cognitions are changing (With the environment - And possibly the Large Hadron Collider/particle accelerator).

Listening to podcasts has been the no. 1 best thing for me.

I can now converse, with people.. And I know things..

Secret things..

The Canadian government wants to censor podcast platforms. Lol is no one allowed to even have conversations anymore...

What about GTA Radio? Anyone remember that? America! What a crazy place this world is.. It's like that.. Banana Republic.

And Alex Jones? Small doses, once a month.. I sit and listen.. He's like GTA Radio..

Americans are literally insane.

Eminem too. He messed some things up. Detroit.. What happened to that city, is what will happen to all of them - But more built up by money into policing, data tracking, living in our condos, real futuristic dystopia.

When will the dream come true.. All souls, want it.. And are trapped.. But lets have hope and faith yknow.. We are here, on this little forum.. Much love to all. It's not easy. But we're strong willed. We are the real, reality patterns.. Light shines through me (And forget about who I am, if I'm worth anything.. That doesn't matter..), as God is writing through psychedelic aliens and angel telecommunication passages.

But in all seriousness, what I want - is all freedom and happiness.. And I will sit in the jail cell.. thinking.. round in circles (Like I have been on here for many years, decade.. Even the time I was moderated - I'd write walls of isolation induced quasi-psychosis, and no one saw..) - And so.. I'll be tortured, I don't care. As long as my soul, and the world around me (As far as my third eye can see), is free.

Yeah I always go in if they ask me to pickup an extra shift and I say yes. I always stick to my word. The more I work the more paid time off and paid sick time off I accumulate. So I can take a nice week long vacation sometime in the end of winter. Not going anywhere special. Just like home relaxing lol anyway that’s my goal lol work a lot so I can get lots of paid time off.

It sucks a lot, but I’m doing it. I’ve been an employee there for 1 whole month and 1 week so far. I’m pretty proud of myself. I complain a lot about it but it does feel good to be accomplishing something in life. I’m not gonna do it forever. Someday I’ll have a better job. After I go back to college and finish my associates degree.

I need to get some hand sanitizer to bring with me to work. Since I’m handling a lot of cash from lots of people and handling their purchases that they’ve touched. I don’t want to get sick especially since flu season is coming. Which reminds me I need to get a flu shot and an updated covid booster. So I’ll call CVS on Tuesday to schedule those.

So far I have a balance of 0.33 hours of paid time off available and 2 hours of paid sick time off available. Just gonna keep racking them up so I can take time off if I need it with the PTO and take time off with the paid sick time off if I get sick.

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Good morning

I got the tempered glass/blue light blocking screen protector for my laptop. Also got a laptop lap desk, a gaming wireless mouse, and a mousepad. So my laptop is all set. Already have the replacement charger. Next step is getting the battery replaced professionally. There’s also a very small issue with the border/casing of on the screen (the plastic part) that I want to see if I can get fixed. Trying to make my electronics last longer, take care of them and replace parts and batteries etc so instead of buying an entire new laptop for example.

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Part of me wants to go to sleep, I have been up for 25 hours so far. I just want to go to bed and sleep through the day and say **** it and not show up, but I have to

On my way to work

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Waiting for the bus to go home. I’m soaked. It’s raining extremely hard like down pouring. It’s sideways rain. And it’s cold and windy. And I’m cold because I’m soaked even while using my umbrella.

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My old boss is out sick from COVID. Which means I was probably exposed to it because I was around him the other day. Everyone at work is getting sick. I hope I don’t end up with something

You can get test kits at Covid.gov for free. Also if you’re positive, get paxlovid from your doc sz spectrum is a high risk condition.

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