Roll Call 201

I am good today, just writing an article for a magazine my friend edits, which is kind of neat.

That’s a good idea. I managed to vacuum my whole apartment today. And did the dishes. That’s about it but it’s better than nothing.

I managed to practice violin for an hour and ukulele for a couple hours today. Which is good. Cause I’ve struggled with motivation lately and I have to force myself to do anything

Sometimes I feel guilty about playing games but they’re fun, I just feel bad because I always feel like I have to be productive 24/7 or doing something more useful like reading.

But anyway, been playing a lot of Pokémon Go lately. They have their Halloween event going on. This is my character.

My blood pressure has been low last couple days. Usually my blood pressure is hanging around 105/65 (which is considered a ‘normal low’) but I checked it yesterday and it was like… 101/57.

Today at one point it was 84/58 which is totally considered low. I can’t see the doctor until next Tuesday.

I ate nachos and some chips and now my blood pressure is back around 102/56 which isn’t too off but still lower than normal.

I still feel a little lightheaded. But it’s getting better.

I was in the office today and very unfocused. I might just work from home tomorrow instead of going in. Anyone asks I can just say I was lightheaded which is true.

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I'm here to participate in saving the world

So I look in the mirror.. And realize, it's all mirrors.. All of it..

And that's the beautiful thing about it. When the birds are set free.

One idea... after next..

This new idea will be searching up "Manifesting"

My cat is staring at me

It’s all about balance….

Have work tonight from 5pm to 9pm. I slept good. Took a shower this morning. Having a nice slow morning, ate some oatmeal with blueberries, banana and flax seed. Drinking some coffee. Played some of my game. Read the rest of a book. It’s only like 10:30am and I don’t have to be ready to head out till 3:40pm. I’m probably gonna try to practice violin around 12pm for 30 to 60 min. Then make lunch. I feel pretty good.

Took some propranolol for my anxiety. Will take one more right before work. I can take 2 a day. It’s helpful for dealing with the physical aspects of anxiety. Like the fast heart rate, shakiness, feeling of dread or panic in chest/stomach.

I have no problems in life

Because I am an absurd mind.

Let reality wrap around a building, and suck out all of the office workers, the paper work and bosses and secretaries sex toys - Into another dimension, where the grass is blue, the sky is underground, and the civilization is alien - And live for eons in that place, until that radio signal transmits to God - Where he's had enough, presses the eject button, and get sucked into the vacuum of space. As tentacles grab him, he curses all of creation - Satan blesses it, puts an LSD soaked sock over his eyes and a small grain of metal hits him in the retina, he is now creating it all - A new reality.. The Earth 2.0, inverting inside out, imaginations and direction of heaven - All the of enlightened beings, falling off of a cliff, rolling and bruising (Which feels orgasmic as a thousand supernovae), the blood melts into the sky from anti-gravity computer simulation machines, raining - During the apocalypse, onto all animal spirits that were slaughtered on Earth 1.0 - They drink the collected puddles, hallucinating everything that is nature.. The wind of pollution blows away into holes in the ground.. And everyone sleeps on the new -7th day of the week.

On my 15 minute break. Done with work at 9pm. 30 more minutes and I can leave

Waiting for the bus to go home

Work was good. I was a cashier. The whole time today. I’m home now relaxing. I’m thinking I’m probably gonna be working on Thanksgiving because it falls on a Thursday and I work Thursdays.

My schedule is the same every week now. Monday 11am to 3pm. Wednesday 5pm to 9pm. And Thursday 11am to 3pm. Every week. And I always get Tuesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays off. That’s really the main perk of getting the talent captain position. I have a regular schedule now instead of random times all over the place changing all the time

Apparently I'm afraid of heights. Cause I had to get up on an extremely high step ladder in the stock room and carry big layaway bags up with me on the ladder to hang on the hooks up there near the ceiling (the ceiling is very high) it freaked me out/made me really nervous and scared I'd mis-step and fall backwards off it and break my neck. I'm clumsy, worst person to do that but I had to do it. Anyway, I never realized I was afraid of heights before because I've never been on a ladder/step thing up that high

Needed to take olanzepine. I have mental illness right now..

But everything is magic anyways.

The 5mg of olanzepine helped. I still take Invega pills.

Imma sleep..

Stress is unreal.. I try to be lazy and self-assured (By delusion) for my own sanity.. Idk if...

I can handle.

This all. Of life. It used to be so different - I try to do genius things, anyone can do genius things.. With their specific talents. But I just go for everything.

Bad at prioritizing.. It's pure insanity if you think too deeply, and I think much deeply, with speedy thoughts. Overthink until paranoia happens (Like my dad).

My dad will visit next week. We'll do fun things. It'll be good. I can't believe it all... Both of my parents neglected me, and ex step dad abused, controlled, manipulated me. All in isolation. It's what happens to many. Just gotta... Live. That's why people live. The world is imperfectly perfect. So are all humans.

Heading to work in about an hour. I get paid early tomorrow morning. My paycheck will be pretty good because I worked 17 1/2 hours last week. Some of it will go towards my violin lessons , some towards groceries, and some towards household essentials and some to reload my bus fare card.

Almost done. On my 15 minute break. Then 45 minutes left and I can go home

Waiting for the bus to go home. Three days off starting tomorrow!

I fell on my *** at work today lmao I squatted down low to put something on a low shelf and lost my balance and tipped back

Home now. Making jalapeño poppers I get paid super early tomorrow morning (around 3am) then am going to go to the grocery store and buy food. I have an appointment with my therapist as well tomorrow. Am gonna meal prep some brown rice, teriyaki chicken and steamed veggies

Want to take it easy tomorrow and relax mostly so am gonna order my groceries through Walmart delivery instead of going to the store. Saves me a trip. Trying to make the most of my days off and really enjoy them.

I watched some video (One sec I'll find it);



And I felt sooo apathetic, taking a walk.. in the cold.. People were looking at me. I don't like the way I look sometimes.. Maybe I'm too fat.

But anyways, I'm like "I will be numb - Then I can't feel when people laugh at me". Cuz isn't it like that.. With life.. Just feeling shame, embarrassment, etc... I never really felt that (When I was 17-21) - Those 4+ years, have been total mania (But with ability to sleep).

Anyways, I might be insane.. But we all are, and that's ok. As long as it doesn't interfere with your life... Then that's when you seek help, and the brain chems can be balanced etc.

But I said to myself (Basically 100% giving up), "I wish I had no emotions, and I could just be an awareness module/machine, observing reality" - All the songs that play, so meaningful - Still.. Cuz like, they're all chosen 100% correctly for my particular situation.. That's pure synchronicity..

I talked to my autist friend (Sent her the song), and she didn't reciprocate - I thought "Ok, you're on a different path", felt sad - But before that? I CHOSE to live.. Cuz I've been really really depressed (In the past) for a LONG time (And didn't know why) - Now I have more experience in life.. I know the game (Enough) to get by..

We were talking on the Snapchat group - And Newtus left, I sent her a 2-3 messages "I care" - Cuz I'd often leave groups (Thinking everyone is against me) and some people would do that after.. So even if there's conflict, and people are wrong or right, things are still good.. I even said that in a "Parkinson's" type state.. I'm still in that state.. I do need a long break from life, and the autist friend too (I love her but she's super weirdo, and too much to handle)... And my muscles, they don't react to my mind.. Cuz my mind is too exhausted, and nothing connects.. Newtus got added back...

And I said to my mom "Mom, everything is an algorithm" and she was like "Nooo! I'm reaaalll - You're not an alien, etc" - I said "If I said these things a few years ago, you would have sent me to the psych ward" and she said "I still might!" and walked away.. !

Now, what to do.. The songs are good. Life gets better (Once delusions are broken - And to stop a delusion, it has to fizz out, or be obliterated - People shouldn't perpetuate/endorse others' delusions/Especially if they are from the World Economic Forum communism.. But that's only 8% of the population) - And..

As you can see, all the Karens (Bird chirping) has gone down a little bit (Now that people are dying from vaccines etc), so they will quiet down a little more, and the WEF will have less power. Some people (Even the most awakened) will be watching the news, and be "I can't believe this is actually happening - I thought it would 20 years ago, but I've been disappointed for so many years" (So even they won't believe it).

But anyways, mindfulness is good.. And just being chill.. No agitation, defending your delusions etc.. Just know that life is good, there's love, we support each other, we all make mistakes, many people are fools (Like me for example), and we all have different souls/realities..

I'll update my progress some time later.. Peace.

I took Lion's Mane, Reishi mushrooms and Ashwagandha for stress..

Everything has blown into pieces.. What am I doing here.. Idk..

I'll find my way out of the darkness.. Like I've been doing, for my whole life..

I just need a hug =[ Everyone needs a hug..

I went from suicidal agitation, just throwing stuff around at work. Had a shower, did all hygiene things - I completed cleaning and vacuuming the whole house (For my dad to arrive tomorrow)... 500mg of phenibut and 75mg of pregabalin has improved my mood and relaxed me greatly. I had to take 5mg of diazepam, 0.25mg of clonazepam and 11.25mg of zopiclone last night (Cuz the adaptogen mushrooms and ashwagandha made my heart beat sooo weird.. and my back hurt, the arteries hurt too..).. The benzos relaxed everything, and I fell asleep. Never again!.. I guess I just can't take normal supplements, herbs or mushrooms etc cuz my central nervous system is always activated by stimulant...