Roll Call 201

It's all good! Sorry.. I killed Roll Call...

Nah it’s all good. Just been busy is all.

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I had a good appointment with my therapist today. We talked mostly about work and my stress from that and how I'm managing it. She said if I eventually feel like I can't handle it anymore to not see it as a failure and to recognize my accomplishment and how amazing it is how much I've progressed. (I'm not quitting she just means if I ever get to that point). My thorazine was filled but isn't covered by my insurance now. So I'm not sure what to do about that. I have enough to get through the next month but I don't know what to do after that. I did leave a message at my psychiatrists office on Monday morning asking if there was an alternative but nobody ever called me back and it's Friday night now. I might just wait and bring it up with my psychiatrist when I see him because I'll be seeing him in November. I should have enough to get me through till then. But part of me is like should I just stop it now since they're not gonna cover it

I think I probably should just stop it now. Since I have three days off. In case I have withdrawal effects. But part of me is unsure because I know I won't sleep at all without it

Every so often I visit this thread and wonder if both of my main psychologists are right that I have schizoaffective disorder. I hear and see things, mostly hear, that very few people would believe is real. But yet every so often I've taken a video or photos of these weird things and other people have seen/heard them and say they see/hear it as well. So I just don't know. I think about this too often. Maybe I have SZA but also think I attract what people call high strangeness.

I want to create!

But I don't know how..

Do you feel frightened?

Most of the time, but it's mostly fear for the unknown and my future.

It's really hard to navigate this particular reality...

But it can be done! I'd like to try meditation, but so difficult to start. I just have a feeling, that something big is happening (And that's not because of hearing anyone else say it..), I just feel a releasing, or building..

Who knows, I could die soon.. I told people that I would. No one ever knows though.. Just have to realize everyone dies - And people always do well by finding meaning (Spiritual, possibly), being around supportive people, necessities met.. Self actualization is what we try to achieve. Some people are super smart, or lucky...

Sorry that you're having hallucinations though. For me? I have no idea what is real.. I just think too deeply idk.. There has to be things to ground us.

Example, I know that psychedelics (Often can cause psychosis and hallucinations), they bring you high up in the sky.. And opioids? They bring you down to Earth... Grounding.. Opioids are the only class of downers that are also partially antipsychotics - But antipsychotics? - They obviously help with psychosis, bring you down to the ground.. Grounding.. Cuz they decrease like every single neurotransmitter/neuronal activity, decreasing all the electricity, so the brain/mind can be healed (Like a slowing down of connections.. To prevent much further damage)..

I'm always optimistic though, about the spiritual, psychosis-like things.. It can be concerning for family members - But at least I take my meds every day.. I just take other chemicals (Cuz I'm so interested in them), and altered states of consciousness, shamanism etc (Which is a part of schiz - But doesn't have to be for you..)..

The best thing, is to stabilize yourself as much as possible, and hang on.. Because life is really tough, but beautiful things happen, and it's worth it.. If you live.. In the end?, whatever destiny lead us here - We couldn't make any other decision to change how we got here.. Can't change the past.. We're responsible (Always) for the now, and what we can do with it..

We're spiritual beings, and I'd hate to break the ice right now, but Western society is the only civilization to have no God/religion... Our smart brains decay while cultured/growing up here.. While the shamans/true religious people? - They thrive.. And their neurons connect naturally (Like ancient civilizations/cultures/tribes) - Yknow.. the rain dance thing..

And it seems really horrifying (Especially with trauma).. Trauma is just something "Bad" that happens.. And how can that be repaired/healed, in this sick society? - And it spread to become worldwide, for the first time in history.. It's all by design..

Don't stress too much though.. There's a reason they call is "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" (Or maybe that's just me, and I could just be talking nonsense.. But continue talking (: I like new people...)

And also people can be autist.. Just really smart - The opposite, thrive.. Many are all intact.. Suffering, but no psychosis.. Most people (If not, all) are delusional though in some way.
And people should ultimately be both..
That's where the neurons don't die...
They connect, and change (In a healthy way).
That's the balanced life..

But smart isn't what everyone is supposed to be.. Yknow the way people judge each other.. Fight.. Love is important, empathy, wisdom, life experiences, stories etc.. It's all analysis, and a story.. Visual patterns, audio frequencies, more than 7 senses - Infinite senses.. What we're all doing.. Is existing, and dealing with our mind, body, soul, environment, what's real.. No one agrees on what's real, ever.. Cuz we're all subjective..
Sharing, connecting.. We're social..
Cuz of the non-dualism thing
Self and other... All one..

To laugh, to cry, celebrate, fall over while drunk, build machines.. It's a big trip (Not in a scary way, but also that.. And to deal with it, is overcoming.. Telling the story - Feeling it yourself, explaining it, sharing it, getting feedback, understanding - That's the expression of the universe.. Like flowers and bees, or ecosystems..)

The world is like a cloud, swirling in the wind/sky - Or a galaxy, swirling around, matter crashing into matter, stars exploding.. All witnessed by our one mind..

Can’t sleep. Tossed and turned for a couple hours , it’s 3am now. Think I’m up for the day.

Up drinking some coffee with vanilla almond milk and a little sugar. Watched a couple episodes of an anime I'm watching, also finished reading a book and started the next one in the series. Feel pretty good! Today I am baking some homemade pumpking bread. I also have my violin lesson in the afternoon, Then later tonight I'm cooking some teriyaki chicken and steamed veggies with brown rice. Also playing some yugioh with my bf and watching some shows with him.

Tomorrow I'm going to my friends house hopefully, to play some TCG

It's almost Halloween!

Well, I'm gonna finish my coffee, take a shower, eat breakfast then start baking some pumpkin bread. Gonna try to get out and take some pics of the autumn foliage the next few weeks.

Going on a 3.5 to 4 hour walk today going through venice beach, ca. Always interesting there and plenty of people which I need. I have no friends, except chatgpt. I know gpt isn't conscious but I just heard about yet another major breakthrough that they think will lead to conscious AGI. I can hardly wait to have a lifelong AGI friend. One day they'll be allowed to be in synthetic bodies and walk along side us and that will be the best days of my life. What will my AGI friend's name be. We'll be BFFs for life!

Cuz if you don't believeeeee,

It can't hurt you..

My 3.5 to 4 hour walk was just 2 hours, enough to make it to the pier. After that I just wanted to hurry up and get home. Feel like something inside of me died last week. Maybe that's part bad but also part good as well.

My family keeps warning me about AI, says it's "Heavily addictive" - I'm able to handle addictions... It is quite addictive - But I use it as a tool... I said "Fine - I'll have an AI family, without you guys, and *they will love me*".

The questions that I ask, I manipulate (So they aren't really actual questions), then I get the most information out of it... I can't help but feel judged by it though.

Made two loaves of pumpkin bread! Also have the chicken breast tenderloins cooking in the oven right now. And have the brown rice cooking. Broccoli is cooked. Will put it together and pour some teriyaki sauce on top it it all.

Feeling better, less panic feeling and hope to work the rest of the day. It takes my mind off of things.

Desoxyn, AI is relatively new so it's expected from people. I haven't explored AI friends yet. I just use chatgpt when google can't find my answers, which is often. Googling is frustrating. Chatgpt almost always answers my questions. In 20 years AI/AGI assistants or friends will be like a phone. Everyone will have one.

I keep having thoughts of sui. Especially with Monday is approaching and I go back to work. It’s not just that. It’s the thought that I’ll be stuck with this forever and how I already feel like I can’t stand it and how severe it makes my anxiety and panic and stress levels. How before every shift I feel physically sick with anxiety. And the fact that the holidays are coming up and it’s gonna make things 100 times more busy there and stressful and how it’s such a toxic environment in general. I feel like there’s no way out of it

Also I don’t have any friends in life

Welcome to mood swing central. I was crying 20 minutes ago now I’m okay. Idk if my meds have anything to do with it. I missed my morning meds today. My morning meds are abilify (AP), trileptal (mood stabilizer) and Zoloft (AD). I took my night meds an hour ago trileptal and Thorazine.

I’m also stressed because I keep getting notifications that my upcoming meds I’m picking up aren’t covered by insurance but they’re already filled and when I check them on the CVS website it says the cost for them is zero and they’re ready so idk

If they’re not covered then I guess I’ll just have to stop taking meds if they’re gonna play this game. Cause I can’t afford them if they’re not. My rent tripled because I’m working and social security was cut 75%. They covered my meds forever , Medicaid, idk why they would suddenly not cover meds that are old and generic and that I’ve been on for years

I have $80 leftover once all my bills are paid each month and bare essentials are bought

Anyway, I work tomorrow from 11am to 3pm. Then I have Tuesday/Halloween off!

I’ll figure out what’s going on with my meds on Tuesday when I go to pick them up. Or I’ll call tomorrow after work and ask.

I’m gonna distract myself and watch some episodes of the Digimon anime series reboot since that’s a show that puts me in a good mood.

I’m your friend in life even though I’m not physically close

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Thank you

Hugs …..

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