[Distressed2010]

Hello all,

I'm looking to find helpful ways to stop letting what others stay stick in my head, even if i know its not true.

A little about my past:

I had an abusive childhood, emotionally abusive and sexually abusive.

Age 1-11: I didn't have much abuse since my father was always protective of me and validated ALL my feelings, it was like I was always right.

Age 11-16/17: my brother inlaw sexually abused me and emotionally abused me and invalidated me, embarrassed me, constantly shamed me.

Age 11-26: constant invalidation from my parents, my father became verbally abusive, put downs, and name calling. My mom awefully critical of each and every single thing from how I sit/live/do things/talk/walk/wear/etc etc...

Now, I'm 27. Had 3 months of therapy earlier this year, it was all i could afford. My bf at that time had betrayed me, not the first time that someone has betrayed me. I had a emotional breakdown because he was all i had, I didn't have any "close" friends because I didn't know how to make any as I was never allowed from ages 11-18.

When I had the emotional breakdown, I was very depressed and I had hit rock bottom as I was in a relationship where my bf constantly invalidated me, called me illogical ( i found out I'm extremely perceptive AND logical after I went to therapy and i had good intuition, wasn't paranoid or anything.).. he was verbally/emotionally abusive. When I told him I felt like I had no place to go and felt like dying.. he called the non emergency cops on me, and one of the cops WITHOUT hearing me out, simply asked:

Cop: were you about to kill yourself?
Me: No, I just..
Cop: well, obviously there's some sort of personality disorder there...

He didn't even listen to me! all he did was speak to my bf and after that i dont know what the hell he told him, my bf stopped talking to me and left.

Later I found out, that cop told him to stay away from me and that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. He claimed to be an ex-therapist. He BARELY SPOKE TO ME AND WITHOUT EVEN TALKING TO ME DIAGNOSED ME WITHIN 5 minutes. WTF! (excuse my french but i'm seriously so angry about this incident)

-------------------------

NOW, this is what I'm having issues with, my therapist and I went over the DSM and determined that althougth I do have some traits of BDP, I can't be diagnosed with it because I dont have all.

I dont cut myself
I dont threaten to die
I dont do rash things all of a sudden, no drugs, nothing of that sort, i'm a pretty good kid.
I dont get angry at anyone going out of town/trips.

I am scared of getting hurt of being betrayed and due to this fear, I'm overprotective, sometimes i dont get into relationships because of this fear or because someone might be rude to me in the future.

And I do have a hard time figuring out my career goals but thats because I'm split between my head and heart. By heart I want to be an actor but its so risky that by head, I feel like i should do finance (just got my masters).

-----------------------
So, now i constantly check online from time to time, whether I do have bdp. its stuck in my head so badly!

Oh yes i do get angry but its usually when I'm abused in some way or provoked because it triggers the past for me.

Also, the other day my sister said my hair looks really light, meaning I'm having hair fall. I am aware it doesnt look light but I know my sister does this to me on purpose constantly checking whether she can break down my confidence and usually i'll dismiss it because I catch her game, but it still BOTHERS ME! i start checking whether its true!

And yes i do have a hard time figuring myself out but its not like i'm changing identities daily.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? DO I HAVE BDP ? WHY DO I LISTEN TO OTHERS AND LET IT BOTHER ME?

ANY WAY TO COPE WITH THIS?

Please help!

sorrry about the long post!

[(JD)]

WOW I can't believe no one has replied! Sorry for that.

Have you tried CBT? Changing your thinking as soon as a negative thought comes is a good way to learn to prevent "going there" in the first place. Check out the sticky post in the psychotherapy forum, 10 cognitive distortions and what to do about them.

[Perna]

It's okay to be bothered! Everyone has negative thoughts and worries and sometimes they get stuck for a bit. Keep practicing turning yourself around to look at other things and the worrisome things won't have time to be worrisome. What you focus on is what you "see" so whenever you are thinking thoughts you don't like (they're just thoughts!) think of something else, concentrate on where you're going and you'll be fine.

Even if you have BPD, so what? Most of how we are in life is learned, we're taught certain things when we're younger and it sticks because we have no experience to know better. Now that you're older use your wishes and experience to check out what you think and feel and teach yourself new things about yourself and situation that you feel better about.

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Perna

What you focus on is what you "see" so whenever you are thinking thoughts you don't like (they're just thoughts!) think of something else

So basic yet so wise, Perna!!

Distressed, you've got a lot going on there....both past and present. A long post is great...lets us get to know you better.

Replacing that negative audio tape with something more plesant as Perna says will be very helpful.

Wishing you the best

hi, distressed,

how to stop what others say from sticking in your head? i find that exercise helps a lot. the physical aspect of exercise can help supercede the thoughts in your head, especially a sporting activity in which you have to focus / concentrate to play well. alternatively, i've had success with prayer also (though not so much with meditation even though many others have reported benefits from it).

for instance, if out for a walk, looking at nature or in storefront windows helps me be in the moment and focus on pleasant things rather than hear the nasty old thoughts circling in my head like vultures. when at home, music often is a great distraction (especially if it moves me emotionally) from problem thoughts. i hope this helps!

[Muser]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

hi, distressed,

how to stop what others say from sticking in your head? i find that exercise helps a lot. the physical aspect of exercise can help supercede the thoughts in your head, especially a sporting activity in which you have to focus / concentrate to play well. alternatively, i've had success with prayer also (though not so much with meditation even though many others have reported benefits from it).

for instance, if out for a walk, looking at nature or in storefront windows helps me be in the moment and focus on pleasant things rather than hear the nasty old thoughts circling in my head like vultures. when at home, music often is a great distraction (especially if it moves me emotionally) from problem thoughts. i hope this helps!

I totally agree!!! Replaying those unkind words over and over keeps them stuck in there. Any way you can distract and replace them is helpful. It's not always easy or instant....but eventually you can get past it.

[sunsetsunrise]

I have been misdiagnosed. People do that. Every day. They misdiagnose. I am one of those people who will believe whatever bad that people say about me. Because I grew up having to believe all of the bad things that were told to me. So I do not have a real sense of self. I will take on whatever anyone wants to define me as. Its like the computer program called " me" has been deleted. And the default is sort of picking up fragments of whatever anyone puts in my computer that relates to me. So yes, I would take on a misdiagnosis. And I would be upset about it, if it did not fit. But would not know how to hit the delete button.

But there are ways to work on that. There is a way to slowly re-establish the computer program of "you". As you build that program, the good things you and others say about you will have a place to fit inside. Just my opinion.
IF you live in the USA perhaps you might want to call United way ( usually the phone number is 211) and asking them if there is any low cost mental health counselling in your area. Dont know if this idea appeals to you.

Honestly...I am a bpd...and while I consider myself moderate to extreme.....(more so related to hormonal deficits..as I have no natural progesterone so I suffer severe PMS/PMDD 10 days a month...usually hospitalizations occur in that time frame)I ...with the little you have posted....have to say...in my opinion...you don't sound any degree BPD...no.

[lastyearisblank]

No no no. This is not a real thing. It's made up. How can you go by the diagnosis of a person not trained in mental health who just met you? It is as if a two year old said "you are a poopy head." I hope you do not take this seriously even one little bit (though I can understand with your history, that hitting a nerve, yeesh!! People should be more careful what they say.)

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

hi, distressed,

how to stop what others say from sticking in your head? i find that exercise helps a lot. the physical aspect of exercise can help supercede the thoughts in your head, especially a sporting activity in which you have to focus / concentrate to play well. alternatively, i've had success with prayer also (though not so much with meditation even though many others have reported benefits from it).

for instance, if out for a walk, looking at nature or in storefront windows helps me be in the moment and focus on pleasant things rather than hear the nasty old thoughts circling in my head like vultures. when at home, music often is a great distraction (especially if it moves me emotionally) from problem thoughts. i hope this helps!

hey unhappyguy!

thanks! those are great ideas! unfortunately, they don't work completely:

I think what you're talking about walking in nature is called mindfulness. I have tried exercise and mindfulness, but then when I get home and its just Me and Me, I start thinking about the past...

So, in order to not think of these sticky thoughts, I'd have to be doing something AT ALL TIMES... which is not really possible, sometimes I like to sit. or just stare at the wall, etc..

any other ideas on how to get around that?

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

Honestly...I am a bpd...and while I consider myself moderate to extreme.....(more so related to hormonal deficits..as I have no natural progesterone so I suffer severe PMS/PMDD 10 days a month...usually hospitalizations occur in that time frame)I ...with the little you have posted....have to say...in my opinion...you don't sound any degree BPD...no.

thankyou so much for your input wolfsong.

I also have pretty bad PMS/PMDD. like i get very depressed around those days and very irritated and suicidal thoughts but I've kind of caught the pattern and when I'm going through it, I know that its temporary... my hormones on ecstacy.. but not to the point of hospitilization. I'm sorry you have to go through that.

And thanks for clarifying the BPD thing. I know its a quiet tough to deal with and I think it wasn't the fact that I might have BPD as much as my jerkface ex might be "RIGHT" thing. He always is "RIGHT" in his mind. If he's not, he'll force it on you and put a stamp of "righteousness" on it.

it bugged me coming from my bf, because he's blamed me for EVERYTHING that went wrong inthe relationship and when someone just spit out i have bpd, that was his "closure". When i saw the therapist, he was just like "oh so its just depression? did they say anything else? whats wrong with them? do they ask you questions? do you answer honestly? why are they not diagnosing you???".

Basically he just wanted to shove it down my throat and make ME the culprit for the relationship going wrong, so he wouldn't feel inferior for making mistakes.

But anyway, thanks.

[jk2833]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Hello all,

I'm looking to find helpful ways to stop letting what others stay stick in my head, even if i know its not true.

A little about my past:

I had an abusive childhood, emotionally abusive and sexually abusive.

Age 1-11: I didn't have much abuse since my father was always protective of me and validated ALL my feelings, it was like I was always right.

Age 11-16/17: my brother inlaw sexually abused me and emotionally abused me and invalidated me, embarrassed me, constantly shamed me.

Age 11-26: constant invalidation from my parents, my father became verbally abusive, put downs, and name calling. My mom awefully critical of each and every single thing from how I sit/live/do things/talk/walk/wear/etc etc...

Now, I'm 27. Had 3 months of therapy earlier this year, it was all i could afford. My bf at that time had betrayed me, not the first time that someone has betrayed me. I had a emotional breakdown because he was all i had, I didn't have any "close" friends because I didn't know how to make any as I was never allowed from ages 11-18.

When I had the emotional breakdown, I was very depressed and I had hit rock bottom as I was in a relationship where my bf constantly invalidated me, called me illogical ( i found out I'm extremely perceptive AND logical after I went to therapy and i had good intuition, wasn't paranoid or anything.).. he was verbally/emotionally abusive. When I told him I felt like I had no place to go and felt like dying.. he called the non emergency cops on me, and one of the cops WITHOUT hearing me out, simply asked:

Cop: were you about to kill yourself?
Me: No, I just..
Cop: well, obviously there's some sort of personality disorder there...

He didn't even listen to me! all he did was speak to my bf and after that i dont know what the hell he told him, my bf stopped talking to me and left.

Later I found out, that cop told him to stay away from me and that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. He claimed to be an ex-therapist. He BARELY SPOKE TO ME AND WITHOUT EVEN TALKING TO ME DIAGNOSED ME WITHIN 5 minutes. WTF! (excuse my french but i'm seriously so angry about this incident)

-------------------------

NOW, this is what I'm having issues with, my therapist and I went over the DSM and determined that althougth I do have some traits of BDP, I can't be diagnosed with it because I dont have all.

I dont cut myself
I dont threaten to die
I dont do rash things all of a sudden, no drugs, nothing of that sort, i'm a pretty good kid.
I dont get angry at anyone going out of town/trips.

I am scared of getting hurt of being betrayed and due to this fear, I'm overprotective, sometimes i dont get into relationships because of this fear or because someone might be rude to me in the future.

And I do have a hard time figuring out my career goals but thats because I'm split between my head and heart. By heart I want to be an actor but its so risky that by head, I feel like i should do finance (just got my masters).

-----------------------
So, now i constantly check online from time to time, whether I do have bdp. its stuck in my head so badly!

Oh yes i do get angry but its usually when I'm abused in some way or provoked because it triggers the past for me.

Also, the other day my sister said my hair looks really light, meaning I'm having hair fall. I am aware it doesnt look light but I know my sister does this to me on purpose constantly checking whether she can break down my confidence and usually i'll dismiss it because I catch her game, but it still BOTHERS ME! i start checking whether its true!

And yes i do have a hard time figuring myself out but its not like i'm changing identities daily.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? DO I HAVE BDP ? WHY DO I LISTEN TO OTHERS AND LET IT BOTHER ME?

ANY WAY TO COPE WITH THIS?

Please help!

sorrry about the long post!

Hi I can honestly say I'm quite similar to you,whilst I had a good healthy upbringing I do let others comments stick in my head,I know that they are just throw away remarks to them but I ponder over them,hence why I think certain people are triggers to my depression.
I was also betrayed on several occasions by partners and I just could not figure out why? They never gave an explaination and this made me become almost like a desperate obsessed woman,I only wanted to know why.
I'm currently being diagnosed for BPD,and to be honest I never thought I had anything of the sort,but I do self harm,I become obsessed with stupid things,and everythings black and white to me,there's no in between.
The worst is that the people who say things that start me off is usually my mam,and when I'm so low I can hear her voice going over in my head it drives me nuts!
But have you noticed the remarks are usually made by people with none or limited knowledge of mental health,I bet that cop went on a day course about mental illness and was no therapist,as being in such a profession there is NO way he would make a remark like that,I know this as I'm actually qualified in psychology lol,I just can't sort myself out!
So just think,as I do when someone makes a comment 'yeah and your so perfect too` as everyone has some sort of problem within their lifetime.
I hope I've helped a little I still use the method of thinking of the above when stuff is said,sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't,remember people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! Nobodys perfect
Take care
Jk

[PrincessBuck]

I say pray and ask God to give you peace of mind.

[Amygdalas]

Sorry for a lacking reply, but I would highly recommend looking into meditation!

[Coraline]

Hi Distressed,

I'm learning DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) skills. It was developed from CBT originally for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Like you, I don't have a diagnosis of BPD but I relate to a lot of the issues associated with it and I struggle with life, especially with myself!

DBT skills cover mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. It's very practical, for example it guides you through creating a list of things you can do to distract yourself from painful thoughts (like thinking about the past or worrying about the future) and a list of more pleasurable activities you can do. I think that could be helpful for you when you're at home and it's You and You.

You can do a whole DBT therapy programme but I'm just learning it a bit using a workbook - The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood and Jeffrey Brantley.

I know a lot of people find CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) helpful, but for me it doesn't do enough about creating anything positive or filling the blank spaces in life. DBT (Dialectical BT) does this - it's "strapline" is that it's about building a life worth living. So, I think you would find helpful ideas in the skills for what you're asking about. You'll also find similar ideas within CBT and other places. After that, it's a case of working at it and keeping going. (I think the hardest part isn't finding the ideas about what to do, it's putting them into practice and persevering!)

Good luck

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Also, the other day my sister said my hair looks really light, meaning I'm having hair fall. I am aware it doesnt look light but I know my sister does this to me on purpose constantly checking whether she can break down my confidence and usually i'll dismiss it because I catch her game, but it still BOTHERS ME! i start checking whether its true!

It's okay to check things out with reality but you have to accept your verdict! You check to see if your sister is yanking your chain or not, become satisfied that she is and your hair is not falling out and you move on. If you get the urge to "make sure" you tell yourself you already checked; if you have trouble believing that, when you check, you write it down, "Checked hair thinning at 8:53 a.m., Monday, April 16, 2012, none noted" and you don't let yourself check on hair thinning for at least another month :-)

Do the same with your other sticky thoughts; follow them through to their logical conclusion. If you find a problem, work on ideas how to combat it (just like you have by coming here and trying to get what others say not to stick in your head).

Jingle writers say that the only ways to get a song stuck in your head out is to either sing the whole thing through to it's conclusion or replace it with another song.

I know you said you like to sit sometimes and stare at the wall/just think; but if that's when you have the most problems, you can't do that and get rid of the problem, you are perpetuating the problem instead of getting rid of it. It's like being an alcoholic and not changing your walking route that goes by the liquor store.

Get more active, talking to others and doing things for yourself. "An idle mind is the devil's playground" :-)

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I was reading about self-help and this thread got my attention, even though it's old.

I too am struggling with old "tapes" in my head.

That original post really got to me---not only do I think it's wrong for someone *who is not a psychiatrist* to diagnose someone with bpd, but OMG, your bf leaves because that cop said you had bpd!

Like bpd is some kind of trump card to make ppl stay away from us!

"You're bpd---your bad!"

So hurtful so heartbreaking.

I have been discriminated against because of this label. I am afraid too of being too close to ppl because now I am afraid ppl will *think* I am bpd, even if I don't tell them about having that label.

Billi

[harrietm]

Distraction only works while I am doing it. At the end of the day the thoughts are still there. I can get to the point where I see the logical in my head, but I don't believe it in my heart. To me the only way to really change is to go back to the root of the problem and address what happened in my early life. It's really hard, but I'm starting to work on it. I also simultaneously try cbt skills, such as recognizing disordered thoughts.