Listening to others

I'm getting good at using my own experiences and "I" words but often I don't listen to what the other person is saying, asking, has written and just go off on my own tangent, wherever what the person said "grabs" me as a result of whatever button their words pushed.

My T and I talked a bit in therapy about "interest in" and "curiosity about" the other person; in order to listen well to another you have to want to pay attention and "get" what they're saying rather than just have your turn with your story or idea. Anybody got some ideas on how to remember to stay focused on the other person and what they "want" to express/get across instead of slipping automatically into thoughts of how what they are saying impacts me and what I have to say and my expression of my wonderfulness to the world?

I think my husband has helped me some; he often use to cry out, "You're supposed to be on my side!" because he'd complain about something and I'd try to explain to him why the other person did what they did when what he actually wanted was for me to just listen and acknowledge his confusion and feeling that other people don't always make sense. I have trouble with him sometimes because if he doesn't understand something, he "quits" and waits until the thing/person he doesn't understand makes itself/themselves more clear to him. He doesn't give hints about what he doesn't understand, merely says "I don't understand" and stops! Very challenging

I hear YOU............ and agree - and it is sad that all to often many of us (a million times over) will respond to how the event resonated us instead of listen and then responding to the person who was talking / sharing of a wound or issue within their life.

I personally wish that others would do this more for / with me, and not assume things that are not true about my intentions when I get up enough nerve to share.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

listening also means not personalizing, when we personalize we always get hurt

I learned this in a seminar once...

Replace your *I* statements with *You*

I know how you feel because, I I I

Replace with

You sound upset, you must feel, you you you

I try to follow that.

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nothemama8 said:
listening also means not personalizing, when we personalize we always get hurt

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How TRUE ole WISE ELDER........... YOU are SMART!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Yes. But it is very difficult to convey knowledge when you don't have a personal experience. Should one create a hypothetical story about oneself, just so they can use the "I" scenario? Sigh.

But back to the topic: listening is a learned skill. And on brain fog days, try my best, but it might not happen (listening) very well.

Many times two ppl are saying the same thing but are so "stuck" they can't hear it. That's why this site is kewl, for it allows a third, fourth or fifth entity to interject... and then you can't always use "I" statements

Perna:

I'm sorry for not responding for a couple of days. I saw this post when you wrote it and intended to respond right away but time get away from me.

It seemed to me that you may be confusing two great skills: "I" statements and empathy responses. Read those skills over again carefully and I think you will see that good listening involves a steady focus on what the other person is saying, feeling, thinking (and frankly avoiding what you are feeling or what your opinion is about whatever the other person is talking about).

"I" statements are designed to tactfully express your opinions and feelings, especially ones that are critical of the other person. It is taking your share of the responsibility for what has happened, instead of saying "you are to blame...at fault...you are self-centered...you are a jerk."

Let me know if that doesn't clear things up a bit. You are describing a situation where you want to understand the other person but get distracted when your own button are pushed. A determined steady stream of empathy responsed will do it.

I'm going to move on down this thread. I regret neglecting it.

drclay

Rhapsody:

I want to underline your point that it is a rare but wonderful, respectful, soothing trait to just be a good listener. A whole system of therapy is based on good, active listening, called empathy responding.

If a person has trouble talking to others, learning to respond with empathy can make you into a genuine, caring, insightful friend that anyone would love to have.

Thanks for your comments.

Petunia:

Usually psychologists would say "make "I" statements instead of "you" statements because "you" often come out sounding like accusations.

Let's talk about this some more on the forum. We can practice making good "I" statements and giving active listening (or empathy) responses.

drclay

Hi!

I had a hell of a time finding this thread. Sky has given me directions but I am a lot more interested in responding to posts than I am in learning the rules of the road.

I'm asking for simple directions but I'm afraid that I will never find the post to help me out.

drclay

I've found learning about 'I' statements to be really helpful with respect to distinguishing between my beliefs and reality and my emotions and reality too.

Beliefs can be false to reality, for example whereas reality is true to itself. To see that I'm expressing my beliefs rather than reporting on external reality means that it is possible for me to see things differently (change my beliefs).

Emotions can be responses to the past rather than the present too, for example. Or their intensity can be more a function of the past than the present. To see that I'm expressing my emotions rather than reporting on other peoples intentions means that it is possible for me to conceive of their intentions differently (change my emotions).