[Abby]

***TRIGGER***

I forgot to put a trigger icon on this post. And i don't know how to now, can someone put one on for me? ta.



I want to cut up my arm.
I want blood to pour.
I want to be destructive.

The only reason i'm not doing it right this second is that i am going on holiday in 2 wks with friends and my scars are bad enough without adding fresh cuts.

I'm drinking again because my emotions feel so out of control. And drinking makes everything blurry and unreal.

I don't want to be good or healthy, or responsibe or cope.

I want to be destructive and cause havoc.

I want to cause pain.

I hate this life. I hate that i was born.
I hate that i am this person and that it is my fault i am in this much pain because i can't 'deal' with my emotions like every other normal person!!

I am obviously emotionally inept, unintelligent, weak and lazy because i am dictated by my moods and never learnt to deal with them properly.

I hate.

[Abby]

There is obviously something fundamendally wrong with me.

I don't know what do.....

No....

I'm so depressed.

Please hear me!! I don't know who else to turn to.

I know it is my fault but please, please hear me.

[Bumblez_24]

Oh, hun...it probably doesn't help, but I know exactly what you mean. I'm currently getting yelled at for my cutting. I really don't see why everyone sees it as such a problem. If it's the only thing that works...

I don't think I'm supposed to say that. I think I'm supposed to be telling you not to do it. I guess I'm not the best person to be getting advice from.

Well, stay strong. If you're emotionally inept, unintelligent, weak, and lazy, so am I, and so are a lot of other people. It's not our fault, though. We just need to find a way to work through it. And we will.

Good luck! Do what's best for you. That's the best advice I can give.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( HUGS )))))))

You are soooo not alone. I wish there was something I can do or say that would make you feel better. Just know that I care, because I am struggling along with you, with similar feelings. It is painful to know that you are hurting so badly and I can't reach through the computer screen and sit with you, and tell you that you are worth it.

[notz]

(((((Abby))))))

I know about scars. BTDT. But I do different things now and gratefully manage not to hurt me in that way.

It's true that cutting "works" but I think there's a high "price" for that option. Scars come to mind...no healing happens because of it, that's for sure.

Have you checked the list of other diversionary tactics that "work"? Ya know the sticky at the top?

Physical diversion is still my thing. I have 2 milk jugs filled with water (7.25 lbs each) and I will lift them alternately up and down just as fast as I can. I also run stairs with them. The endorphins get released and it helps.

I hope you can find less damaging ways to cope. I'm in your corner.

[Sannah]

Abby, because of everything that has happened to you and all the support and understanding that you did not get, this is why you find yourself where you are today. If you layed it all out and looked at it, it would make perfect sense why you are where you are today. You didn't choose your family. You didn't choose what happened to you and it wasn't your fault that you didn't get enough help and understanding to make sense of everything.

You can start to understand everything today, however. It takes time and a lot of work but if you get the proper help you can do it. Without help and info from a good therapist it is very difficult if not impossible to heal.

I am sorry that you are in distress.......

[Abby]

I needed people to reach out and listen.
Most of the time i feel noone does.
Then I get out of control and stop caring.
Noone yells at me not to do it, i don't discuss it with my family and drs don't think it is worthy of any real help. My family try and help me but they don't understand it anymore than i do.
I do the distraction things sometimes but i really don't care about not cutting. Sometimes i feel it is the only way to make all this real and show how hurt i am.

Nothing happened to me as a child. I have a good and loving family. The reason i cut is because i get out of control, my mood takes over and i simply don't care enough about myself or life anymore.

I hate drs and i hate therapists.
They don't care.
They think i can cope.
Why won't these so-called professionals acknowledge this is serious and not continually tell me to cope.

They are the problem. Not me. Not my family.
Them.

[Miracle1986]

((((Abby))))

[Sannah]

Abby, I got better by taking my mental health into my own hands. I took help from where ever I could find it. A therapist or a doctor did not make me better. I made myself better with the help of therapists. When I hit a brick wall I kept searching for another way.

Do you have a therapist right now? Do you have an outlet to express how you feel and what you are experiencing?

[dance59326]

Below is a self help impulse control log. It has a model for it's use first. I hope it will help some in their efforts to overcome SI or other issues.

IMPULSE CONTROL LOG

The impulse control log is taken from S.A.F.E and is geared specifically for self-injury but can be used for many types of compulsions.
With the impulse control log it is required that you log down every thought or feeling associated with a particular urge to self injure, whether or not you actually go through with the act or not. In the beginning the goal is that the writing will become a diversion from the act itself. The long-term goal is to understand the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Self-injury itself is a thought, not a feeling. Once you can fully grasp and understand that internally, you can begin to understand that self-injury is a behavior and behaviors can be changed.

Self-injury keeps us from dealing with uncomfortable feelings. Feelings or thoughts we find unacceptable are disguised through self-harming in some way although only a temporary relief is felt. If you feel the need to self-harm there is a feeling behind that, something you need to express.

Using the impulse control log is a good way to make you slow down, think before you act and remind you that you are in control.

Below is a generic example

IMPULSE CONTROL LOG

1.SELF-INJURY THOUGHTS: Burning, Cutting

2.TIME AND DATE: 3/9/07

3.LOCATION: My Room

4.SITUATION: A Friend and I aren't speaking, my boyfriend and I got into a fight, a relative is sick, and I lost my wallet.

5.FEELING: Angry, Upset, Lonely, Frustrated, Alone, And Disappointed

6.WHAT WOULD BE THE RESULT OF SELF-INJURY? If I cut/burn, Then I don’t have to get angry, then I don’t have to cry, then I don’t have to care,
then it won’t matter what they say or do, I can act and appear like I don't care.

7. WHAT WOULD I BE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH MY SELF-INJURY?
That I do have feelings, that I think no ones cares, that I think I don't matter, that it hurts less if I cut/burn myself, that I'm scared.

8.ACTION TAKEN: Ended up running, doing some artwork, and writing in my journal.

9.COMMENTS: My desire to cut or act out is still w/me but I’m challenging the thoughts. Tonight I plan on going to the gym and then to a friends house.
__________________

Feel free to print out this ICL to log your own impulses.
Share whatever you feel appropriate with us as you wish.
__________________

IMPULSE CONTROL LOG

1.SELF-INJURY THOUGHTS:


2.TIME AND DATE:


3.LOCATION:


4.SITUATION:


5.FEELING:


6.WHAT WOULD BE THE RESULT OF SELF-INJURY?


7. WHAT WOULD I BE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH MY SELF-INJURY?



8.ACTION TAKEN:


9.COMMENTS:



Hope this helps!
Peace!

[phoenix7]

((((Abby))) there is so much pain and despiar in your post - I wish there was somthing i could say to help you stop - to realise that you are worth saving - that you do not deserve to be hurt this way - that there are other ways to deal with these emotions.

To stop SI - jmo - but i think you have to not only deal with the emotions that cause you to SI but the reasons behind the emotions - the reasons that are causing the emotional overload. A good T can help with that - I have had ones that did not fit - that did not help - but I have also had 2 wonderful ones that helped me a lot

I stopped SI for over 9 months after seeing one T - unfortunately i could not continue to see him - but the next T helped me too. You have to find the one that fits well with you.

Not being able to deal with your emotions does not mean you are faulty or lazy or anything else - it means you are in a lot of pain and the pain is too much for you at the moment - please try not to be so hard on yourself - ask yourself if you were talking to a friend would you say the things you've said to yourself ... I dont think so.

Please be kind to yourself - seek help if you can and let us know how you are P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

To stop SI - jmo - but i think you have to not only deal with the emotions that cause you to SI but the reasons behind the emotions - the reasons that are causing the emotional overload.

Not being able to deal with your emotions does not mean you are faulty or lazy or anything else

[Abby]

Thanks everyone for your kind support and also really good ideas and advice.

I really need to find a way to control my impulses, unfortunately in the last year or so i've gradually let down alot of boundries that once stopped me from doing any real damage to myself. I think a sense of real hopelessness has led to this. It really is all-consuming and so it is very easy to self harm when on many levels i don't really care that i do. It is hard to be healthy and think about doing the right thing when so often i come to the conclusion - 'why not?'.

I think the main reason SH upsets me so much is that it is seen as an unhealthy way to cope. It is a real visable sign that i'm not able to deal with life like other people. I don't care that my arms are scarred, but i have to hide them so that others don't think less of me. That frustrates me.

I have a therapist, i've been going for 5months but i find it incrediably difficult to have only 50minutes a week. I find i am often very unsafe after the sessions. As bizarre and as ridiculous as it sounds, i'm scared of therapy, i'm scared it will push me down so that i cannot cope at all. Since i have to cope, i'm very unwilling to do/say anything that will put this in jepody. I understand that therapy should be done in small, manageable bits, but my emotions are so intense once they're out that's it, they have to run their course and i can't stamp them back down without SH or/and alcohol.

Dance - that is a really good log idea. I think i will start that, i know that hopelessness is a key reason why i SH but i think it will still be useful in order to see specifically what exactly makes me feel so helpless. I really appreciate that tool, and i hope others on this sub-forum find it useful too.

[phoenix7]

(((Abby)))

maybe you ld tell your T that you are having bad reactions after sessions and they could give you some coping techniques - maybe you could let them know that feeling helpless is a huge trigger for you and they may be able to help.

I hope you find something that works for you to replace SI - be kind to yourself ok

[Sannah]

Yes, Abby, I would also suggest discussing this with your T........