[anna342]

It's been on bbc2 tonight here (in the UK). It's now on the BBC iplayer.

I'm watching it now, I'm 10minutes in and been crying already. It'd probably be sensible to turn it off, but I am too intruiged.

[3velniai]

i can't find it...

[anna342]

Honestly, if you find stuff triggering don't watch it.

It's called World of Pain: Meera Syal.... (I don't know the rest)

It got to me anyway. Left me quite confused about how I feel about me selfharming. Starting to think it's not right. I always thought it was no big deal.

[3velniai]

I found it, but i can't watch it because it's for UK residents only.

IMO self harm is a big deal. Do you have a t who would help you to deal with it?

[anna342]

No, I just got to the top of the waiting list after a long time, and now I have to move away. I have seen a social worker who speaks with me and we have a kind of counselling relationship, but he is a bit more supportive and forward with suggestions n that. I did decide that I wasn't going to see anyone when I moved, but now I'm starting to think I can't just keep making everything seem ok on the outside.

[3velniai]

What i noticed when i started therapy is that it's so much easier when at least one person on earth knows what's on the inside. I'm glad you are starting to think again about seeing a T. Just try it, you can quit if you don't like it

[Sannah]

Therapy is a good idea Anna.........

[anna342]

I'm not so sure I need therapy, or whether it's more that I'm not ready for it. I've been told I'm pretty resistant to techniques tried by my social worker with me. He's not a therapist though, so I'm not sure that he was able to fully engage me as a therapist would. I think it has got to come from me a bit more though, I don't really have much motivation and often just express the opinion that I don't have any problems if something I am faced with seems hard.

I suppose I need to find it within myself to be willing to fully take part in therapy before I make the decision to take it any further.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by anna342

or whether it's more that I'm not ready for it. I've been told I'm pretty resistant to techniques tried by my social worker with me. He's not a therapist though, so I'm not sure that he was able to fully engage me as a therapist would. I think it has got to come from me a bit more though, I don't really have much motivation and often just express the opinion that I don't have any problems if something I am faced with seems hard.

I suppose I need to find it within myself to be willing to fully take part in therapy before I make the decision to take it any further.

Since you have wait lists to deal with maybe get started early? The therapist can also help you work to this point. Yes, you are right, it is in your hands to do this work and heal (with the help of a therapist). You are resistant for a reason. Maybe try to figure that out????

[3velniai]

for me the resistance to go to therapy went away after a month or so. I’m also quite resistant to “techniques” being used if I recognize them (and I’m so good at this), but a qualified T usually has more than a few techniques and there will be at least one that will help you, I’m sure about it. I wasn't very willing to start therapy myself, it just kind of happened accidentally, therefore I think I can understand you. I went through the “I don’t need therapy”, “it won’t help me”, “other ppl have more problems than me and don’t need a T to deal with it”, “I’m fine” and other similar thoughts. My first T had to manipulate a bit to make me come back the first few times, lol. Now I’m happy she did that.

And Sannah is right, if there are waiting lists, it would be a good idea to start early. Anyway, you can quit anytime you want. Just try and see how it goes.

[anna342]

Thanks, I totally understand what you are saying. I think I'm going to get moved to my new place, settle in and sorted, then see what happens and if I feel willing to do it.

[DoggyBonz]

Originally Posted by anna342

Thanks, I totally understand what you are saying. I think I'm going to get moved to my new place, settle in and sorted, then see what happens and if I feel willing to do it.

Hi Anna,
Thanks for posting about what is going on and letting me know about the documentary. It sounds interesting and I am going to try to find it and check it.

I can relate in my own way to being resistent to therapy and uncertain. I agree with your decision to move etc...and then decide. Too many changes at once can be not only disruptive but also confusing.

I was/am extremely resistant to therapy. I have had some bad experiences and I was working with a therapist struggling to not only open up to him but having a really tough time getting beyond some trauma.

What I found out was that I was not alone in feeling that way. As resistant as I am I also want things to be different. It's hard and I struggle with it even after all this time. I don't think it's about finding someone you think that has all the answers, at least for me what I find is it's a growing experience. I just had an arugment with my therapist over something and we talked it through. I have gone in there and told my T that I am feeling really resistant and scared and that has helped. I am also a very private person and was not raised to "trust" anyone.

I guess I just want you to know that being resistant does not need to stop you. It's normal, but if you are SI'ing it might be really helpful to uncover some of the reasons and other ways to cope.

One more thing - I'm also bulimic and what helped me to realize that I needed some help regardless of my fears was a tv documentary that I was watching. By the end I was in a panic and just knew it was time to talk to someone.

Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing...

[anna342]

Thank you Doggybonz (feels weird calling you that, but I couldn't see anything else)!! Very kind words you posted for me.

I don't think I have a problem in opening up to anyone once a relationship has been started, it's just allowing it to start. I think I'm just being honest, I don't believe I'm in denial, but other people seem to think I play down my problems and tell me so. But, no matter how many times this is said I still push it away, because I genuinely think I should be able to cope alone.

I does come to the point quite often though, that I have some panic about something I freak out, cry, SI (not just cutting- ODing, and anything that comes to mind). Sometimes when i'm like this or after when I reflect on it I think to myself how I need something to change, I need to do something. But that soon fades and I go back to thinking I'm fine.

[DoggyBonz]

Originally Posted by anna342

Thank you Doggybonz (feels weird calling you that, but I couldn't see anything else)!! Very kind words you posted for me.

But, no matter how many times this is said I still push it away, because I genuinely think I should be able to cope alone.

I does come to the point quite often though, that I have some panic about something I freak out, cry, SI (not just cutting- ODing, and anything that comes to mind). Sometimes when i'm like this or after when I reflect on it I think to myself how I need something to change, I need to do something. But that soon fades and I go back to thinking I'm fine.

Wow, can totally identify with what you said about being able to do it alone. That is the way I so often feel and felt growing up. That I should be able to handle it - the thing is and it is what I am learning - I don't know how to handle it. I mean my ways are not working and that totally sucks b/c I want them to. SI, O'Ding, purging - so many unhealthy ways that I thought were helping.

I go back and forth with therapy. I take breaks b/c I want to be able to do it alone and feel stupid - like I should be beyond this but I'm not. I am in therapy and I still SI sometimes and purge but I am really getting to the point where I want to stop. Stopping is just the begining b/c I need to deal with what is going on and that scares me but it scares me more to continue the way I am. I hope that makes some sense.

It's always easy to let things fade but I think you know the truth - what you are doing is dangerous and there are other ways to cope. Therapy might not be for you, there are ways of learning how to cope and I just hope that you find them.

For me at least waiting for that "bottom" was never going to come because as you said it fades after a few days. I just wanted something different.

Hope that makes sense.

[phoenix7]

Yep - I should be able to do this alone - there isnt really a problem....now.... I dont need any help - Ive done this on my own and I can stop this on my own....

all thoughts I have had and that still rattle around in my brain somtimes it got to the stage where I was SIing deeper and for longer - several times a day - it was always on my mind....

I have a great T now - he understands and he is helping me to stop - I have stopped for almost 2 weeks I think... disconnected so not sure of times.... but must be two weeks?.... urges still come but I have worked out why I was SIing and that helps - and it was not for the reason i thought it was .. T helped me see that -

I hope once things settle you will put yourself on the list for a T - it will take a time as you have said and by the time you cmoe to the top of the list you may be ready to take the next step - if not you can always cancel

take care P7