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#1
May 22, 2009, 12:03 AM
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ok so I made an appt with a new T today - was very nervous - made call took first appt with first T available - figured let fate sort it out - T that my T had recommended has left so what the heck! - anxiety left and I felt numb... thats ok - I can do numb....
then rebound!!!! on the edge of being out of control - wanting to be self destructive -do somthing crazy and self destructive .... dunno - memories of SA and SI urges pushing me over the edge I guess .... but holding out - did enough damage the other day to leave enough shame behind...... so holding out.... just wish it wasnt like this - I hate the rebound from when I do/have a good thing - logging off - going to get busy busy busy .....holding out - holding on ... not giving in  take care all be safe be well be happy
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!   (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#2
May 22, 2009, 01:00 AM
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(((((Phoenix)))))
 It's going to be ok!
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 notz |
 phoenix7
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#3
May 22, 2009, 02:19 AM
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Im struggling Notz..... I am trying to keep busy - trying to just feel this and let it past - but its not going...... I know what will ground me but I am still holding out ..... its only day 1 with no SI - I have to be able to last a day or..... second by second....
I feel like I cant handle this...but I will, I will, I will, I will...... wish I could run away from me..... wish I could just turn into a phoenix and fly away... disappear into the sky.... I should be better - I have my T appt arranged on the 1st june now - pdoc tomorrow... what the heck is wrong with me!!! ... sorry.... sorry..... I just wish I wasnt alone here..... I guess you get what you ask for lol 
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#4
May 22, 2009, 09:43 AM
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Oh Phoenix! I'm so sorry you're hurting so bad. If I could *poof* make it stop, I surely would.
I keep a list of "distractions" for when I have agitation that could result in injurious behavior. I also have a "distraction" jar where I've cut the list into individual slips. Whichever one I draw, I do - that's my rule. Of course, I create the list when I'm in a good space and change it out periodically to keep it fresh. Making such a list was a great exercise in analyzing various components of my coping skills. Examples are anything from watching a movie to digging a hole, taking a walk/run to checking on my elderly neighbor down the street. Maybe reading this will help inspire you to fashion something new to help you out during this tough time.
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notz |
| Kiya, phoenix7
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#5
May 22, 2009, 10:08 AM
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Quote:
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
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#6
May 22, 2009, 05:48 PM
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probably... doesnt matter.
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#7
May 22, 2009, 09:09 PM
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((((((((((((((( phoenix )))))))))))))))))
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| phoenix7
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#8
May 22, 2009, 11:35 PM
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P7, it matters. I did the same before my dissability apnt. See if you can find the cognitive connection underneath (i know, I'm a hypocrite). Write about the connection you find - see if you can find a new outcome. Hoping the best for you.
***hugs***
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image.   alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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| phoenix7
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#9
May 23, 2009, 07:49 AM
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Thanks Fuzzy
Kiya you are not a hypocrite - you are human - an unfortunately so am I - would rather be one of my kitties 
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
| Kiya
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#10
May 23, 2009, 10:16 AM
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(((((((((((phoenix))))))))))))))))
Rebounds suck. So does the anxiety and stuff when seeing someone new... I hate those feelings. I wish I could take the bad feelings away and the memories... you will get through this. Take it as it comes. Write here if it helps. Write a lot.
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| phoenix7
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#11
May 23, 2009, 01:41 PM
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((((((((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))))))))))
I wish i were a kitty too.
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#12
May 23, 2009, 07:21 PM
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Quote:
This is a long reply... P7 - you are human and what you are going through sounds really normal and frightening. You are making really awesome choices and stepping into the unknown and that is SCARY!!!  You are not rebounding you are reacting and it's the best you can do right now. If other options were there you would take them but at the moment you don't know how. Would you fault a 15 month old who is learning how to walk for falling down? Would you call that rebound? Here is the great thing - that baby will keep trying and not think of themselves as a failure for learning how to walk unless someone tells them otherwise. You were told you were a "bad, worthless, a failure" chose anyone of them. That was not something you chose to believe about yourself - it was something you were taught. You are learning how to choose differently - thus my friend - you are NOT rebounding - you are reacting. That is not a choice - it's a reaction. The point is - you are doing AWESOME - and this stuff is hard. It's spending time on a daily basis in that safe place, reprograming yourself to believe that you are worth it, being gentle with yourself when you make mistakes etc... it's spending at least 5 minutes a day being patient with yourself - or any of the above. It's looking at those flashcards and believing them.  BUT you have been living this way all your life so please give yourself a chance to learn new behaviors. Making that appt., is HUGE!!!  It sounds like somewhere along the way you forgot to give yourself credit for taking those steps - you'll get there and be doing marathons - it just takes time and BEING GENTLE & FORGIVING WITH YOURSELF.  I hope this made sense - I am struggling many of the same issues - I don't mean to make it sound simple it's not - but you are worth it - and I am here to help if I can. |
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#13
May 23, 2009, 07:48 PM
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thanks Doggybonz for shedding some light..... yes you are right - its a reaction to the events that are happening in my life at the moment - its very scary seeing a new T - but I have pdoc and he is helping a lot and I have PC and that is helping me too.
any you are helping me Doggybonz - thankyou I am sorry ou are struggling at the moment - if I can do anything to help - let me know ok - its a 2 way street. being kind to myself..... stil working on that....
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
| DoggyBonz
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#14
May 23, 2009, 08:04 PM
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 my dear friend! I am so proud of you...you deserve the best, and having a T is one of the things you and even I need to start the healing process. I really understand how you're feeling right now...I feel the same way right now, but luckily, we both have PC...I am so grateful for this site, as I got to know so many wonderful people, and one of them is you! Also, I agree with Doggybonz's post. Take care and please keep us informed about how your app with your new T goes!
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Always aim for the moon...even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
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| DoggyBonz, phoenix7
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#15
May 24, 2009, 12:19 PM
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((((((((((((((p7)))))))))))
Supporting you!!!! you are a great support to me also.
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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| phoenix7
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#16
May 25, 2009, 10:25 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
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#17
May 25, 2009, 11:08 AM
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Yes, everybodys feelings are important.
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| phoenix7
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#18
May 25, 2009, 07:43 PM
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Phoenix, how are you today????
((((((((((((p7)))))))))))))))
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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| phoenix7
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#19
May 25, 2009, 08:11 PM
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Falling down...... daily..... peole at work noticed the marks - thought I had hidden them - new T monday - fingers crossed!
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#20
May 25, 2009, 10:14 PM
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is it going ok for you at work?
I remember my boss always noticed - i'd say oh, cat scratch or rose bush or... oh it's nothing I just... and change topics fast. if my co-workers noticed, they never said. let us know how new t goes! (((((((((p7)))))))))
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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| phoenix7
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#21
May 26, 2009, 08:10 AM
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2 of the other nurses noticed - one asked if I was self harming
 I said no just being clumsy and laughed ! but I dont think they believed me - the marks are covered now I put a dressing on them that way they cant see that they are cuts told people it was to cover an allergy rash - and .... dunno.... not really thinking..... they havnt said anything else and I make sure the others are covered. I am so .... dunno for doing this - this will prob be the worst I have SI'd ever.....grrrrPdoc Sat and new T mon - so I will be therapied out by Tuesday lol take care one and all - be safe be well be happy P7 p.s., I have not SI'd today - so day one down again
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#22
May 26, 2009, 09:04 AM
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My dearest friend Phoenix!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
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#23
May 30, 2009, 04:51 AM
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have been staying away - triggery - cancelleed new T saw an old T i saw a long time ago instead - he said he would see me and I am sooooo happy - he is a great T - and he doesnt want me to hurt myself anymore cos he wants me to have a better life and get better and he wants ot help me do that
and I trust him and he makes me feel safe  he asked me to promise not to hurt myself anymore and I did - but I am so afraid.... and I want to SI to ground myself but I promised i promised i promised ....I am so afraid................... afraid afraid afraid afraid afraid...............
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#24
May 30, 2009, 05:55 AM
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I am happy that you decided to see someone that is familiar to you, but is it realistic to promise something like that to him? I don't mean to sound unrealistic but that is a lot given what has been going on and I would hate to see you, set yourself up for failure. Could the promise be different or not at all but rather that you will try to not SI? I'm not saying you will, but if you do SI, then you might feel like you did something wrong and feel shame when talking to your therapist. Dunno - maybe I am wrong. With my T, no promises but she is also not asking. The resources to have other things takes time. You are in the process of getting those. Be well |
| Sannah
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#25
May 30, 2009, 06:58 AM
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wish I hadnt promised Doggybonz.. but i have and I have to deal with it .... thanks
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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