[thinker22]

For the first time in my life, I've had thoughts of cutting myself. This is very strange because I hate the sight of blood and needles. Makes my palms sweaty, my heart race, and I nearly passed out when I gave blood once (a pint as opposed to just samples).

As a child I used to see how much pain I could stand as I felt numb or depressed most of the time. I'd clamp a vice tighter and tighter on a finger or sink my teeth into myself or hold my hand over a flame as long as I could stand. Also smacked myself until I saw flashes of white with my eyes closed just to complete a task or told myself I was worthless if I didn't achieve a certain standard. But never cutting.

I'm afraid to tell anyone. Haven't told my P-doc or my T any of this. Are thoughts really a problem if you don't act on them?

[3velniai]

I think you should tell to your T, because everything starts as just a thought. Why don't you want to talk about this with T or pdoc?

[thinker22]

I guess I don't want to tell either of them because I doubt I'll act on it, yet I'm kind of curious about how it would feel and that makes me think I'm sick. I know I'm f***ed up in the head already due to childhood abuse, but I feel like I should be over this self harm stuff. I've heard/read that once you start it can become addicting and I don't want to get addicted to it, but if I tell them I don't want my meds to be drastically upped so I become a zombie. I'm already on 3 medications, but still depressed. P-doc is ordering Lamictal, so maybe that will stabilize these thoughts. I'm not taking enough Seroquel for it to stabilize my moods (as I was recently diagnosed bipolar), just enough to sleep. Effexor doesn't seem to be helping either. I'm just lying around all day or else posting on here. I don't want to leave the apartment, but that's nothing new.

[deliquesce]

i have a needle phobia (cry when giving tiny samples, need anti-anxiety meds to even get me into the room) and yet i've had a problem with cutting since i've been 14.

i would encourage you to tell your pdoc or T. i have told mine when i have started having thoughts about it again (i dont do it anymore, really - but i definitely used to be addicted to it). neither of them have suggested that i increase my meds. my therapist has talked to me about the stuff that keeps bringing it up for me (uni task completion is a big one) and my pdoc has helped me find other things to do instead.

it helps a lot to have support through this. if you voice your concern about not wanting to tamper with your meds even more, i am sure it will be respected .

[thinker22]

I'll try hard to mention it in my next session if I can. I'm still scared to, though, and may chicken out.

My eyes water as well when I have to give blood and I can't even watch them put in the needle or I freak. They always look at me like I'm going to hyperventilate, but I'm usually fine once the bandage/cotton ball is on.

I haven't hurt myself in any way in quite some time, but I'm often tempted to when I feel so bad I just want to feel pain rather than sadness. A little adrenaline rather than listlessness. Thanks for the thoughts.

[Slothrop]

The first time I saw my psychiatrist, I told her about my self-harming (suicidal) thoughts. She didn't bombard me with meds or tell me to go to the ER or anything like that. But she was clearly concerned, and took it into account over time when figuring out which meds might work.

I don't *think* I'll actually harm myself, but you never know...the feelings can descend very fast. It's good to talk about it with your psychiatrist.

[thinker22]

My T is out of town until thurs and my P-doc is rarely in over the summer. My appt w/her is a week from thurs. So, there's no one around to tell anyway, which is probably why I wrote about it on here. I'm seldom alone, b/c I live w/my SO, and I wouldn't do anything w/him here. I'll keep myself busy in the mean time, but damn I'm tired all the time and can't focus for longer than it takes to write a post. Feeling so unproductive. Wish there was some sort of implant where I could just turn up the dial and get happy and energy. Sorry to complain. I know everyone's feeling crappy at least some of the time. I'll keep in touch if the feelings get worse. Thanks guys. Those hug smileys are so darned cute!

[deliquesce]

i hope this post doesn't come across as flippant or anything, but i really do find it helps me keep my urges under control if i go for a run (or do some other hard physical activity that gets the heart pumping).

[thinker22]

Nah, I don't think you're being flip. I realize I need to get out and exercise, but it has to be low impact. I'm currently dealing with some physical issues that make me very tired and weak, so I'm waiting to see a regular doc about that before I can even get out and walk again.

I'll be okay. Just need more sleep. Last thing I need is more blood loss. Yikes!

[deliquesce]

damn about your physical stuff . i hope you can get to a doc soon and get it sorted out pronto!

just for the record: i think you're being really great trying to seek help for this before you act on it. lean on us until you can discuss this with your pdoc, and we will continue to support you afterwards, too .

[dance59326]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

damn about your physical stuff . i hope you can get to a doc soon and get it sorted out pronto!

just for the record: i think you're being really great trying to seek help for this before you act on it. lean on us until you can discuss this with your pdoc, and we will continue to support you afterwards, too .

Yes, physical stuff sucks a million! I hate it, I also feel so limited
thinker22, it's ok to have negative urges/thoughts, just don't act on them.
I think that one of your big issues is that when your physical body is not feeling up to par, your emotional body also slumps downward because there isn't a balance there yet
please try to stay safe, sending you warm wishes,
dance59326
Feel free to PM me anytime
I'm always open to talk about whatever is up

[dance59326]

Originally Posted by thinker22

I guess I don't want to tell either of them because I doubt I'll act on it, yet I'm kind of curious about how it would feel and that makes me think I'm sick. I know I'm f***ed up in the head already due to childhood abuse, but I feel like I should be over this self harm stuff. I've heard/read that once you start it can become addicting and I don't want to get addicted to it, but if I tell them I don't want my meds to be drastically upped so I become a zombie. I'm already on 3 medications, but still depressed. P-doc is ordering Lamictal, so maybe that will stabilize these thoughts. I'm not taking enough Seroquel for it to stabilize my moods (as I was recently diagnosed bipolar), just enough to sleep. Effexor doesn't seem to be helping either. I'm just lying around all day or else posting on here. I don't want to leave the apartment, but that's nothing new.

Yeah, seroquel is ok as a sedative, but not good for long-term issues
Yes, cutting and self-harming is very addicting
Lamictal is the only thing that will help me with 75mg of seroquel
Lamictal = 350mg for me

[dance59326]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i have a needle phobia (cry when giving tiny samples, need anti-anxiety meds to even get me into the room) and yet i've had a problem with cutting since i've been 14.

i would encourage you to tell your pdoc or T. i have told mine when i have started having thoughts about it again (i dont do it anymore, really - but i definitely used to be addicted to it). neither of them have suggested that i increase my meds. my therapist has talked to me about the stuff that keeps bringing it up for me (uni task completion is a big one) and my pdoc has helped me find other things to do instead.

it helps a lot to have support through this. if you voice your concern about not wanting to tamper with your meds even more, i am sure it will be respected .

Yes, tell ur pdoc or T, they will be rational with their decisions if you too can also be rational while telling him/her
hiding things under the table is really only going to crete dammage done to urself
if u do tell ur T, then he/she can teach u skills to help get through ur urges and issues relating to it
Try to stay safe and keep me posted, feel free to PM me anytime
thinking of you alot and sending you warm wishes,
dance59326

[thinker22]

I'll try my best to tell one of them (my docs) when I can, but I appreciate everyone's support in the mean time. You are all so understanding. I feel like a freak sometimes! I hope Lamictal will help, yes, because this sadness and tiredness is getting unbearable. I'm losing my appetite, losing weight, feeling weak, etc. Might be physical or just the depression. Probably both. I have to go to work tomorrow and I just hope I don't pass out and can perform my duties.

[dance59326]

Thank-you for staying safe
Keep up all the great work
Remember, if you keep honest and down to earth, your treatment will be in your best of interest
~dance59326

[thinker22]

More thoughts of self harm today. Aren't even words for how I feel. Gaping hole of depression ripping my guts out. On the way home I thought of finding a sharp instrument to shove into my jugular. I won't do it, but that's how bad I feel. Like I'm already dead, but the pain of feeling this way tells me I'm still alive. And I don't want to live feeling this way. It feels like it never ends. I feel like giving up on days like this.

[Tumnus]

Originally Posted by thinker22

More thoughts of self harm today. Aren't even words for how I feel. Gaping hole of depression ripping my guts out. On the way home I thought of finding a sharp instrument to shove into my jugular. I won't do it, but that's how bad I feel. Like I'm already dead, but the pain of feeling this way tells me I'm still alive. And I don't want to live feeling this way. It feels like it never ends. I feel like giving up on days like this.

I've had very similar thoughts before, some a bit more violent or grotesque, some less so. Keep fighting day by day. My T has been very helpful to me in working with these thoughts. They rarely come any more and after my recent slip-up I'm finding it's much easier to get back on track than it ever used to be. My pdoc kinda freaked when I told her about cutting and wanted to raise my meds. If you're afraid of that I'd feel things out first and maybe just tell your T to start with. Either way, one of them really should hear these thoughts so they can help you better. PC will give you all the moral support in the world in the meantime!

[Slothrop]

Originally Posted by thinker22

It feels like it never ends. I feel like giving up on days like this.

It sucks. Hang in there...things can and will get better.

[deliquesce]

((((darling thinker))))

i'ms sorry i receivd your pm but havnt replied yet. very tired myself, btu i will try tomorrow.

just sending you some love right now and wanting you tknow im thinkign about you.

[thinker22]

I called my p-doc last night and left a message. Miraculously, she called me back. I thought it would take days as usual. She told me I can stop the Effexor, slowly wean myself off it and I have an appt w/her tomorrow. I still feel pretty bad, but at least we're trying something different.

Thank you everyone for your support. I'm so exhausted right now. I even told her my strange thoughts about cutting. Somehow it's easier on the phone than in person. She wants me to go to emergency room if thoughts get unbearable. My guy is always around, so I don't think it will be too much of a temptation, although I get worried if he has to go out shopping or something. He works at home on the computer.

Hugs to everyone. I so badly just want to feel better, but you know how the deep sadness weighs you down like lead and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[deliquesce]

(((((((((thinker))))))))))))

thank you so much for the update, i was really concerned about you last night. i am so relieved that you have an appt with your pdoc today. does she know anything about the physical stuff going on? i have told my pdoc about it before (similar situation to yourself), and he said it was really important for him to know because it helped inform his medication choices.

i will head over to that other thread you mentioned and reply about that stuff there.

[thinker22]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

(((((((((thinker))))))))))))

thank you so much for the update, i was really concerned about you last night. i am so relieved that you have an appt with your pdoc today. does she know anything about the physical stuff going on? i have told my pdoc about it before (similar situation to yourself), and he said it was really important for him to know because it helped inform his medication choices.

i will head over to that other thread you mentioned and reply about that stuff there.

Yeah, she already knew about the physical stuff from my other doc. It didn't seem to matter today (or rather yesterday) as I had hypomania in spite of it. So, she prescribed Lamictal and gave me the official bipolar dx, although we'd already figured it out with my therapist. I start it sunday. Joy. Hope it doesn't cause a rash and that it actually helps! Thanks for asking.

[dance59326]

I'm on Lamictal, there is a very tiny chance that you would get the rash, about 98% of not getting the rash, however, if you do see one, tell your p-doc as soon as possible! That is really dangerous and is considered a medical emergency.
Wishing you the best
dance59326