I'm going mad

I have to be quick about typing this.

I won't be able to check this thread again for a week, but please feel free to reply anyway. I will check it.

I used to self-harm several times a day, several dozen times a day until my arms, my wrists, my legs and the sides of my torso were covered in deep cuts. I would burn myself with the hot glue gun, or the iron, or a lit candle. I hid it all from my mother and sister, the only people who ever saw me because I lived with them, with long sleeves and sometimes gloves or arm bands.

Since I've been living with my boyfriend, I haven't self-harmed for four months. It's been driving me mad. I'm edgy, I'm angry, I cry all the time and he doesn't understand why. Because I haven't explained. I can't. He knows I used to self-harm but I can't do it any more. I don't really need to.

Or, I shouldn't.

I don't understand what's wrong - it's more like I'm addicted to pain and I need my fix and then I won't be so angry or edgy or depressed. Everyone else here is trying to find ways to stop cutting, but I desperately need the releif of deep, searing pain without any permanent marks and I don't know how to do it. I need help. I need some sort of relief, and fast.

I believe we all do something cruel to our selves when we don't feel we're good enough.

It could be eating.

Just not like our appearance so contanstly being cruical = me

Always thing negative = me (eeyore)

BUT - when the time comes WHICH IT WILL - the thing is you'll always have the scars to show where you were.....
Though it will NOT be where you are NOW

Hurting your self ... may be because you feel you deserve it.

Or a type of release ....

I don't know, but as you get better I don't believe you're going to have to constantly see the reminders.

Though I tattoo as my self abuse to feel the pain - I have the tattoos to
always see.
But I look at them NOW as where I've been. ...
Hugs to you Hopefully I've said nothing now, as I am not where you are.

Welcome to PC, glad you're here.

((((((((((((Angua))))))))))))

It sounds like a self-injury addiction. Nothing about what you said sounds weird or bad or out of place, it IS about coping and it IS about the pain. We all do it for different reasons.

Okay, congrats on not SIng for 4 months. That's GREAT!

What about seeing a counsellor? Or talking to your doctor? Having outside help is really necessary to stop, having someone physically THERE to help you through. You don't need to tell the BF, but perhaps you *could* tell him that you're not having a good time right now - and explain it like being addicted to drinking, like an alcoholic. It's sorta the same, and it's usually easier to understand for those who don't understand SI.

(((Angua)))

I hope I didn't say anything wrong - I just wanted to help and don't want you to hurt yourself any more.

And no matter what scars you have or whatever you're still a beautiful person.

are you seeing a T - its hard to stop without help - 4 months is great well done!!!

there must be a reason you feel you need to have pain - and that is what needs to be dealt with - a T can help with that and the urges can get less and be manageable ..

please take care of you ok be safe

WANTED to claifiy I DON'T do the Pain thing anymore by getting tattoos.
In fact I don't think there isn't too much room left.

i am glad you dont do the pain thing anymore - thats great

I've thought of it as an addiction before. But if it is, will I ever be rid of it?

Thanks. I can hardly believe it myself.

I've been seeing a counsellor for a short while now, she knows I used to SI but doesn't know that I still feel the urge to. For a while, I didn't. And now I do again.

The thing is, my BF's ex used to SI to manipulate people. I know he'd be disappointed if he knew I was triggering again, and I really don't want to disappoint such a wonderful, supportive person. In equal measure, I don't want him to think I'm trying to manipulate him through my SIng. I'm not, but I don't want him to think that. I don't want him to connect me to that girl he hates so much.

[quote=phoenix7;1070122]are you seeing a T - its hard to stop without help - 4 months is great well done!!!/quote]

Thanks, and as I said, I am seeing a T.

I feel I need to have pain because it's the only releif I get. I get stressed and angry very easily, but I turn the stress into anger and all the anger inwards. I hate myself. That's slowly getting better but I still do. And I'm going through an identity crisis, which isn't helping.

I also feel that I deserve pain, that I'm a horrible person and deserve punishment.

then thats what you need to work on the fact that you hate yourself - I am working on that too - its mainly things that were done to me and said to me that makes me think that - is it the same for you?

I am trying to let go ofthose voices.... I hope you can too.

Yes, it is the same for me. I've been abused all my life. Most of it was sexual abuse, and that's caused me so many issues that I can't even think about sex without old memories resufacing...I can't let go of the voices...

Define "be rid of it" for you. You can get rid of most of the thoughts, you can change your behaviours so you don't automatically jump to self-injury to cope with things that happen - but sometimes the thoughts will reappear, and usually it takes a while to manage your "triggers" that would lead to self-injury.

Tell your counsellor. Dealing with it NOW is easier than dealing with it later. Trust me on this one, I'd give anything to be able to go back and have gotten help sooner.

Some people DO use SI to manipulate people, but you don't sound like that kind of person. (Most) people who SI don't tell anyone, because they want to avoid that sort of stigma - that they're doing it for attention. Yes, sometimes it IS a cry for help, but sometimes it's just done to cope. If he's a supportive and wonderful person - I'm hoping he'd trust you enough to believe that you're not doing it for attention. You're also just experiencing the thoughts - but you're not doing the actions, which is totally against the idea of using self-injury for manipulative reasons!!

I'm so sorry. You must learn to love yourself. People care about you.

is it that you cant let go of the voices because you still believe them... I know how that feels....

T is helping me to work out that these voices are WRONG! but it is hard...

they are wrong and in time you will get to know that - what they did was wrong - you did nothing wrong - I am so sorry this happened to you ...

I want to send you hugs but dont know if ok so hugs if ok

Thank you, all of you. I will tell my therapist next time I see her and my boyfriend when I get up the courage to.

And Phoenix, hugs are always okay.

((((((Angua))))))

I am glad you are going to tell your T - I hope t helps you - we are here if you need support ok