[catgirl]

I don't know why i cut and burn. Sometimes I know the triggers. This last time was on Monday after my psychologist appt. During the session, I went into a state he referred to as disassociation. I felt ok when I left, just down and strange. My psychologist said my reaction displayed was typical of PTSD. This is a fairly recent diagnosis. I don't remember things he wants me to remember. Today, I'm really depressed. I've had anorexia in the past and am really freaking out about the seven pounds I have left to lose. I'm 5'4" and 107lbs. I need to be 100lbs. as soon as possible. It's already June--bikini season. I'm in my thirties and feel old. I hate always feeling depressed, tired, and hungry. What's weird is if I can get on a starvation mode and not eat for a week, I start to drop weight and my depression lifts. I'm just really frustrated, lonely, etc. I feel like cutting and burning again, but I've confined myself to one spot and my last hasn't healed yet. I've never burned an open wound before and don't know what would happen if I did. Also, this time my whole wrist swelled up and kept saturating my band aid with this clear liquid stuff. I don't even know why I'm writing. Guess it's cause there's no one to talk to right now.

[Rapunzel]

(((((((catgirl))))))))

You're welcome to come here and write when you need to. We're an understanding group, and a lot of us have been there. I feel like it really helps to be able to talk to other people who have had some of the same kinds of experiences that I have.

It sounds like you have a lot going on. More than I can hope to address with you here, and it's going to take time and working through it with your therapist. There is no substitute for that. There is a book that helped me to understand a lot (well, I read a lot of books, but one that I feel impressed to tell you about right now). That is "Women Who Hurt Themselves," by Dusty Miller. I got it from the library by requesting it - interlibrary loan. It might help you to understand some of why you feel like hurting yourself in various ways.

Also, on the weight issue, I'm shorter than you are and finding it interesting that being less than 100 pounds seems desirable to both of us. I want to lose 25 pounds, but I don't think I ever will be able to. I guess that 100 sounds good since it's a nice, even number. I wonder if it would help to consider that numbers on the scale are really pretty arbitrary. In the metric system, 50 kg makes a good, even number. That translates to 110 pounds, which is a little more reasonable maybe, and you're already under it. I'm still stuck at 55 kg, but even 5 kg over doesn't seem so bad as it would in pounds somehow. Still, wanting to be extremely thin is another way of hurting yourself, so that's another thing to consider.

Oh, and I don't like the sound of your wrist. It sounds like it could be infected or something. Would you consider letting a doctor see it?

Take Care,
Rap

[catgirl]

thanks for writing back. i almost started crying because it's so easy to get lost in that state of aloneness--feeling like no one gives a d... then, there are these words that are written to you by a faceless name but nevertheless, you know there's another out there who does care. my wrist? well, i guess i'm in such confusion that i didn't clarify the present condition--an open wound but the swelling has gone down and the oozing is less. i just was trying to verbally talk myself out of redoing it before it was even healed because each time it seems to get worse. has anyone else out there had similar experiences to repetitive burning and cutting one area? also, i wrote the book down that you suggested and will check it out at the library. right now i have a few on eating disorders. i'm almost finished with "stick figure". the 100lbs is my own self imposed limit to weight loss because for some reason if i slip below 100, it's a slippery slop that i quickly fall off. i've been in the hospital twice for anorexia. the time after i was put on heart medication was when i set up this 100lb "safety" net. thanks so much for the warm welcome. it really does help to hear that others understand.

[Hope4me2]

Welcome Cat,

Just wanted you to know your not alone in your feelings..I feel your loneliness even with my own family around me right now I feel so VERY alone in my pain.......I too am a cutter.....strange you should ask about burning in the same spot....well I cut in the same spot and mostly during the warm months so I can keep a BIG extra large bandaid on it and not cause my arms to be all cut and burned up and attention drawed to them....so found it easier to just keep cutting in the same spot....one it starts to heal I just slit it again and again....and yes I have the trouble getting it to stop bleeding....I take a mini pad and cut in half and attach to the bandaid....lol it works.....
please keep posting and keep talking to us we all totally understand where you at in your feelings.......I also purge.....have been for awhile now.....getting hard to get my self to throw up....UGH hate that.....I wish I could say I weighed what you two weigh....but I weigh what you two weigh together.....UGH I am a FAT PIG disgusting..I weigh 210 I want to loose some weight sooooooooooo bad but I cant......cannot shed a pound not matter how many less calories I cut out of my diet...and me being upset with my T lately and my depression being so BAD and me HATING myself I have been purging after each meal....if not I get VERY anxious and I have to run to the bathroom..... so see your not alone Catgirl.....welcome again and hope I did not disgust you with my details....

[(JD)]

Make sure you read in the other forums you mentioned dx's for... PTSD and Dissociation... perhaps you will find some of your answers there?

I was wondering how convenient are your tools for cutting and burning? Do you keep them handy, or when you find them, throw them away? This is a coping mechanism... and while you need to work to find a better way to cope, please make sure you stay safe when you do this.

Now that your T is helping you realize things you may not have understood about yourself, you can hope to work through this in the future... (((hugs)))

[catgirl]

nothing you spoke of disgusts me. i suppose that's what wrong with people like us. these things are "normal" to us. i don't throw up my food. about ten years ago i tried rather unsuccessfully. i ended up in the hospital with pneumonia because i aspirated food into my lungs and ended up with a reflux problem that i needed medication to correct. the drs. said if the problem wasn't fixed then they would do some type of surgery which would result in no being able to even burp when i needed. guess that scared the crap out of me. since then, the only time i've thrown up is when i had morning sickness which i tried hard to fight against. i have had problems with laxative abuse, chew/spit, not eating nor drinking, compulsive exercising, bingeing, diet pills...just about everything else i could think of. these are all very embarrassing to admit but i know that anyone who has an ed. thinks nothing of it. please, don't believe that those with ed. at lower weight than you can't relate to the same feelings you go through. if you could put my mind on a screen, what i see is the same as what you see when you look in the mirror. i know this because i saw fat no matter how low i got which was 78lbs. at my worst. thanks for welcoming me into the forum. it's a comfort to know that there's a place i can go when i feel alone. oh, and the cutting in one place made sense to me too. i once made two perpendicular slices--one across my chest and the second from top chest down to just above my belly button. i decided i didn't want to be a chopped up mess so i confined it to my wrist. it's a little frustrating because sometime i feel the impulse to burn/cut before my last episode is healed. the anxiety really builds then when i don't have an outlet.

[catgirl]

thanks for your suggestions. i keep skimming the other forums and looking up resources mentioned. i'm gathering some info. but still don't seem to have a good grasp on understanding it all. the tools? well scissors are ones i for clipping eyebrows (very tiny, sharp, pointed). i use a screw driver for burning. so it's usually in my tool box. i'm a single mom and have learned to do some things on my own. right now, i'm putting together some cheap metal shelves to put in the boys' closets. i have ADD and typically, I've had a hard time finishing my project. i don't know about getting rid these "tools" because i use them for other constructive activities. it's kinda like when i went through a spell of cutting with knives. i eventually just gave it up. the knives are still in the kitchen drawer. you need knives in the kitchen for food. i hate to sound like i'm making excuses. i'm just sharing the realistic implications. it's not as simple as just getting rid of them.

my T is very good but i've gathered that progress will be slow. also, i don't want to delve into my past. i don't want to remember. that triggers all kinds of crap and what good is it anyway? what's done is done. can anyone tell me why T's want you to talk about your past and try to remember things you can't remember?

once again, thank you all for caring enough to write. i can't tell you how much it really does help me feel better just to know there are others out there who share similar issues

[Rapunzel]

Not all Ts want you to dig into your past and remember stuff. There are different theories. You really can go overboard with focusing on the past (my T draws from various theories and psychodynamic, which emphasizes the past a lot, is one of the main ones she uses, and she calls me out for dwelling on the past too much, since it's so long ago and we can't change it, and we really need to focus on the present). There are some things from the past that we do need to understand though. There are feelings that we have now that come from the past. If we understand where those feelings originated, then we can recognize that it isn't something happening now, and we can let go of it. There are also patterns that were established in the past, that persist now, and many of them are not working too well for us in the present. Discovering where those came from can also help us to change the patterns that are hurting us now.