[puzzclar]

Darn, I have to start the count over. I just didn't realize what I was doing while doing it. I just hope that i can be stronger for the next time. But I did start to realize what was going on before the SI. I realized that I had been alone before I had done it and, a little discouraged. I just got in that "mode" where things just got to bad. The Menatal pain is just becoming to much to deal with, and I don't know how to express that part of all of this. I just seem to get stuck in the mode where SI is the only way out. I sort of know how I get in the "modes" but I don't know how to stay away from that part of me. I want that part of me away, just don't know how.

One another issue I did tell another and it's gotten me a little stressed, since they where not a professional. I think that might have led to the mode, but I just don't know.

Does anyone else feel like it is a MODE that you get into before you SI??

Good insight.

Day 1 and counting.

Have you been able to tell your treatment team what is really going on?

Be well.

[puzzclar]

Sort of, I did mention the SI just not the how part. They do know somethings, just not all. I'm not really comforable talking about it. But I have done a Self-Help technique that I'm hoping will help. We'll see how it goes. I just hope that it works. and the counting didn't start yesterday. I'm on day one again. grrr

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

I did start to realize what was going on before the SI.

I realized that I had been alone before I had done it and, a little discouraged.

I just got in that "mode" where things just got to bad.

The Menatal pain is just becoming to much to deal with, and I don't know how to express that part of all of this.

I just seem to get stuck in the mode where SI is the only way out.

I sort of know how I get in the "modes" but I don't know how to stay away from that part of me. I want that part of me away, just don't know how.

One another issue I did tell another and it's gotten me a little stressed, since they where not a professional. I think that might have led to the mode, but I just don't know.

Yes, this is very good insight. Now when you sense this scenario you can try different things to change the outcome. When you start to feel alone and discouraged you can try some different things here.

You need to tell your T that your pain is getting to be too much so that you 2 can work on this.

Getting stuck where you think that there is only one way is when you take a deep breath and take 3 steps back out of that corner. Look around, you left that tight corner. There are more than one option if you give yourself space. (See my signature here?)

You want to distance yourself from a part of you? This would also be a good topic for therapy because one of the goals of therapy is to discover all of your parts and work on the ones which are causing you distress. It never works to banish a part of yourself.

Did you feel a little vulnerable after telling that person?

[puzzclar]

Originally Posted by Sannah

You want to distance yourself from a part of you? This would also be a good topic for therapy because one of the goals of therapy is to discover all of your parts and work on the ones which are causing you distress. It never works to banish a part of yourself.

Did you feel a little vulnerable after telling that person?

The thing is I just don't know what exactly to do. The parts that are causing distress, seems so interconnected. that if I tell anyone then they start to change parts of me, that i'm not sure if it really needs to change. Then again, part of this seems a little weird, but I still don't understand it.

Also is there any good tips to tell the Pdoc and T about what exactly, and how I si, since its not like most of you, I don't cut, but I do other things. How do I tell them the specifics??

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

The parts that are causing distress, seems so interconnected. that if I tell anyone then they start to change parts of me, that i'm not sure if it really needs to change. Then again, part of this seems a little weird, but I still don't understand it.

If you tell anyone they want to change you? Is this what you are saying?

Originally Posted by puzzclar

Also is there any good tips to tell the Pdoc and T about what exactly, and how I si, since its not like most of you, I don't cut, but I do other things. How do I tell them the specifics??

Everyone needs to do it in their own way. How do you think you should do it?

[puzzclar]

Sannah- I really don't know, they keep asking but, how do you tell something so personal, even to the professionals. I also sometimes think that if I verbilze it then, I'll do it more or it will become more intense. If I say it, then there is a possiblity that it will get worse. At least that is how I see it.

As for the other part, I'm not sure what I ment. It almost seems like I was in another world when I wrote it. Let me try again. I know that who I was before this happened is there somewhere, But it seems like all of the voices, all of the thoughts dealing with SI, all of the distress. Is connected to who I once was. (I think that makes more sense) Is it weird to say that if I to tell people about the voices, Si, and the distress. that it will grow to more intesity. That if i let out (through voice) that I do these things, that they will become more of a pain.

For example, I've told my PDoc about the voices, and how controling they seem, and the voices seem more there, EVERY STINKING MOMENT! If I tell them how I SI then I'm taking a step that could be good but could not be. It could only be one more step in the wrong direction that finally gets to me, and I take the only way out, because I can't take it any more.

Does this make any sense to anyone out there. I just don't know if it will or not.

[Sannah]

I don't know much about how the voices work but I have never heard anyone here say that once they disclosed about SI that it got worse. Did it get worse for you disclosing here? I would think that letting out something like SI out would make it more real, but more real to deal with. If I have some issue bugging me and I talk about it I am able to deal with it much better. When I take it out of my head I can turn it around and look at it as I discuss it. When it stays in your head it is so unreachable and it just doesn't get better at all. Acceptance of your situation is one of the first steps to dealing with it. Denial of issues doesn't help at all.

Did you ever ask your Pdoc about why the voices would get worse after disclosing?

[puzzclar]

I didn't even think about asking about them getting worse, She was more concerned about the Safety issue. She wants to know but, that pressure makes me not want to share it with her.

I'm not denying that there is a problem, I just can't deal with how people look at me after I have told them about some things like that. They always look at me like they know to much, and am judging me at every moment, or that they are wondering if I have done the SI again, or if the voices are around, or even if things are getting worse and the hospital is the only place left to keep me safe. I just can't handle that much right now. I can't deal with how peopl look at me, since I feel as if there is someone looking at me, when they do look at me.

I can sort of accept what is going on, but I just don't want to say anything to a person, in person, or by phone where I can see the reaction. I just don't want to see the reaction, or the latter days when they look at me weird.

Does this sound weird to anyone else? or is it just me?

[Sannah]

Have you worked on this issue of how you react and perceive people looking at you?

[puzzclar]

not yet, but of course there are more things that are more important to discuss first. Like for example naming a voice. ya, all in all, I'm not doing so well, I am an invenotry specialist and got to count in Health and Beauty, and of course there are razors, and in housewares, there is knives. and I am starting to go towards cutting. All in all, things just keep getting worse, and I don't know what to foucs on for thearpy. Oh and I can't get in to see my T until next month on the 9th unless someone else opens up a spot for me, and I can get in at that point in time. GRRRRRR It's just getting harder to deal with. GRRRRRRRRRR

[Sannah]

The order that I worked on things in therapy was the order that they came up. You know, the squeeky wheel gets the grease? Also, you have to work on things like opening up a package. Of course you want what is inside right away but there is an order to opening something up. I would think that the issue of how you perceive people looking at you is sort of important to put at the top of the list because it inhibits you from interacting and opening up with your T. Of course you want to work on all of these other things but if you can't open up to your T then you have to work on why you don't open up first. (Just like opening up a package. First things first.)

Are you on a wait list to get in earlier with your T? How often do you see your T?

[puzzclar]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Are you on a wait list to get in earlier with your T? How often do you see your T?

I am on the wait list, but I do have an appointment on the 9th. and I only have 7 weeks left in the area. I'm almost thinking to make more appointments, to get things more worked on. Since there is a lot, and not much time. I think I will have to prioritise what needs to be worked on.