[michelle421]

i find myself getting stuck in a downward spiral every so often, regularly i might add. i feel like i have all kinds of feelings that i can't describe and can't process and so i find it easier to just SI to make it go away. often, i find that cutting myself is the only thing that can make all those strange and deep feelings go away.

but i also wonder sometimes if my desire to SI creates my strange feelings. i get so conflicted inside and confused about it all. i find that SI is such an addiction for me, i'm always coming back to it. and it's definitely not the same now as it was 10 years ago when i started. sometimes it feels like i need to cut just because it's been so long since i last did... regardless of how i feel. so i feel like maybe i'm just bringing these feelings on myself and that leads me to cut again. it's just making things harder.

i used to SI without much hesitation because it was such a good fix for me. now that i'm struggling with it more and trying to stay safe i think it seems harder in the long run. the longer i go without it the more i feel i need it. the worse i'm afraid it will be when i break...

[Sannah]

Sounds like you understand yourself well. Are you in therapy?

[Mike_J]

Always is a pretty strong term. Every day that you don’t SI, strangely (at least for me) makes the next day both easier and harder not to SI, I think this is something that only someone with our addiction could possibly understand.

Try to focus on the positive, and hey a relapse may happen, I know they do to me, but I try to see the glass as maybe not half full but at least not completely empty. Every day I don’t SI is a day I show myself I can do it, at least for a day, string a few of those together and you have a week. A few weeks become a month, and so on. And if you relapse, it isn’t the end of the world, just means you have start the clock over and you have a “base line” on how long you can hold out.

It is truly an addiction, and one you (WE) are going to have to fight every dam day, most people will never be able to understand this addiction, forget about them, they don’t get it, but you do. One day, or if that is too much, one hour, or five minutes. I can hold out for five minutes then I can reevaluate and commit to anointer five minutes, I have going for days without SI, five minutes at a time. Like any addiction you won’t every magically make it go away, you will have to learn to live with it, and not give into it.

And you are probably going to have to do what you have done many times in the past, start over after giving in, I hope you never do give in again, but if you do, it doesn’t mean you have lost the battle, just means you have to keep fighting, you can win, WE can win

[Sannah]

People only need addictions when they need to cope. You only need to cope when you haven't fixed things yet.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Mm... I relate to some of that, as it happens. You can survive without it; we all can.

[michelle421]

sannah - thank you.

i am not in therapy. i have tried going twice voluntarily. i went once in college, but it scared me a lot and seemed pointless so i didn't even go to a 2nd meeting. i tried going to therapy again about a year ago (about a year out of college) and only went for about 4 meetings and stopped because it wasn't helpful. i feel like i do know myself well. i don't see how anyone else could know me any better, and it would take forever to feel comfortable with telling someone who i am. sometimes i think it would be nice to have an objective person to talk to about the issues i face each day, but i don't want people telling me what to do or judging me.

mike - thank you so much for your reply.

i feel like you understand my feelings so well. it's comforting to know i'm not alone. i often struggle to explain how this addiction is for me to others - i don't think they can understand. i appreciate your words, and it helps to break it down. it reminds me to just take it one step at a time, no matter how big or small each step is.

akuma - thanks. the support is helpful. i hope you're doink ok.

having the cats around to cuddle me today is helpful. since i have today and tomorrow off from work, i am hoping i wont spend the whole time ruminating and making things hard for myself. i'm trying. i just don't always want to try, and that's hard to admit.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by michelle421

it would take forever to feel comfortable with telling someone who i am.

i don't want people telling me what to do or judging me.

Therapists are not supposed to tell you what to do or judge you. Being able to be comfortable around someone in a reasonable amount of time is an important goal. Therapy changed my life. It's the only way to recover from an addiction.

[michelle421]

yes... i feel like it should be reasonable for me to find someone, but at the same time it seems impossible. i dont know how i'll know who is right for me without wasting a lot of time and money. i really tried last time and i wanted it to work but i just felt worse about myself and found myself lying and that's not gonna get me anywhere. i have no idea how to find a good therapist. and then i freak out when they ask me why i'm there because i struggle with even wanting to change. it's so overwhelming.

[Sannah]

I have seen so many people here get guidance in finding a good therapist and making the most out of it. Many people here find a therapist and then post "Appt. is tomorrow, I'm so scared!" And we support them and help get them to that appt. And then when misunderstandings come up the person will write another post and we will help them to work through it so that they will talk to their therapist and work through it with them. Really, I have seen it so many times. These people got to a point in therapy where they couldn't get before, just because they got support and feedback from people here.

[michelle421]

thank you sannah. i can see how that would be helpful. it is so scary. it feels like i'm so alone sometimes, even though i know i'm not. i worry i have just been a terrible client before, so i worry i won't ever find what i want ...need? i dunno.

my partner has noticed that i haven't been myself lately. i think she's been worried. i haven't wanted to bother her with my troubles lately because she was having a hard time. i try so hard to stay strong for her. anyway, last night before we went to sleep she asked me if she could get me the number for a therapist her T recommended for me. i guess i really do seem like a mess. she gave me the info last year after my attempt to see someone failed again, but i didn't have the heart to try another person right then. she says the woman's office is really close to where we live. i might even be able to walk there. i think i'd be willing to try again. i just worry. it's so stressful. getting started is the hardest part.

[Sannah]

How perfect! We would certainly support you in trying to get settled with a therapist!

michelle421, I hope you go. Finding a therapist you are comfortable with is so important. Nonetheless, I have learned something from all them that I have seen.

It makes a difference going in with the idea this person is here to help me. How can I help her/him help me? What does this person need to know?

Good luck.