[phoenix7]

somthing good happens - then i do somthing bad (almost as if i have to do somthing bad cos i dont deserve the somthing good) - then i have a very strong almost irristable need to SI to punish myself - and once again im stuck in a loop.....

example....

i spoke to a friend for a long time and had a really nice chat (GOOD)

then i have a feeling like somthing bad is going to happen - maybe cos i dont deserve to have anythign good happen.....

I went out to get some shopping i needed - but overspent when i knew the money was for bills that are already overdue (BAD)

Maybe because somthing bad didint happen - i am maknng it happen to prove myself right? dunno ?

Then i get really anxious as to how on earth im gonna pay the bills when ive spent the money on crap stuff grrrrrr and angry at myself - and i want so badly to SI - to calm myself (yes i know that sounds nuts) and also to punsh myself and leave a mark to show how dumb i am so i wont do it again - BUT I ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
( The need to SI to punish myself )

WHY CANT I JUST STOP AND MOVE ON - LEARN AND MOVE ON ...... sighs....

and then i get sad... and all i want to do is hide away in bed and not come out forever.........

in the meantime i havnt cut but ive opened old wounds which means more scars and i hate scars ......... but they make me as ugly on the outside as i feel on the inside i guesss ....... dunno..... just tired of running in circles chasing my tail

[lynn P.]

(((phoenix7))) - I'm sorry you're running around in this circle of self sabotage. Don't be hard on yourself. I don't really have wise advise about how to stop it - maybe you can try not to judge yourself and recognize your triggers...think before you act kind of thing. What does your therapist say? It's a very well written post - describes how you're feeling exactly. I hope you feel better and don't hurt yourself...you're not bad!!

[Sannah]

Could you be anxious after something good happens (because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop?) so you make the other shoe drop so that you don't have to anticipate and feel anxious?

Calming yourself with SI isn't nuts. This is why many people do it.

You can't just stop this until you figure out why you are doing it and work from there.

[greylove]

I'm not always good with words........but I am good with hugs. (((((((((((((((((((Phoenix)))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you're feeling this dilemna........grey

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

(((phoenix7))) maybe you can try not to judge yourself and recognize your triggers...think before you act kind of thing.

i do try Lynn - the trigger is somthing good happening..... but then its like i go to sleep and wake up and go WT????? damn i just did this or that and thats the self sabotage part.....

What does your therapist say?

dont have one

Originally Posted by Sannah

Could you be anxious after something good happens (because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop?) so you make the other shoe drop so that you don't have to anticipate and feel anxious?

Exactly Sannah! the anxiety builds and builds and so i make the other shoe drop to get rid of the anxiety but then comes the guilt and the anger...

Calming yourself with SI isn't nuts. This is why many people do it.

I know, but ....... when i think about the words.... i scratched my arms till they bled so that i wouldnt be anxious anymore..... sighs.....

You can't just stop this until you figure out why you are doing it and work from there.

something bad always used to follow somthing good - like you had to pay for any part of happiness you got - the happier you were - the worse the pain - you get a kitten (happy) someone poisons it (pain) - you brother comes home from the army (happy) SA (pain) - your dad says he wil visit for your birthday (happy) - he doesnt as usual (pain) - he says he wil pay for a school trip (happy) you get pulled out of the class to have the teacher demand the money in front of everyone cos he hasnt paid (pain) - you finally get asked to be a godmum to your sisters newest baby (happy) - you dad doesnt turn up to take you and doesnt ring til its too late to get there - everyone gets angry at you cos he says he isnt going cos you are ill but you were going anyway - you dont get to be godmum and everyone is angry wiht you not him (pain)

I cant remember anything good happening without something bad happening soon after...... so i guess if i make it happen at least i can control the severity of the pain ........ although i always seem to make it equal or greater thant the hapiness so none is left to invite any more pain..

Originally Posted by greylove

I'm not always good with words........but I am good with hugs. (((((((((((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))))))))
thanks Grey

thanks for your replies... i guess i just dont know how to stop the anxiety after the "happy" .....while im waiting for the bad.....

[Sannah]

All of your examples had to do with your toxic family so if you keep your distance from toxic people this will help a lot. This might also help your anxiety because if you stay away from toxic people less bad stuff will happen.