[ThePainNeverDies]

3 months, one week, two days ago, I promised myself that I would never self harm or OD in ANY way, ever again. I said to myself 'at the rate I'm going, I'll be able to achieve nothing. I realized I'd never have a boyfriend, never have a job, never be who I always promised I'd be. I realized that carrying on the way I was, I would be dead. Never able to do anything I'd always wanted to do.

3 months, one week, one day and it's 07/12/2010. It's 3 months, one week and two days since I last self harmed in any way or OD'd. It's 3 months, one week and two days since I made the decision that changed my life forever and turned it around completely.

It's not been an easy journey. It's been one of THE hardest roads I've ever had to travel down. But it's such a rewarding and fulfilling journey to take. No-one said it'd be easy, but then again, No-one said it'd be hard, either. That's why it's been harder than expected, because I didn't know how hard it'd be. That part kinda sucks huh...

But being uncertain of how hard it would be and how long it would take and how many hurdles I'd have to get over, has prepared me for the worst. My bad past prepared me for much worse than I have already suffered.

But. All I came here to say, really, was that...

I am finally able to say...

I am proud of who I am. I am proud of what I've done. I am proud of the roads I have traveled. But most of all??? I AM PROUD OF ME.

I have never been able to make it 3 weeks, let alone 3 months.

And.

It's only as easy as you make it. It's only as easy as you prepare yourself for.

Lastly...

TAKE THE DIVE LIKE I DID. IT'S THE BEST THING I EVER DID!!!

Lots of love and hugs to all.

Peace out



Thank you, all you wonderful, wonderful PC'ers.

[Nemo39122]

That's awesome!!!
I've struggled with SI for a few years and OD-ing for about a year, so I know how hard it is to stop. Fortunately I'm working on making myself mentally determined enough to stop again, for good this time. I'm hoping to make a post like this someday soon

Congratulations on how far you've come, if you've made it 3 months you can make it atleast 3 more. Before you know it it'll be 3 years

One question though, was there anything in particular that helped you stop?

[flawlessimperfectionsmft]

That's amazing. I am so proud of you for how long you have gone! Keep up the good work. I stopped self injury about 2 years ago and just recently got a tattoo to commemorate the stop of cutting and to cover up my scars. It is a beautiful life not doing self harm. My heart goes out to you!

[ThePainNeverDies]

That's awesome!!!
I've struggled with SI for a few years and OD-ing for about a year, so I know how hard it is to stop. Fortunately I'm working on making myself mentally determined enough to stop again, for good this time. I'm hoping to make a post like this someday soon

Congratulations on how far you've come, if you've made it 3 months you can make it atleast 3 more. Before you know it it'll be 3 years

One question though, was there anything in particular that helped you stop?

Not Emo;

I'm so glad you have such a positive outlook on it and the fact that you say you'll be making the same post one day shows that you are determined. It's really lovely to see that.

What in particular helped me? Well, first of all was me breaking up with my boyfriend at the time. He was a hindrance, not a help. Then, it was the last OD I took that made me fall down the stairs and screw up my shins, leaving me in hospital totally out of it because of what I took. When I came round 2 days later and spoke to the nurse, I was freaked. So that made me decide. Then seeing that my (new) boyfriend, who was a friend at the time, and a few others, had sent me worried messages begging me please not to die. The day after I came out, my boyfriend asked to meet me for the first time, so I thought 'He'll never want to be with me if I'm like this' and I really wanted to be with him. I knew I was falling in love with him.

So, it was a number of things, but mostly, it was my own strength and courage to face up to all of my demons instead of being dragged down by them, that helped.

FlawlessImperfection;

It has been amazing so far, the freedom I have without self harm. I got a tattoo with many, many meanings, a few months ago. I've found that doing good things for myself also makes me less likely to self harm. Twice so far I have had my nails done, I recently had a pedicure and a new hair style. Everyday my boyfriend (now been together 3 months!) reminds me how much he loves me, how much of an inspirational person I am and what a golden heart I have. I always used to hate myself, but now I'm beginning to learn the act of self love and it's beautiful.

And you! Well done for 2 years!! Wow... That's a long time

[Sannah]

Hey TPND! Long time no see! So glad that you are doing well! Congrats on all of your hard work!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Sannah! My, how I've missed you! I was talking about you last night, saying how wonderful you've always been to me

Thank you

We must get a proper chat going soon

[WePow]

WOW !!!!!!!!!!! I know you have had a very hard journey. You have a lot to be proud about!!!

((((((TPND))))))Way to go!!....I am cheering you on!!!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you

It's strange, because... In a way my scars have come in highly useful. Being a model, photographers are on the look out for models who self harm/have self harmed in the past. Some of the work is to create dramatic images, but one of the shoots I'll be doing will be used to promote self harm/depression (etc) awareness. When the guy came to me and asked about my scars I though

'oh here we go again'

But no, it was totally different. There are some nasty people out there, like one photographer I came across who said "I can't do a shoot with you because of your scars." I was a little bit upset to say the least. It wasn't that he couldn't, it was that he didn't want to. Whether that was because of his own judgments or just because he was being an ignorant fart.

Buuuut hey ho, there are some lovely people out there who just want to help others and that's such a breath of fresh air.

[phoenix7]

YAY - sounds like dancing chillies time to me

that is soooo wonderful to hear - i am soooo proud of you and glad yo are proud of yourself

once more for the road YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Oh, P7 THANK YOU!!!

This was so lovely to read after I accidentally blurted out part of my other half's surprise next week! Gutted!!! But he doesn't know the other 3/4 of it phew!

Lol it most definitely is dancing chillies time!!!

I'm so glad that you and Sannah are also proud of me. Another friend, Sky, yesterday said; "You have no idea how proud of you I am doll face. You're an adult now. You've got your flat, you've stopped the self harm, you've got a lovely boyfriend, you're doing your AAT course. You're looking to, and building your future. You're an amazing woman." It's so lovely to hear that.

I've never achieved so much in my life and now I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life and it's true happiness.

I could cry right now

[Sannah]

Wow, truly amazing!!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm just trying to get my head, my body and my whole life back on track. It's about time I did really. I've made myself suffer enough now.

[sugahorse1]

Great stuff - congrats!
That's not an easy path to walk, and you will have grown so much through it (((HUGS)))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you so much everyone, your encouragement is invaluable.

Having a bit of a tearful day today, given myself too much time to think and feeling a bit sorry for myself because of everything that's happened in the past 12 years... It's heart wrenching stuff.

[Sannah]

Mourning and grieving is okay.........

[Skully]

Oh wow, I am so proud of you!!!

Way to go! I know you can do it, you will make a year I am sure of it!!!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know it is, I just don't know how much longer it'll go on for and that bothers me. I've let it affect me for 12 years now, so maybe it's time I didn't mourn/grieve anymore? I don't want to feel the pain of the past anymore. Any pain I feel, I want to be pain that is more recent, pain that is from something over the last six months, like the death of my best friend. Not things like the abuse I suffered at the hands of imbeciles as a young child.

Skully, thank you so much. I am so proud of where I have got to after all the abuse I let myself be put through. I deserve so much better and that's why I don't want to grieve the past pains anymore. I guess working hard in therapy will help that? For the past 3 sessions I have just spilled. Spilled and spilled everything about my past. I am continuing to do so, no matter how painful it is. I've needed to do it for so long.

Thank you so much everyone.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

after all the abuse I let myself be put through.

You let yourself go through that? You were a child, you didn't have a choice.

You probably are grieving because you are letting all of this stuff out in therapy. Please allow the process to work. You are supposed to be grieving while you are spilling all of this stuff. If you try to stop it you will be interfering with the process. If you allow it to happen it will and then you can finally leave it all behind okay. I'm really glad that you are doing this in therapy. This is probably why your life is going well don't you think?

[silver_moon]

First of all, well done!! I am so happy for you. (((((TPND))))

You may not remember me, but I used to post on PC a lot. Today is the first time I've looked at the forum in a long time, over 18 month I think, and it made me SO happy to read this post.

You deserve it

As for this:

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I just don't know how much longer it'll go on for and that bothers me.

that's completely understandable. I'm doing a lot better than I used to too and everytime I trip up a bit and have a day where I'm tearful I get scared of how long it'll last for the fear of slipping backwards. But, I've come to learn that you can have days like that and you don't have to worry. Just take the time to look after yourself and remember that tomorrow is another day and we're allowed to have days where we feel low. Hell, we're only human!

Again... I'm so happy for you. The pain CAN die!

Take care

SM ☽

[ThePainNeverDies]

Sannah, I see what you're saying. The whole reason I started to spill it in therapy was because I wanted to work on it/get rid of it sooner rather than later. I knew it'd be hard and I knew I was being impatient with myself. I just want to be able to walk down a street thinking of anything but the past, be able to not be as affected by it anymore. Before, I used to let it rule my life. Now my life is ruling it.. That's a good thing I know.

silver_moon, I remember you I'm glad this post made you happy to read It's so lovely to see people come back a lot better isn't it?

I am starting to realise that everyone has bad days and while it can last a week, it's not going to last forever, it's never going to be as bad as before now because I won't let it.

David always says to me when I worry that I'll fall back down. "Kirsten, you won't fall back down, I know you won't because you can't" I always ask why and he comes back with "You won't let yourself. Simple as that. Because you're stronger now and you hate(d) where you were and don't want to go back there again so you're using your strength to stop yourself from going back there without even realising it". I'm glad he sees it!!

But yes, it's a hard lesson to learn. I'm getting there! Feeling a lot better today after having finished another new song and got lots of photo shoots sorted for this week. In fact,

That's the first video of my most recent song I hope you like it. It's been changed again :P

Thanks for all your replies everyone!

[Sannah]

I'll have to come back to listen to your song because we are having trouble with our internet right now.

[ThePainNeverDies]

No worries with that

I've had a bit of a bad day today. Last night I started crying without David noticing, then he noticed the wet pillow and asked about it and I cried even more...

I'm not very well, got a cold and sore throat etc, supposed to have a photo shoot tomorrow but it's been snowing heavily so mightn't be able to make it. I'm struggling with ED again and trying to cut down on my intake but at the same time trying to keep it how it's been for the past 3 months. It's hard work.

I'm still happy though. I have David to help me along when I'm struggling and even when he's not there I find a way..

[Sannah]

[silver_moon]

Sounds like you've got yourself a good guy there

Your song and voice are beautiful, I really enjoyed it and it genuinly brought a tear to my eye (in a good way )

Keep pushing forward