Sensitivity to talk of SI (trigger?)

I cringe when anyone so much as mentions the word c*tter. I'm still very sensitive to hearing people talk about this topic even though it's been months since my relapse. Does this sensitivity ever diminish with time? All I can think of when I hear that word is the relapse.

I am usually an open-minded person when it comes to body modification, but the practice of "scarification" freaks me out and makes me sick, because it reminds me of SI. Hope this isn't too much to talk about here, but I figured you guys would understand how I feel.

I feel that way, too. I am a social work student, and sometimes it comes up as a topic in class (particularly one I took on addictions this past year)...some words make me cringe more than others, but generally I'm pretty sensitive to it, and I haven't really SI'd in a year or so. I hope the sensitivity does get less as time goes on.

I find that certain words are definitely worse than others, though, and I'm not sure why. For example, "self injury" definitely makes me cringe less than "c*tter." I guess one just sounds more graphic to me than the other or something.

(((hug)) you're definitely not alone.

To me, "c*tter" conjures up the "emo" stereotypes and crap I hear in school. "Self-injury" sounds more clinical, less judgemental.

I couldn't imagine talking about this in class, even if it is a course for mental issues. I'd want to share my opinion which would give others the opportunity to judge..you know how it is

I cringe inwardly with terror. God, it feels like if anyone says anything to the effect, I leap ten feet into the air and turn bright red. Subtle, much? I think it's more of a guilt thing with me rather than a sensitivity to the actual words. It feels so awkward. I definately prefer the term "self injury".

Do you think you are being triggered?

Triggered to SI? No. Triggered for bad feelings in general? Maybe..probably.

I don't mean triggered to SI, I just mean that the SI words trigger up difficult feelings for you.

Oh, well in this case, yes it does...

Triggering is pretty powerful. One little innocuous thing from today can trigger up huge feelings from the past. Not understanding that this is taking place is confusing. Understanding that this is happening is very helpful, at least it was for me.

Yeah, I think it's worse when I'm reading stories about SI, actually. Books like "C*t" by Patricia McCormick. I don't know why this is...it feels so strange and I can't describe it. I feel like I'm out of touch with my feelings right now - that I do know how it feels but I can't put it into words. It's so confusing and I don't think I've actually yet brought this topic up in therapy...

I completely understand. The word c*tter does make me cringe, always has and probably always will. I have always been sensitive to that word, even before I started SIing. I get uneasy when people refer to it at c*tting around me, even more so if they know that I SI. I won’t let my T use the word c*tting or c*tter in sessions, it makes me too uneasy and vulnerable.

It’s interesting that you bring up the book thing as well. I have this weird love of reading books that are about SI yet I too cringe when they use the word c*t.

I don’t know what it is. To me the word c*tter seems more derogatory, more of a put down than anything else. It’s almost like it’s a way to label people without any sensitivity to the issue itself. It’s almost as though the term c*tter has been thrown around too much in a negative way. I prefer the term SI. It seems more sensitive and safe.

You definitely aren’t alone in feeling this way

I think most people that deal with SI hate this word...why wouldn't we? It's so stereotypical, blunt, rude, and so many other things. I've gotten into fights with people because they used this word. One time in particular, I heard it out of the mouth of some popular girl with a sharp attitude...I confronted her, ended up throwing a roll of tape at her because I was so angry and embarassed and hurt (the tape was just what happened to be in my hand at the time). I hate this memory because she and I are not on bad terms anymore, at least I hope not.

Rambling again, I know......

Not rambling at all it is a relevant story. Does it upset you that you are not on bad terms anymore?

Thank you. No, not at all - I don't want to be on bad terms with anybody. I just want to stay out of this girl's way because I'm no fan of the popular, and I hope she forgets this episode too.

That I understand completely. Might as well avoid her.

It bugs me that “popular people” often throw around the word c*t like it’s nothing at all. I don’t know exactly how to say it but I hope you know what I mean. People throw the word around without understanding why people SI. I don’t know if it’s more terrible or more sad.

Oh, I know what you mean, all right. And they see my scar and think "sui***al" and hate me for something I cannot control.

But I think I'm going to keep the scar. I don't mind it.

I get plenty of weird looks when people see my scars. I’ve gotten to the point where I say “what are you looking at” and give them a weird look back.

It is my belief that scars show us of where we have been and how far we have come since then.

My thoughts exactly. Some days, still, I want to get rid of it and consider cosmetic surgery down the road (it's pretty visible), and then other days I learn to live with it. Just depends.

I understand that as well. I struggle with accepting my scars sometimes but I ultimately think they have stories of their own. I blush when people ask about the old scars but well I have learned to either tell people I am not comfortable talking about it or tell them one heck of a story. A few of my larger scars I have covered up with tattoos.

Cosmetic surgery isn’t a bad option.

That's cool - I think about getting a tattoo cover up as well. I just hate when people ask about it, especially like my little cousin. I know she's just curious and she can't help it, but when people ask in front of others that I don't want to know about it, I don't know what to say. The only person I'm ok with letting see it is my therapist. Back when I was actively SIing and frequently I used to have to show it to my then-T because I wouldn't show my parents, and they understood that. Thinking about her right now makes the acid in my stomach worse, makes me feel sick because she switched jobs so that meant dropping her clients. And yet I still miss her. It hurts but I still feel like I'm whining and asking for attention by talking about it. Everything feels that way.

I know what you mean. For years I was uncomfortable talking about it to anyone. I still don’t like when people mention scars. I try to use humor to shake things up but most of the time I still feel that knot inside when someone asks about how I got a specific scar. I will let people I don’t know see my scars, I don’t care, but my T that’s a different story, probably because I’m just trying to stop and I still have fresh scars.

It isn’t your fault that she switched jobs. I can understand missing a T, it hurts when someone you have trusted is gone. It is good to talk about it though even though it might seem like it comes across whiny and attention seeking, to your T is is neither. Your T is there to help you and can only do so based on what you tell them.

Thank you for talking tonight - I haven't thought about her this much in awhile and doing so is making me nervous, which causes my stomach to be in knots and wanting to hack up fire I think I'm going to talk to her about this when i see her next. (new T) Talking really helps. Eventually we all have a bad night somewhere along the line I guess.

We’re all entitled to bad nights.

It’s good that you are willing to talk to your T about this.