[Beautiful_Pain]

I've just realized tonight how much I miss Mike, my T. =( With the loss of my voices and Mike, I feel more alone than ever. Scared, lonely, sad....I feel excluded, but I don't know from what =( I still don't plan for the future, not sure how much of a future I have =/

The 'break' is still looming...larger today than before...good thing xmas is so close, then if I blow, no biggie really. I just want to be around for xmas, its a big deal to those in my family--and I want to be here for them. After that, I don't really care. =( I asked my husband if he would think less of me if I went back to the hospital, and he said if I needed it and it would help then No, he wouldn't think any less of me. I have this very strong urge to cry, but I don't know why...so I try not to =/ Besides crying for no reason seems so weak and cowardly...I know I am weak, but I dont want to be cowardly. Bleh, too late, the tears come of their own accord, %#@&#!. I want to cut, I want to burn, I want to bite until my jaw locks up. I hate me, so much.

[Lexicon78]

Why would anyone think less of you if you needed help? I would not, and neither would anyone here. I'm sorry you are suffering so much right now. I believe you are very courageous, not cowardly at all. Just try to hang in there. We are all here for you. I know sometimes when we need help it seems like nobody is around, but believe me, we are! It may just take us a little longer to get there! If you need immediate support, as I know I do sometimes, PM us. I know it's a difficult year for so many of us, but we're trying to hold on as best we can, me especially.

I know what you mean by not wanting to go to the hospital until after Christmas. I'm in the same boat. I'm thinking about going in myself, but don't want to ruin the holidays for anyone by me being in the hospital. If you can't wait until after Christmas, though, please go to the hospital. We can risk your life or safety just because of some holiday! We all love you dearly!

[Beautiful_Pain]

{{{{lexi}}}} Thank you for the reply

I just thought he might since I had already gone to the hospital once. I don't feel courageous, I feel like crap, and cowardly crap to boot. =(

Thank you for being here, it means alotttttttttttt.

I have trouble pm'ing out of the blue, I feel like I'm being selfish and rude...wasting someone's time

I hope you don't have to go to the hospital lexi, I hope things work out well for you.

I dont want to ruin the holidays for anyone either, I'll try my hardest to stay safe until they are over =/

[EJ711]

Beautiful Pain,

Where did you get the idea that you're weak? It takes a lot of strength to deal with emotional issues. It takes courage too, so you are no coward.

There's nothing wrong with crying, but It's nice to have someone with you to comfort you.

Please don't hurt yourself.

Jane

Beautiful_Pain,

I don't think you are a coward at all--- there is nothing cowardly about feeling scared, lonely or sad.

I'm sorry you feel excluded. Hope you can feel some acceptance here. I think you are a very nice person and am so glad you are here-- even in your sadness-- you took the time to post to me--- that was thoughtful and I appreciated it very much.

You are welcome to PM me-- you won't be bothering me at all, or if it's more comfortable for you, posting is good too-- we're here-- listening.

Please-- take care.
Thinking of you

mandy

[tamzinrose]

I am so sorry. I wish I could help. I'm sending you good wishes and hugs, if that's ok.

[JustBen]

I don't see anyhing you've written that would make anyone think of you as a coward. Hang in there.

[Beautiful_Pain]

{{{{Jane}}}}
{{{{tamzin}}}}
{{{{Mandy}}}}
{{{{Ben}}}}}

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, my thinking is the same--but your posts help somewhere inside, I can feel it.

[tamzinrose]

Glad to help. I want to help. PM me if you want to. I'll listen, same as you did for me.

[bipolar_bear]

Beautiful_Pain I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I can understand wanting to wait until after Christmas but make sure you take care of yourself. I don't think you are weak nor cowardly quite the opposite for successfully dealing with your emotions. Please be safe and do what is best for you. Feel free to PM me anytime.

[Beautiful_Pain]

I think I'm better in some ways today--not actively suicidal=good. More psychotic=worse. =/ No voices, but I feel like I am dissolving, my head feels like it is smaller and will spin off.

I did burn myself several times, which seems to have slowed things down...things being the psychosis.

I know you all don't want me to hurt myself, but it doesn't hurt...I feel no pain, so in a way I haven't hurt myself, just my skin =/ I've kept the SI to a minimum, only what I needed to get by without going into complete psychosis tonight...only 4 days until Christmas, hopefully tonight's burnings will be enough to get me through then.

I've looked into the State mental hospital, and am still considering another more local hospital--an hour and a half away. Not sure, will talk to the oncall pdoc in the er when I go, if things keep going downhill like this. =/

I'M OK, at least for tonight, so don't worry about me =)

[ozzie]

((((((((((((beautiful_pain)))))))))))))) I'm sending you good wishes and hoping things start getting better for you soon.

[Rapunzel]

Will you promise me one thing? If you are going to wait until after Christmas, stay around people who will keep you safe, and talk to them. Let them know if you need help. Talk to a professional about med changes, etc. if you need to. And if you need to go to the hospital, it's more important that you are safe and protected than that you stay out of the hospital until Christmas. Having something happen to you would ruin the holidays more than having you in the hospital would. Please take care of yourself.

Rap

[complic8d]

((((((Beautiful Pain)))))) Don't feel bad about going back to the hospital if you need it. I have been several times (it gets "easier" lol). I can only promise to make it through Christmas also, but I guess that would mean another hospital stay, instead of my other plans.
Please keep safe, and go to the hospital if you need to.
(PS- I love Happy Bunny- I have yours on my background display now- Thanks!)