I want out

Said he'd try more to listen and that he can help. I don't belive anyone anymore!

So he doesn't get another chance? You gave him valuable info. Now give him a chance to use it.

Called him tonight because I had some family problems Ana I tried to cut myself. I usually don't do this but I was really hurting and didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry!

I wish I could help!
Just try reminding yourself that its only a week, you'll be home soon! Make it more like an adventure in your mind, it will make the days seem more bearable.
I moved away for a year, and its been 3 months. Its super hard, and I cry almost every day, but I keep reminding myself that its only 9 months left, I've already done a quarter of my contract, etc. It helps to look ahead!

Why did you apoligize?

I don't know...probably because I just feel terrible.

I met with my pdoc, I don't think he has any hope in me and neither do I.

What happened with the appt.?

My pdoc doesn't understand why his pills aren't working. Ive been on 2 different antidepressants this year and had problems with side effects. The latests doesn't have as many sideffects but I'm not "happy". My t doesn't get me I guess, and I guess I don't get him either. Ii don't.know what they want me to do all I know is that I'm tired of paying them if they cant help.me. I'm having enough money problems and don't need anymore! I don't know what to do anymore I'm at the end of my rope, grasping and trying to stay up but I don't know why they wont let me just go.

You still need to work more closely with your T. You haven't even begun yet. Sounds like you want to give up because you are afraid to get closer to your T?

Ok, you're right...so I told him that. I told him I was uncomfortable and that it was hard to talk about things. I'm probably more willing to talk about things if he brings them up and that I would do my best to try. He wants me to be more hopeful and I don't know how. Immune supposed to let people in and try to trust them but, its hard. I usually give my all to people and usually expect the same in return- of course that generally rodent happen. I end up expel ting something that is never reciprocal. I said I would try eventhoughi know I'm notready.

Very good!! We can't get better at something unless we try. Part of our learning something is being okay with trying it and not being perfect at it. Getting reciprocal stuff out of people requires choosing the right people. You can't get good stuff out of unhealthy people. You must choose healthy people. When we come from dysfunctional homes, however, healthy people can scare us quite a bit because they can see us, really see us. Unhealthy people, like our dysfunctional families, can't see us so we can hide ourselves and our low self esteem. When you have low self esteem you really don't want to be seen. Healthy people really see us and we feel really uncomfortable because we feel so bad about ourselves. We have to move forward, however, and feel the discomfort and be around the healthy people and work on our self worth. I had to work past all of this and it was really worth it. Working on this with your T is really important.

I don't know how "healthy" he is considering I know more about him then most people should about their t's. All I can say is that I'll try the best I can. We'll see what happens after our next meeting.

I chickened out this week, I cancelled on my t this week! I'm feeling ok. Plus I did something for myself which I almost never do! I'm thinking about canceling for next week too. I took a big step last week and I don't know if I'm ready to take the next step. It's hard to keep putting myself out there when I have everything to loose and he has nothing but to gain by making me feel volnerable.

Sounds like a ruthless competition? Do you really believe that this is how T's behave?

Yes, sometimes. They seem to have to break you down before they think they can help you. Why do you think I'm so hesitant to open up...I'm not ready to be that vulnerable. I hurt enough.

I disagree that it is a ruthless competition. Can you share this belief of yours with your T? I think that you are projecting it onto him and that it comes from your past. Some people in your past were ruthless and you project it onto others now because it was your experience.

I don't think that I can talk to him about this! I don't know if I can.

Why?......

Because whenever I open up to anyone they end up turning their back on me. It hurts too much and I don't think that I could take it.

THis has happened with a therapist?

[QUOTE=Sannah;2203560]THis has happened with a therapist?[/QUOTE

It happens with everyone that I ever trusted or relied on. They always say they'll be there and then they leave or lie

So therapists have left and/or have lied to you?

No but most people do. Why should he be any different? Recently he kept saying that he was going to call and checkin with me but he never did. When someone lies about something small it always turns out that they lie about bigger things in the end. When I say I'm going to do something I do it. Probably why people always depend on me and I have no one.

But River, the only way to get better is to open up to your therapist. With his help you can overcome any hurt. Working through your fears will make you stronger and then less vulnerable to getting hurt.