I want out

I don't know how

When you go to therapy, talk about whatever is on your mind. If you feel scared, tell him you are feeling scared. If you are feeling distrustful of him, tell him this. If you are feeling vulnerable, nervous, upset, or angry, whatever, tell him.

The minute I walk through that door I freeze up. I cant talk, its like I'm in a corner being pinned down. All I want to do is crawl into a ball and wish it is over as fast as possible. I cant talk, I don't know how. Everything is bottled up and I lost myself in a world of hurt and pain.

((((RiverJ)))) you have to tell the therapist what you just stated here. Sannah's post to you about fear of being with REAL people that are NOT dysfunctional is so spot on.
It IS hard when you know you have a hole in your past and your personal coping skills. A therapist is a person, but a therapist has to become someone you can trust and feel safe with. In order to establish that you have to work on talking about yourself. You don't have to dive into your private stash of past troubles right away, but you SHOULD start talking about your day to day struggles and get used to your therapist addressing some of your daily concerns.

You have to build your trust somewhere, is it hard? Yes, but once you work on building that trust therapy can truely begin to flow into what it is ment to be THERAPY. Each patient is unique to a therapist and they have to get to know you to find the right ways to help you. In order for that to begin to happen, you have to allow yourself to let some of your walls down so the therapist can see what works best for you in therapy.

((((Hugs))))'
Open Eyes

I couldn't face seeing my t tonight, so I cancelled again. I did agree to talk to him on the phone and I'm freekink out. I have about 30 mind before I have to call. I don't know what to say or tell him. Ive tried to trust I just don't know if I can let the wall down and actually tell him the things that are hurting me the most. I'm afraid that all he'll try to do is try to talk me into going to a hospital. That would ruin me and if I'm meant to have a future, it would ruin that.

I agree with OEyes, tell him this ^.

Can you tell him that you fear he will have you admitted if you start talking?

No I didn't tell him this but I told him I was scared and that when I meet with him I didn't feel safe. I know it's me I just don't know how to feel like I can talk freely. I feel so alone sometimes I wish I could open up and others, I wish I could just disappear and pretend that I never existed.
I think about how alone I am more and more it scares me sometimes how I wish things could just end without a word or a soul knowing.

You have to work with what you have River, instead of wanting to disappear instead. This divide between yourself and others needs to be crossed.

You have been cancelling your appts. Do you think focusing on this issue here is causing you to avoid your T?

inally Posted by Sannah
Very good!! We can't get better at something unless we try. Part of our learning something is being okay with trying it and not being perfect at it. Getting reciprocal stuff out of people requires choosing the right people. You can't get good stuff out of unhealthy people. You must choose healthy people. When we come from dysfunctional homes, however, healthy people can scare us quite a bit because they can see us, really see us. Unhealthy people, like our dysfunctional families, can't see us so we can hide ourselves and our low self esteem. When you have low self esteem you really don't want to be seen. Healthy people really see us and we feel really uncomfortable because we feel so bad about ourselves. We have to move forward, however, and feel the discomfort and be around the healthy people and work on our self worth. I had to work past all of this and it was really worth it. Working on this with your T is really important.
I don't know how "healthy" he is considering I know more about him then most people should about their t's. All I can say is that I'll try the best I can. We'll see what happens after our next meeting.

This really spoke volumes to me, Sannah's post here is one the best I have read in PC, if THE best.

I struggle with PTSD and that makes me feel like I want to isolate from other people alot. I can also relate to your struggle in finding the courage to talk about your deep needs. I hid my deep concerns for many years, was afraid of what others would think of me. Even when I finally talked about it, I didn't want to keep talking about it and I was even sorry that I HAD talked about it. I have finally gotten a chance to talk about it more with my current therapist and I did (after erasing it many times) talk about it here. It was a little easier here because I am anonymous, but I did struggle. I am better at talking about it now, mainly because I have talked with others that share similar secrets and struggles.

What I have learned most of all is that now that I have finally talked about some of my deep struggles, surprisingly my therapist has come back with some very good answers that made it more comfortable for me to talk more about it and finally feel it was ok. And I am finally getting to the part where I am learning about the whys of the experience but also the whys of how I have trouble discussing it. And that is where you need to get to. Whatever it is that you are hiding and very embarassed about, believe it or not, your therapist has heard worse and is actually trained to help guide people with some very troubling issues and concerns. That is the part that you need to get to with your therapist, you need to get beyond the person your sitting in front of to the person who is "trained" to HELP you, not sit and judge you like a regular Joe off the street.

I take time to reach out to others and I honestly feel for them because I am very familiar with the pain they speak of, yearning for help yet hesitating to ask too.

You CAN get to the next step, you have to get past the man/woman and to the man/woman who is specially trained to help you. Remember that. You know more about him than the average person, what do you know? Did you ever think he may have talked about himself more to you to help you feel more comfortable with him, he just might be trying to gain your trust. However, that seems to bother you, can you talk about something he may have told you that might be hindering your trust?

((((HUGS))))

Open Eyes

Maybe. But ive been scared all along. I was trying, its just become very hard. Its hard to sit accross from someone, telling them your fears or what hurts you when your insecure. I don't feel safe and I told him, although I cancelled the appointment I did talk to him on the phone. It made it easier and I told him that his office made me feel like I was backed into a corner and I didn't feel safe. He asked if it was him...I said no but, the truth is hes a man and I don't know if I can tell him. I don't think that hes bad or mean, I just wish I could feel safe.

Would you do better with a female T? I'm glad that you told him all this stuff. This is the best way to get it solved. Good work!

Thank you for your response. I feel like I can relate to some of what you are saying. Sometimes I feel like I suffer from ptsd with everything ive had to deal with.
I do know more about my T then he thinks but, that is only because we know a lot of the same people and just about live in the same community. I know that this is why it has been really hard to open up but, there are other reasons. I would tell him things via texting because I couldn't say them to his face. He has never said what they are in person or on the phone but, he does elude to them. I cant bring them up its too hard I guess I'm just waiting for him to. Maybe this is why I keep canceling. I know I need help I just don't know how to ask or except it. This is very hard for me. I want to trust him, I'm just really scared!

(((RiverJ)))
Oh, well that is understandable because he is in your community. But even though he is you have to remember that this is not about sharing your secrets with a neighor who will gossip. This man is trained, educated and works with people who struggle just like you do. Whatever you discuss with him is totally private. I know it is hard, I really do and all I can say is though it was hard, I think I got to a point where I just wanted to let it out and finally deal with it somehow.

To be honest, I filled my therapist's room like a little child basically telling him about a lot of bad things. It was like I was asking, can your believe this, and that, and this too and all of this as well? Somewhere along the line I began to realize that in a way I needed him to be that father that I couldn't tell these things to. And just a parent like figure to say, "YES THAT WAS AWFUL, SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED, NO WONDER WHY YOU STRUGGLE TO TRUST OTHERS". I think when I got to a certain difficult part he did say, "No wonder your so misunderstood". As he realize it, I guess I realized it as well. That is what is nice about finding a good therapist, a professional who BELIEVES YOU and then BECAUSE HE BELIEVES YOU the REAL HEALING can begin.

(((((HUGS)))))
Honestly, its the truth,
Open Eyes

I understand what you are saying and I am trying. It just isn't fast enough for my t or pdoc. They keep saying that I have to be more social no matter what. Eventhough I'm not ready to open up.
As forcancelling my sessions, well I don't really know. I just want to feel safe sometimes id like to be able to talk and sometimes I feel like curling up in a ball and running away. I freak out before I have to go to him. I have forced myself in the past, its just been harder lately.

I know, but its still hard. I want to try and have been for three years. Just lately its been extremely difficult and its been hard to talk or open up to anyone.ive gold him things in text but, have a very difficult time bringing things up in person. I don't know how to change this and to move on. I know that things have gotten worse and I need to do something. I guess I have to try harder but I know if I do its going to push me over the edge.

Well, if you feel that way you have to tell the t and slow down. Your putting too much pressure on yourself, ease it up. (((((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

I guess in some ways I do put too much pressure on myself but, I also feel like my t and prov put pressure inked too! Ive always been hard on myself I really don't know why. I guess I just strive to be a better person than what I am and try to look up the expectations I put on myself. I'm afraid that all this is going to land me in a hospital. I know my t would like me to be there for some time to focus on things, and sometimes I want to but I'm so scared. The labeling, what others will think and the damage it could do in the long run.

I just wish I could go Ba k to having a life were I didn't feel tormented everyday. I don't know how things got so bad...I cant believe I did this to myself!

I was getting myself ready all to to speak with my t. I even left my house for a little while which I almost never do. He didn't call, so I waited. After waiting a few hours I tried to contact him, he sorry he didn't clarify. So if I come hear to post things now you know why. What is a person to do when they cant seem to rely on there t,s?

I find it hurtful and distrustful for him to do this. Why say something if you don't mean it!

You need to discuss this with him. It is the only way to learn how to trust.

I will if he calls like he says he will.
If not what am I supposed to do? It will just be over that's it, what more can I do?

River, I had a problem with my T at one point, he scheduled me and forgot to put it down in his book. When I got there he had someone else in therapy. And he pretended he never scheduled me. I was really hurt because I know that wasn't right.
So, the next session I talked about it and he appologized and told me that he was burning the candle at both ends and made the mistake. I had to clear that up because I can't be in therapy with someone who is not honest with me.

It is really important that you trust your T River. If you are afraid of your T maybe you should see if you can find a female T to work with. Men tend to want to FIX and can get impatient, whereas a woman T can be more patient. I have a Man and I wasn't sure it was going to work out with my delicate history. It ended up working out though he did express that he was a fixer type and was being patient with me.
In the end he recognized that being patient was more productive in my case and he has learned from that. Every patient is a little different, so therapists are always learning.

Open Eyes

This is exactly what I am trying to do!!!! Because of my background I want to be able to work through things and be able to trust him. It has taken a very long time to tell him what I have and if I were to quit, I will just tilotally give up!! Ive told.him more than I thought id be able to. I'm working on trusting him and I agreed to meet in a few days. We have spoken on me going to a women and in someways I wish I never started seeing him but I have and for a few years now. This is way I'm hesitant to find someone else. I tried to build myself up to give it another shot. I will talk to him about how I don't always feel safe in his office, I'm sure he'll bring it up since ive told him.

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I'm just trying to keep my head above water at this point!

I told him on the phone and I agreed to meet him.
I'm trying the best I can!

This was the message I sent to my t yesterday. I tried to call, and was prepared to tell him:

I tried to call because I finally worked up the nerve. I would like to be able to trust u but i find it difficult because I don't always feel like you mean what you say. Obviously I have issues with this and I've been pushing myself to make it work. I feel like I've been pushed into trying to do more and I've been trying, but being pushed into something that I'm not really ready for isn't going to help, it puts more pressure on me.

This probably isn't the forum to post this but ii feel like I've gotten the most support here. I would love any words of encouragement since I'm meeting my t tomorrow and things didn't go so well with the pdoc. I'm scared