I want out

This is really, really good! Good luck tomorrow! You can do it!

((((RiverJ)))),

It is hard to completely advise because I don't really know what it is that your afraid to let out.

I know that in my own experience the one thing that I truely struggled with is my CSA. I just burried that for years and years. It just happened to pop out when I had a bad reaction to an implant of Lupron to stop my menstral cycle that tossed me into a severe depression. At the time, I had no idea what was going on, I was completely helpless and frightened. All I can think of is that the experience must have just stirred that up somehow. I was so confused, and didn't want to let that out because of the circumstances surrounding that. And it shocked everyone around me. And I didn't know what to say, was surprised that it even came out.

I did my best to try to work away from it and not talk about it again for a long time.
Then when I experienced a lot of loss suddenly, it came out again. And again it got misunderstood. However, I eventually, finally talked about it with my therapist. I had tried to put down in PC a few times, circled around the abuse forum but I just could not seem to put it there. I ended up putting it in the spirituality forum amongst some childhood memories of going to church and knowing that the church was the one place that everyone was singing and happy and I felt safe because at home I didnt feel that way. And in some way, I felt that I was kind of putting it in the hands of that safe spiritual place I knew as a child. It was REALLY hard to leave it there. But no one really made a big deal out of it and that really helped. It was a whisper that I finally got out, a beginning of releasing it.

I didn't want to talk about it with my current therapist. He did try to talk about my childhood but again I wasn't ready, like you I was worried about holding it together and I was worried about falling apart.

But eventually I let it out in another whisper, indirectly and it was just touched on and my therapist didn't push at it. And then after I did that I started to think about it, hung around the abuse forum and I started to realize that I really was only a child and in many ways, didn't look at it like an adult does. And I finally got to talk to my therapist more about CSA and I said that children don't really understand what it is, and he agreed and he also told me that it happens more than is really talked about. And he went on to talk about how children honestly don't know what sexuality really is and often they can feel fear etc. but they actually don't understand it like adults do and so they do hide it. But if they hide it and then don't think about it until their adults with an adult understanding of what it is, that is when the big discomfort comes out along with a sense of guilt.

It reminded me of how I remembered my childhood in elementary school and everything looked big, the halls were big and the classrooms and the desks and chairs were big.
But then when I was much older and full grown, I went back to visit that old school and everything looked so small, not big like I remembered at all. So, it made me realize how different children really do see things.

I am just using myself as an example here, how I struggle to talk about things with my therapist and how I kind of made it easier by just discussing it in general and getting his feedback on it. Then I was able to talk about my own experience better.
So I am not saying you have the same issues, however, I will say that you can talk about things that bother you in more general ways. Asking your therapist about how other people experience certain thoughts, situations etc. that bring great difficulty and shame to them. That is how I was able to do it and finally put my own experience gently into the mix.

What I can say most of all River, is that after I finally talked about it, not only was my therapist very kind but he was very knowing as well. And that is why it is really called therapy. It really isn't about fault or any of the things your fearing to be honest. If you find your way to open up slowly, you will get some relief.

(((((((Gentle Hugs)))))))

Open Eyes

I thought I could and had every intention on going and telling him things. Of course he cancelled. So much for that...so I decided that instead of getting upset and trying to hurt myself...ill just have a couple of drinks! Thatnks for your support it was all for nothing!

(((((RiverJ)))))
It was not all for nothing, you got closer to it, was more ready. It will come.
((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

Next time.........

I have an appointment later today. It's been a while, couldn't sleep much. Still freaking out.

How did your appt. go?

I guess better than I expected. It was hard at first but I think I was able to talk more because we spoke on the phone a few times before meeting. It's still hard, he called me out on a few things but I gave it right back to him. I did tell him that I just want to get this all over with and don't want to be in therapy for ever! I didn't mean that today was it I just want to l ow that there is some end in sight! I don't want to feel this way anymore, I want my independence back. I'm tired of the meds and talking. I don't know if he understood that. I did tell him that it makes me uncomfortable when he talks to my pdoc. Also, when he goes on with his psychobabble...it's really iratating!
Of course I still haven't been able to tell him certain things-like what I want...I don't l ow if I can ever tell him. Sometimes I'd like to, but if feel if I do I'd be exposing a part of me that I don't let people see, it would be too painfull.

Good work!!

Hopefully you can get to this stuff soon.

What if I can't or don't want to? I've been doing ok although no one seems to believe me, I have been. I don't know if I'll ever talk about certain things.

This certainly is your choice.

I've been trying! He keeps cutting me off or wanting to talk about other things. He even pushed me to the point where I started taking pills again. After this happened I sent him a text saying why did he have to ruin things when they were just getting better. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without a t!!!!

Did you talk to him about this?

I've tried. It doesn't really work.
I met with my pdoc today and he wants me to go into the hospital. He spoke to me like a person which I do apprechiate but I still have my reservations. I texted my t and told him and I asked him to help me.
Right now I don't know if I should go, just stick with what I've been doing or down a whole bunch of pills!!!!!

Definitely not the last one and the second one hasn't been working very well so maybe it is time to try the first one?

If I do that I give up!
The pdoc was telling me what it would be like. It would ruin me. I'm a supposed to me with the t tonight I'll see what he has to say. I can't do this

Why would it ruin you?

If anyone ever found out it would distroy me. I'd never be able to show my face any where. Plus, if I ever had a chance to meet someone and have a family-who would ever what me knowing this!

You don't have to have shame because you need help. You didn't ask to have issues. Taking care of yourself is a good thing, not a bad thing. My husband married me when I had full blown anxiety. People are not as judgemental as you think that they are. People love others with mental health issues all the time.

My family stopped caring about me when I needed them the most. If they had only been there when I needed them the most I don't think I'd be here right now. I'm so sad and hurt so much that I'm scared. I'm thinking about the hospital but still terrifed. This would go ony perminate medical record and would effect future health insurance choices and life insurance. G-d only lnows what else! But I am thinking about it. Think its possible to only go for 3-4 days? At least this way no one at work would find out and I wouldn't have to explain anything to my boss. The pdoc and t were saying a few weeks but I don't think I could do that.

Excuse me, I just caught the end of this. I've tried to catch up with events since last fall...

I ended up in hospital when I was 62 after a long life of no satisfactorily treatment clinical depression. Without that month of intense psychiatric review of my case, I don't know whether I ever would have been diagnosed as bipolar, which turned my world around. We still go through the little dance of med adjustments from time to time (I dread/hate this), but I have entire days now when I'm happy to be alive.

Just wanted to toss that in. I have an excellent team, pdoc/T/mdoc, as well as wonderful friends who form my support network. The psychiatric unit I was in also has a good reputation, & my pdoc maintained contact with me there with weekly visits from the psych nurse.

This is just FYI. I thought one view from within might help some.

Roadie

Thank you for your encouragement!! I'm thinking that maybe I might do to the hospital but I couldn't go for more than 3-5 days. I'd die if anyone found out. I really don't have any friends they all seemed to have disappeared. All my family except for my mother have abandoned me-they don't talk to me any more. All i have is work at least so far it's theonly thing that gets me out of bed.
You've been lucky to find your way out of the darkness I've been praying that one day ill find a way out.

No one could find out I was there by calling. It was extremely private, although the unit was in a community hospital. And the time needed varies. I was a mess when I went in, on meds I shouldn't have been & had to get off those. A few days for you may be just right.

I'm sure pulling for you! I know I'm blessed ... but why not you too?

Roadie

My pdoc is affiliated with a good Hospital and I would go there if I choose to. Therd changes are terrible and and won't give the time for this. That will have to be outpatient. The longer out of work the worse things will be!!!!! So I guess I'm seriously considering this, but time has to bet decision! Will they give me that option? I need to know that I have control of that.

I don't think that I can do it.