I want out

So I took about a month off from work recently because I couldn't deal with anything. During that time I went in patient to get help. I was there for about a week and thought that is would work. Now that I've been out for sometime, I know I need more intensive help. I almost feel like I'm worse off then when I started. I have been cutting which never was something I would do and playing with my meds.
Any ideas of what I should do next???? Need hopeful, positive and honest feedback!! Even if the truth hurts!!!

Hi River , can you talk to your T about this? Maybe you need to be readmitted?

I've tried talking to him about going back. The truth is I just got the bill...and there is no way I can afford to go back!

When I started out patient, I wanted to go back. But the social worker and my T asked me to give it a chance...so I did. It actually was helpful, but now that I'm back to work it's been so hard! I've been using my anxiety meds much more...especially at work. I used to only take then at night to help me sleep, but I find that I really need then during the day when I don't feel like I can handle anything.
Things got so bad a few days ago that I was afraid to be alone. In order to deal with it and hang on, I ended up slicing up my leg. For the past few days I keep looking at it and can't believe that I did it. The strange thing is that their was something so comforting about the pain.

This isn't all that strange. The pain releases endorphins which improve your mood.

Are you discussing with your T what about work is increasing your anxiety and what steps you can take to reduce the anxiety? Hospitals will work with you in paying bills. Have you spoken to a financial counselor from the hospital? They will let you pay very small amounts and will even forgive the debt. What kind of hospital was it?

hi river.

hope you're okay- i'm here for you also

Right now since I just got the bill, I'm trying to avoid it by pretending it doesn't exsist. Yes, it was a psych hospital. I wasn't so crazy about the doctor but the rest of the staff was really great.

We've been talking about ways to distract myself when I get really down...so yes. The only thing is that I'm having such a hard time trying to come up with ideas. I can come up with things...but actually doing them...feels way too over whelming. It's only 5 months since I lost my mother...I know that he doesn't get this. I miss her so much, she was the only person I could count on...the only one who was always there for me. And now, I'll never have that again. I'm all alone. Somedays are ok but others are so hard. The only other family I have is an aunt, her husband, and their children. Well, I haven't always had the best relationship with my aunt, she's been trying but I'll never trust her compeletly. As for her kids....whom I used to be very close with...well when my mother got sick they hardly did anything, and since she's gone two of them have called once or twice, and the third--haven't heard a thing since the funeral.

Thank you...
I'm a little weepy but, I think I'll be alright tonight.

Are you going to talk to T about this ^?

Are you going to talk to the financial office at the hospital? Is this a state, religious or private hospital?

Can you reach out to your cousins?

ABSOLUTLY NOT!! Especially since all that they have done the past 3 years is nothing.

Can you tell your T that he isn't getting your grief?

I hope you can make that appt. soon with the hospital.

Your cousins might not have any idea about how you feel. Maybe they are thinking that you haven't contacted them?

Right now I'm trying to avoid my T. I just met with my Pdoc and he keeps getting things wrong. I know I only see he 1-2 times a month but, he keeps getting the meds wrong. Finally got that straitened away. He up my anxiety med which has been helping my sleep but know all I keep thinking about it taking it all. I know i'm not supposed to say things like this but I can't help it. I feel so alone and I miss my mother. I'm a grown women who has absolutly nothing! My Aunt keeps trying to make contact, and i don't push her away but i can't trust her either. I sat down with her and all her kids when my mother got sick and told them that i needed their help. They said that they would be there...and I got nothing. When they needed something or someone I was always there for them. I've never been more disapointed in all my life in people who i put so much trust into.

And how will avoiding your T help you?

What do you have to lose by telling your aunt and cousins that they let you down?

If I don't see him, then he can't hurt me. I'm tired of being hurt. I can hurt myself very easily, don't need others to do it.

OMG!!!! That is exactly how I feel!

Can you talk to your T about this? This is something that needs to be worked through so that you can have a better life.

That's the thing, he stoped talking to me. Plus, I don't feel like I deserve a better life. I try to be a good person, help people but, for some reason I don't get treated the same as I treat others.
For the past few months...even when I was in the hospital, I was convinced that I don't deserve to be happy.

Why did he stop talking to you?

I told him that I found a way that helps me deal when I get really upset...cutting. That was when I sliced up my leg.

And then he told you that he wasn't going to talk to you anymore?

I told him via text. He said that he was going to respond to me anymore through text. I've tried calling him the past couple of days...he did leave me a message but I was never able to get him. I called again today...nothing.
He kept saying the past few years that he could help me - at this point I don't think that anyone can. I'm so lost I just want to disapear!

So he just isn't communicating through text? You still have your regular appts? Don't give up River.

I haven't seen him in weeks and he doesn't take my phone calls. I only see my pdoc once a month. I don't have anyone to go to. Last night was so bad I took a few extra anxiety pills...now I know how many I would need.

So when is your next T appt.?

I went last week, it wasn't worth it. I don't know if I'm going to go back again. I asked him why didn't he return my calls...I know he has other priorities and his own life but, he knows that if I keep calling - then I'm in trouble. I don't know if I could ever go to him if I really in trouble.

What was his answer to why he didn't return your calls? I see that this has affected your trust.